


Missing Pieces

by TheCurvedWritingDesk



Category: Midnight Poppy Land (Webcomic)
Genre: F/M, Family, Hurt and comfort, Marriage, Pregnancy, Vacation, pail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:35:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 82,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25210054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCurvedWritingDesk/pseuds/TheCurvedWritingDesk
Summary: Poppy and Tora decide to start a family. It proves more difficult than expected.
Relationships: Tora/Poppy Wilkes
Comments: 154
Kudos: 244





	1. Hope & Confusion

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Anibae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anibae/gifts).



> ...I'm going to rip your heart out with this one. It took me a long time to decide whether or not to write this one but most of you seem to appreciate me putting them in 'real life' situations and there's nothing more real than this for any of the couples I've ever known. Forgive me now and please don't read this one if you're not in a good space. That said, remember that I always give these two a happy ending...eventually. I just drag them through some crazy shit first. This fic will be updated every few days due to the length of the chapters. It will be 5-10 chapters depending on how I decide to break up the timeline. I will however be posting lots of fluff under "Requests" in the next few days; if this story isn't your cup of tea, I hope that makes up for it until I finish this and start my next one. My next long fic after this will be only the fluffiest of fluff (more along the feel good vibes of "Give Me A Chance?")to make up for the bullshit I'm about to put your heart through. That said, enjoy. :)
> 
> ******Major trigger warning for PAIL******
> 
> Song:  
> You Make My Dreams Come True by Daryl Hall & John Oates

** JUNE 24th **

“Tora…did you just-” Poppy whispered, her lips brushing over his shoulder in shock.

Tora held perfectly still, terrified by what he’d just done. A hand in the middle of her back, the other resting on her bottom, “Yeah.” He whispered back, just as shocked as she was.

Poppy’s eyes rounded in distress, “but I’m not – and we’re not- and you - you aren’t wearing a condom,” she sputtered in alarm.

Tora felt something heavy pass over his chest, squeezing him like an S vice around a two by four. He was well aware of the fact she wasn’t on the pill and he hadn’t put on a condom. He had no idea what the fuck had just happened. He never came like that. When they started bareback he always put on a condom or pulled out. He hadn’t had that little control over himself since he was a teen. He clenched his jaw. He had no idea what to say. “I know. It was an accident.”

She inhaled sharply and quickly got off him, sprinting for the shower. He appeared in the doorway a moment later, “what are you doing sweetheart?”

“I don’t know, trying to wash it out? Tora we’re not ready to be parents yet!” she cried out in a panic as he stepped into the shower with her, pulling the spraying nozzle away from between her legs.

He nodded as he hooked it back to wall, pulling her into a hug, “I know, I’m sorry I fucked up. I don’t know what happened. I’m so sorry sweetheart. I’ll buy you some plan B tomorrow just to be safe.”

Poppy felt her stomach roll over, in truth, she was more than ready to be a mom, it was Tora that thought he’d make a terrible father. They’d been together for six years. Six years was a long time. She’d expressed her desire two years ago. He’d never actually said he didn’t want children, just that he didn’t think he’d be any good with them. He knew how she felt though. They had talked about it at length many times. “No.”

He frowned down at her, sure he had misheard her, “what the fuck do you mean no?” he asked harshly.

She pushed away from him, grabbing her loofa, scrubbing herself under the spray, “I said no. You know how I feel, what I want. I didn’t ask for this. You did this. I’m not making myself sick again because you don’t like wearing a condom. What the hell did I tell you the last time!?” she shouted.

Tora crossed his arms, breathing deeply through his nose. Oh he’d fucked himself royally. The last time he’d made her take plan B had been years ago and she’d been so sick she’d told him if he ever came in her again he’d better damn well be ready to take responsibility if he impregnated her. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He wanted to argue but they’d had this conversation so many times. There was no changing her mind. She’d only told him a hundred and fifty times that if he wanted to have unprotected sex using only the pullout method he had better be willing to accept the potential consequences. “Poppy,” he pleaded having no idea what to say to her.

Poppy wrapped her arms around herself. This was his fault. She was not taking the morning after pill again. Not a chance in hell. If she did get pregnant, so be it. “I said no Tora. If there are consequences for this, you’ll just have to live with them,” she said, turning her back on him.

Tora felt helpless. He had done this to himself but he didn’t consider a fucking child a ‘consequence’ a child was a fucking _responsibility_. For _life_. Hell, twenty to life didn’t even mean _life_. Nothing was more permanent than a fucking child. How could she just make this decision for them? That thought made him want to kick himself. She hadn’t done anything. He was the one that had…ah _Christ_. There was a good chance nothing would come of this though right? Everything would be fine. He grit his teeth harder. Everything _would_ be fine…right?

** JULY 9 **

Erdene sat across the table at the restaurant blinking at her best friend in surprise. “Are you serious?” She asked cautiously, “No shit?” she added in shock when Poppy just nodded.

Poppy gazed at her with nervous eyes, “yeah, my period is really late and I feel weird. Like my boobs are really sensitive, I don’t know how else to describe it. It might just be all in my head, I could just be psyching myself out?” she explained anxiously as she shoved another mouthful of her salad into her mouth.

Erdene narrowed her brows, “girl, after this we’re buying you a pregnancy test. It’s better to know than to wonder,” she stated, taking another bite of her own lunch.

Poppy nodded miserably, “isn’t it too early for a test?” she asked uncomfortably. Truly she wasn’t sure how she felt. Whether she would be happy or disappointed no matter how the test came back. She was feeling really conflicted about how this had happened. Well, _if_ it had actually happened.

“Won’t know unless you try,” Erdene offered flippantly.

~ ~ ~

Poppy opened the box she’d bought at the drugstore and set the pregnancy test on the counter as she read over the instructions. She hadn’t realized she needed to take it in the morning. Well, she could wait, she wasn’t sure she was ready to see the results anyways. She exhaled, puffing out her cheeks as she gazed up at herself in the bathroom mirror. “Are you ready for this? Either way?” she asked her reflection seriously, the urge to pee hitting her hard from all the water she’d had over lunch.

She relieved herself, the red on the toilet paper as she wiped causing her pause; she stared down at the stained tissue in silence, her mouth a tight line, her eyes glazing with tears. She blinked them away. Well, no need for the test then. She flushed, got up, washed her hands and tucked the test away under the bathroom vanity.

** JULY 11 **

Poppy rolled herself into the fetal position on their bed, tears of pain streaming down her face. She couldn’t remember having ever had a period this awful before. She felt unbelievably nauseous and the pain was unreal. Tora handed her a hot water bottle and sat down next to her, rubbing her lower back, trying to ease her cramping the way she’d showed him how years ago. “Can I get you anything else sweetheart? You want chocolate or something?” He asked, mildly concerned. He knew her cramps bugged her sometimes but this was worse than her norm.

She brushed away her tears with one hand, the other clutching the water bottle tighter to her abdomen. “No thanks Tora, I’m okay, I don’t know why they hurt so bad this time. I’m hoping it will pass,” she offered weakly. 

Tora nodded, pulling the blankets more fully over her pyjama clad form, settling onto the bed next to her. She’d toughed it out at work but had fallen into bed the minute she’d gotten home, her pain was so bad.

Poppy spent the rest of the evening in bed, only sitting up when Tora brought her dinner, encouraging her to eat, hoping something in her stomach might help settle her nausea a little.

** JULY 18 **

“Hey Tora, do you have a sec? Can we go over this again?” Poppy asked, plopping down next to him on the couch with her damn travel binder. He rolled his eyes and sighed, pausing his game, setting the controller on the coffee table before turning to look at her. “Sorry, I know we’ve been over this a hundred times, I’m just so excited though! I can’t believe we’re doing this, and it’s only a few days away!” she exclaimed excitedly.

He smiled at her, her excitement was infectious, she was practically buzzing in her seat. She had been like this ever since her period had ended. He was happy she was focusing on the good. He could tell she had been disappointed when she got it. He couldn’t say he shared her sentiment but he didn’t like her feeling sad. As a result she’d thrown herself head long into finalizing their impending trip. The first he was taking her on. He’d surprised her with the airline tickets at Christmas, she’d been looking forward to it for months. He liked to think of it as the honeymoon they never took. They were going to Rome, were going to spend a couple days there and then catch a cruise ship to take them to Athens, stopping along the Italian coast and a few greek islands before getting there. Then he’d booked them a hotel so they’d have a few days in Athens before flying home to Narin. She’d always expressed an interest in seeing the rest of the world and he’d figured with her love of ancient mythology Rome and Athens were the perfect places for her to start her exploration.

Thus the insanely detailed itinerary binder she’d created, she’d been doing research for months, booking them walking tours, picking out restaurants to try and printing off all the information on the sights she wanted them to see. She had every single day jammed packed. He was starting to worry they may need a vacation from their vacation by the time they got home. Power tourism at its finest. In truth, he was just as excited as she was. It would be really nice to get away from Narin, where he could just be a regular guy, hanging out with her, hopefully not having to be stressed or paranoid or constantly worrying about danger lurking around every corner. He couldn’t wait to relax and just enjoy watching her joy and excitement as she explored. He nodded, hearing her but not really listening.

“So, I’m really excited about Pompeii and the Acropolis! I mean the Acropolis is going to be a hell of a hike apparently but I can’t wait! The view is going to be spectacular!” she raved, beaming at him. When he just smirked at her, her face fell. “Tora, can we actually talk for a minute.”

Tora narrowed his brows at her, “You don’t want to talk to me about the trip do ya?” he asked, reaching for the remote, turning off the tv. He could tell this was going to be serious.

She shook her head, “No, I need to know, will you ever want children? ‘Cause I really want to be a mom one day and I-I really don’t know if I can- I just. I’ve been thinking about it a lot since I got my period and I- I was so disappointed but at the same time, I don’t ever want this to be something forced on you. I really love you Tora and I want to be with you, but I also really, really, really want to be a mom one day,” she explained anxiously.

He cocked a brow at her, “are you saying… you’re gonna leave me if I don’t agree to have kids with ya?” he asked, his voice deadly serious. He felt like his heart had just stopped beating in his chest. This was one hell of an ultimatum she was giving him right now. She was silent entirely too long, “Jesus Bobby.” He whispered.

Poppy bit her lip, tears welling in her eyes, “Tora, I’m not. I’m not going anywhere, I just, I don’t know. It’s something I’ve always wanted. I want a family. I want children. This isn’t new. I’ve been very open about this for years. I just, you’ve never really said yes for no either way, just ‘not now’. I just need to know if there ever will be a ‘now’ ‘cause I’m about ready for ‘now’ to be, like, right now.” She explained brokenly, unable to keep the pain out of her voice.

Tora’s eyes widened in surprise, truthfully, he’d never thought about a family before he’d met her, assuming he’d be long dead before he ever felt ready for that kind of commitment or responsibility. He was thirty one now though, Poppy was twenty seven, plenty old enough to be parents. It was just an odd concept to him. He’d always thought that one should feel like Poppy did about kids, have the deep desire for them considering what a colossal impact they would have on one’s life. He respected women who had opted out, why should someone have kids just because it was an expectation? Sometimes he wondered why some people had kids to begin with when they obviously weren’t wanted. Hell he personally wondered sometimes why the fuck someone had decided to have him if they were just gonna ditch him with Vince. However, he knew Poppy would be a great mom. He also knew how much she wanted this, and really, he didn’t think he’d have much of a life without her in it. Making more Poppies was probably the best thing he could do for the world, to make up for all the darkness and trauma and pain he’d brought into it already. “You want to have kids with me despite knowing I could die any day?” he asked seriously, his line of work was dangerous, she knew that. It was one of the major reasons he’d been deterred from the idea of children for so long.

Poppy nodded, “of course Tora, we’re all dying. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. When our time comes, it’s our time. Fear of death shouldn’t prevent us from living. I want a family, I want babies and I want both of them with you,” she explained wistfully.

Tora cocked a brow at her, “naw, seriously Poppy, people shoot at me. Our risk levels are not the same and you know it,” he argued, “I don’t want to orphan anybody, it just seems irresponsible,” he explained.

She shrugged, “my mom orphaned me and she’s not dead. I grew up with just my Dad and I turned out okay, I really want this Tora, no matter what life happens to throw at us. Besides, isn’t that why we got married? To prepare for that if it happened?” She stated with firm conviction, her eyes gleaming with pain and hope.

He had married her three years ago on paper, informing her he wanted to make sure she was looked after if anything ever happened to him and the best way to ensure it was with a marriage contract. She hadn’t objected and given him her vows without hesitation without demanding any kind of real wedding or ceremony. She wore his ring around her neck on a chain as a symbol of their union, having given it back to her for safe keeping when the court house had informed them they had to exchange something. When he’d offered to buy her a real band she’d objected, saying his ring meant more to her than any trinket he could buy.

He was caving, having her in his life was the single best thing to ever happen to him, having a mini me wouldn’t be so bad would it? He scowled at the thought. A mini him was a terrible idea, miniature Poppies all the way then. “Fine. Now can be now then,” he muttered, figuring there was no ‘good’ time to have a baby and they very well could have been pregnant right now anyways.

Poppy stared at him wide eyed, “seriously?” she asked breathlessly, “like, now, now? Like right this second?” she asked already reaching for him.

He laughed as she tugged at his shirt, moving her hands away so he could remove it for her, “ya Bobby, now, now. Let’s play Russian Roulette and see what happens.”

She laughed at his metaphor, “you’re not going to die if you try to have kids Tora,” she chastised him.

“Oh no? Pretty sure I’ve heard from the guys with brats that your life is pretty much over once ya father one,” he teased, kissing her, cutting off whatever response she’d been about to throw at him. 

** JULY 23 **

Poppy zipped up the last suitcase, wondering for the hundredth time if she’d forgotten anything she might need. She unzipped it for the fifth time, just to be sure, looking over the contents carefully. She frowned, it might be really hot, she should probably pack a lighter pair of pjs. She moved to her dresser pulling out a pair of black pj shorts with an elastic waistband she liked to wear around the house and the matching spaghetti string top. She frowned; sure she must be forgetting something else. She placed her hands on her hips, willing it to come to her. Her emergency kit! That was it. She went to the bathroom vanity, digging around under the sink for it. Ah! Got it! She thought as her hand closed around the flowery zippered bag full of tampons, overnight pads and Midol. She knew she’d just had her period and it wasn’t due for her next until after they returned but one could never be too prepared.

** JULY 25 **

Rome was amazing; she was in absolute awe of the history and architecture around her. She had read so many books on it, read so many myths, spent so much time pouring over travel sites but she had never anticipated how different it was to actually be there. She was so excited; the stomach ache that had started on the plane the previous day was nothing but a minor inconvenience to her as she sat on a restaurant patio across from Tora, munching on the best pasta she’d ever tasted. “I can’t believe we’re here,” she breathed in wonder for the hundredth time that day.

Tora smirked at her, doing his best not to laugh, it was really cool to be in such a different place, it was trippy hearing a different language everywhere they went but honestly, she was the best part of the whole thing. He was glad he could do this for her. What was the point of all his money if she never let him do nothing for her? Her excitement upon receiving the tickets paled in comparison to how enthusiastic she’d been about everything today. She’d been practically jumping on the balls of her feet during their three hour walking tour of the Colosseum and the surrounding area earlier that day. “Whatcha got planned for us tonight?” he asked.

She squirmed in excitement, “there’s a light show happening just around the corner from our hotel on some ancient ruins, it supposedly tells three different myths about their gods. Then I thought maybe we could just go for a stroll? It’s so hot during the day but apparently a lot of street artists come out at night and I’d love to buy a painting from one of the locals as a souvenir.” She explained happily.

Tora nodded, more than pleased to do whatever she wanted. It was nice to not be in control for once. He felt like he was floating on a river, just letting the current drag him wherever the hell it wanted. Being with her here was relaxing, just as he’d hoped.

~ ~ ~

Poppy toweled herself off in their hotel room later that night, a little annoyed her abdomen was still bothering her. She’d taken a pain killer but it was just getting worse. She was disappointed to say the least. She had been so excited about this trip; the last thing she wanted was to be sick for it. She hung up the towel and sat on the toilet, hoping maybe it was just something she’d eaten while she relieved herself. She was a little taken aback to see blood on her tissue after she wiped. It was way too soon for her to be menstruating again. Another thought hit her as she began beaming. Could it be? Seriously? She’d read about implantation bleeding a few weeks ago when she’d been driving herself crazy wondering if she was pregnant. Could this be it? Supposedly only a third of women experienced it but this was a good thing wasn’t it? She was elated. If she was pregnant, her abdomen could feel free to be as painful as it wanted. She thought with a grin.

She moved back into the hotel room and found her emergency kit, grabbing an overnight pad and a pair of Granny panties. Tora walked back in from his smoke just as she was pulling on her pj bottoms over underwear he knew meant no sex. He wasn’t all that disappointed though, as fun as it had been, the day had exhausted him and he was just as happy to just sleep next to her. There’d be plenty more opportunities to roll around with her later.

** JULY 26 **

Poppy opted not to tell Tora about her increasingly annoying stomach ache. The man was a worry wart when it came to her and she wasn’t the least bit interested in being coddled. Still though, it was getting worse and she wasn’t sure how much longer she’d be able to keep hiding it from him. She was in the damn Vatican though! Wandering the same halls as the popes! The art was unbelievable and the tapestries and the sculptures and the…oh god, it was all just so breathtaking.

Tora was having fun watching her reactions, there was no question he was impressed by the beauty and history around him, hell, from what Poppy had taught him about the Vatican history the conclave of cardinals were the OG of mafia organizations, but for him, she was the best part. Every time she turned her head she’d gasp at something new, her eyes wide with wonder as she dragged him after her. He wasn’t even really listening to their tour guide anymore, too enthralled by her and their surroundings. When they stepped into the Sistine chapel though, even his jaw dropped. This was the pope’s office? For real? Fuck. He was definitely the OG of OGs. Vincent’s opulence paled in comparison. No wonder people threw their cash at him and did whatever he told them too. He smirked. He could be a guard here, probably make good money too. He looked down at Poppy who was trying but failing to discretely take a photo of the ceiling. “Sweetheart, since when do ya break rules?” He teased, gesturing at the many signs indicating that photography of the room was strictly forbidden. He laughed at her crest fallen face.

“Tora!” she whispered harshly, “you can’t seriously think I’m just gonna pass through here without a picture of that!” she chided him, pointing one stubby little finger at the ceiling. “Michelangelo was an artistic genius and I’m gonna get a sample of his work for myself if it kills me.” Tora just chuckled and did his best to block the guard’s view of her with his body while she snapped her photos. Not that it was really necessary considering the fact that they and the three hundred other people in the room were packed together like sardines. He smiled down at her, even after all these years she never ceased to amuse him.

After they had toured St. Peters Basilica Poppy was about ready to bend over in agony. She had no idea what was wrong with her but she was starting to suspect she might actually be quite ill. Her sheer force of will was starting to prove not to be as dominant as she wished over the pain in her gut. She had read online that implantation could be painful for some women but this was almost as bad as her last period. She tugged on Tora’s hand, “lets get gelato!” she suggested, desperately needing to sit after their three hour walking tour. He nodded, directing her to a metal patio chair with a hand on the small of her back before wandering into the shop she’d pulled them to. Once he was out of eyeshot she doubled over in pain, wrapping both arms around herself, trying to breathe through it. What the hell was wrong with her? She rummaged in their backpack, pulling out a water bottle and the Midol she’d slipped in there this morning when Tora was in the shower.

Tora returned a moment later with two gelatos, placing the chocolate one in front of her. “Here ya go sweetheart,” he offered, plopping himself into the chair next to her.

She smiled sweetly at him, already digging into the treat, “That was pretty cool eh? I’m looking forward to getting on the ship tomorrow! I can’t wait to just lounge by the pool for a bit after all the walking we’ve been doing.” She imparted, shoving the frozen treat in her mouth.

He shrugged, “I’m down for whatever ya want Bobby, what’s next on that crazy agenda of yours?” he asked, genuinely curious. Everything they’d done so far had been pretty damn awesome. He was definitely gonna let her plan all their future trips as well. The woman should really have thought about event planning instead of editing for a living. Then again, in his opinion there wasn’t much his Bobby wasn’t good at.

She smiled, leaving the binder in their bag. Technically they were supposed to go to a museum next but she wasn’t sure she could take much more walking. Her abdomen was screaming at her and it would take a while for the pill to kick in. She thought on her toes, “Actually Tora, if you don’t mind, I’ve had enough of statues, I think I’d kinda like to just ride the bus around the city and look out the window. You know, explore, see the Tiber? Maybe get off if something catches our eye? We don’t have another walking tour until after dinner tonight.” She suggested, scooping up a little more of her gelato reluctantly, it just wasn’t as appealing to her anymore as it had been a moment ago.

Tora eyed her skeptically, since when did Poppy want to give up an opportunity to look at more art and learn more about the ancient world? He frowned taking another bite of his gelato, maybe her feet hurt? He’d seen her wince a few times walking around the Bascilica when she thought he wasn’t looking. She’d had one hell of a blister yesterday afternoon. He made a mental note to offer to rub them for her tonight when they got back to the hotel. She wasn’t really eating her gelato anymore though, just kinda poking at it. Usually she scarfed anything sweet and was asking for seconds by now. “Everything okay sweetheart?” he asked.

She smiled at him brightly, still not ready to admit she might be unwell, “oh yeah, I think all the excitement and the sun and the heat is finally getting to me. I’m just tired; we had a pretty late night yesterday and an early start today.” She placated.

He shrugged, “okay, if you say so, ya should put on your hat then, keep the sun off your head, the last thing ya want is to get heatstroke.” He supplied practically.

Poppy rolled her eyes, “yes dear,” she replied sarcastically, bending over to pull out the sunhat she’d folded into the bag this morning.

Tora pointed at her right shoulder with his spoon, “ya should also put on some more sunscreen, you’re a looking a little red.” He suggested around a mouthful of gelato.

“uh huh,” she replied dismissively, turning her attention back to her treat, not bothering to reach for the sunscreen after the way her abdomen had reacted to just retrieving her hat. Tora frowned when she made no move to do as he’d instructed. He didn’t like it when she didn’t listen to him but he’d learned over the years not to push, as Poppy rarely did anything he told her to if she really didn’t want to. It still frustrated him sometimes but he lived with it, admitting he still found her feistiness attractive. Besides, when she whined about being burnt later he’d get to say ‘I told you so’.

They ate in silence for a few minutes, well, he did, she just moved the gelato around her cup. She looked up when she noticed a bus coming down the street towards them. “Come on Tora, let’s go!” she insisted, dumping her barely touched gelato into the garbage with his empty cup.

~ ~ ~

Tora frowned down at his wife, slumped against his shoulder, fast asleep. They’d been on the bus for all of twenty minutes before she’d begun squirming, whining about muscle pain in her lower back from all their walking. He’d taken their backpack from her and instructed her to lean forward so he could massage it for her; indifferent to the gazes they were getting at such a public display of affection. She’d said it had helped a little and then she’d cuddled up next to him despite the heat and fallen asleep, seemingly too exhausted to keep her eyes open anymore. He thought about her wincing and the fact she hadn’t finished her gelato, his instincts nagging at him that something was off.

He woke her up when the bus finally circled back to an area he remembered. Their hotel wasn’t that far from this square. “Come on sweetheart, lets go back to our room, I could use a cold shower and nap before our next tour.” He insisted, trying to make it about him so she’d agree with less of a fuss. When she didn’t immediately object he knew something was wrong. There was no way she didn’t have something planned for this afternoon. Something was wrong with _her_. His frown deepened as he scrutinized her the whole walk back to the hotel. She’d offered to take their bag three times and each of the three times he’d refused her, wondering why the hell she wanted it so bad. She’d given him a lame excuse about wanting her water bottle but when he retrieved it for her she’d barely taken a sip from it before passing it back. She was also walking slower than usual, dragging her feet.

Once they got back to their room she collapsed onto their bed, tossing her sunhat in the corner of the room, face down on the mattress in pain. All she’d wanted was another damn pill but Tora just refused to let her carry the bag. Tora peeled his sweat drenched t-shirt from his chest, reaching for his shorts next. “I’m gonna shower sweetheart, care to join me?” he teased, testing her, wondering just how serious her muscle pain was. He recoiled slightly when she glared at him from the bed. She rarely turned him down; especially now that they’d decided to actually try to get pregnant. He approached her cautiously, the mattress sagging under him as he sat down next to her, already moving his hands over her lower back. “Ya still in pain?” he asked, genuinely concerned.

Poppy sighed, his fingers working magic on her inflamed muscles. “Ya, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I mean I know I’m not exactly the definition of ‘fit’ right now but I really didn’t think _walking_ would be this hard.” She whined.

He chuckled, “you’re perfect sweetheart, and don’t sell yourself short, we walked for nine hours yesterday and did at least five today. Ain’t no shame in being tired. Just relax. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do on vacation?” He reassured her.

“Mmm,” she moaned as his thumbs dug into a particularly tight muscle. “Uh huh,” she murmured, already relaxing into the bedding. He disappeared and she heard the water from the shower a moment later. She pushed herself to her knees and stripped out of her sweaty clothes. When she peeled off her underwear her brows narrowed in confusion. Her pad from this morning was soiled. There’d been barely any blood on the one she’d worn last night when she changed it this morning. To be fair, there was only slightly more blood on this one but still, her instincts nagged at her. Was this right? Wasn’t implantation bleeding supposed to be sparse and light red? This was dark. She ripped it off and rolled it up, burying it in the trash can next to the curved writing desk the tv sat a top at the foot of the bed. She stood there for a moment debating whether or not to tell Tora about what had been going on. She really didn’t want to worry him and she certainly didn’t want to voice her suspicion about pregnancy until she could take a test. She frowned down at her bare feet, looking at her own nakedness in the full length mirror next to the desk. “Not yet,” she whispered to herself before going to join him in the shower. She wasn’t feeling up to any funny business but she was just as sweaty as he was and she hoped the cold water might soothe her muscles.

~ ~ ~

Tora followed their tour group out of the Pantheon, dragging Poppy along behind him as he grew more and more concerned about her. She was dragging her feet again and kept pressing her hand against her lower stomach anytime she didn’t think he was looking. It was worrying to say the least. He didn’t say a word to her though, hoping she’d tell him what was wrong eventually. Damn. The woman was unbelievably stubborn sometimes. She probably wouldn’t even tell him the truth right now if he outright asked her. He had his answer a moment later while the rest of the group was admiring a fountain when she tugged on his hand.

Poppy felt like she was going to puke. Her stomach was rolling violently and she was beginning to suspect her bowels were going to be just as traitorous as her gut. “Tora,” she wheezed, swallowing hard, forcing down the sick feeling creeping over her skin, “Tora I need to go back to the hotel.” She took another steadying breath, “now,” she stated firmly. He nodded, alarm in his eyes as he pulled out his phone, pulling up the map he’d downloaded of the city as he pulled them away from the tour group, not giving a shit that they weren’t done yet. Poppy made it a block and a half before she realized there was no way she was going to be able to make it all the way back to the hotel without being sick. “Tora,” she gasped, “I need a washroom, there,” she said, pointing at a café across the street.

Tora nodded, placing his hand on her lower back as he directed them towards the café, “bagno?” he asked the waitress behind the counter in Italian. She responded in their language that they needed to buy something first. Poppy ordered a cappuccino and then disappeared down the stairs into the basement of the building, leaving Tora to awkwardly explain that she had all their euros and he couldn’t pay until she returned.

Poppy barely had enough time to close the door behind her before she heaved the contents of her stomach into the toilet. Her head was spinning, she felt like she might pass out. Her stomach rolled and she threw up what was left before her gut rumbled and she was on her feet pushing down her shorts as she emptied her liquid bowels. She cradled her head in her hands, resting her elbows on her knees, willing herself not to throw up again. Oh she was sick alright. God damn it. What the hell had she eaten? She wept silently to herself. This was supposed to be one of the best experiences of her life. She was in Rome! With Tora! She had been hoping to get pregnant on this trip! She’d had it all planned out in her head. She was going to be home next week and take a test and find a cute way to tell him if it came back positive. She wasn’t supposed to be puking and shitting her guts out in this ancient gross basement single bathroom. Her thoughts were interrupted as her stomach rolled again. She spread her legs and hung her head, scooting back as far as she could on the seat, feeling she had actually hit rock bottom, was she actually about to puke between her….yup.

Tora tapped his thumb impatiently against the table, pointedly ignoring the barista in the empty shop as she busied herself behind the counter. Poppy was going to tell him just what the fuck was going on with her once she returned. He was done waiting for her to come to the decision of sharing on her own. Damn that stubborn ass woman. If she was sick he was taking her back to the hotel right now. Fuck anything she had planned, nothing was more important than her health. When he’d suggested they beg off their walking tour tonight she’d objected viciously, assuring him she was fine and just sore. That was obviously complete bullshit.

Poppy wiped her mouth clean with a paper towel after splashing water on her face. Her reflection looked pale. Jesus. She pinched her own cheeks, trying to bring some colour back to them. She couldn’t go back to Tora looking like this. The man would have one of his overbearing shit fits and coddle her for the rest of the night; forbidding her from doing anything even remotely strenuous. She knew he’d probably be right to after what she’d just done but she was in Europe damn it! Who knew if she’d ever get the opportunity to come back? It was just a stomach bug or food poisoning wasn’t it? She could fight a stomach bug, and if it was food poisoning it was over now right? She was pretty sure she had nothing left in her body now but blood and bones. She was strong, tough. She was married to the god damn Tiger of Ares Street. She’d been through worse; she could handle this without needing to be bed ridden. She pinched her cheeks again, her arms feeling heavy. She closed her eyes, taking a moment to acquaint herself with the way her body was feeling. Headache, stomach and lower back pain, body weakness, exhaustion, feverish skin. Yup, nothing she hadn’t been through before. The new blood she’d noticed on the pad when she was pulling up her pants was still mildly concerning but they weren’t necessarily related right? She exhaled heavily, glaring at herself in the mirror. “Pull yourself together Poppy. You’re in goddamn Rome. You’re not letting _anything_ ruin this trip. You’ve been looking forward to this for too long. Cowboy up.” She sighed, turning towards the door, annoyed when it didn’t budge. Oh for heaven’s sake, she had just been sick and now she was so weak she couldn’t even open a damn door? Now she was just angry, she reefed on it; relief washing over her a moment later when it finally gave way for her. Thank Christ. She glared at the stairs, since when were there so many? She climbed them slowly, her legs feeling like jelly beneath her weight.

Tora didn’t realize how worried he actually was until he saw her appear at the top of the stairs. Thank Christ. She’d been gone so long he’d been about ready to come searching for her. “Y’okay?” he asked softly as she lowered herself into the seat across from him, worry etched deeply over his face. She nodded, pulling her purse into her lap as she fished around for some money. She handed him a few dollars silently, watching as he finally paid the barista before rejoining her. “Spill sweetheart, what the fuck is up with ya?” he asked firmly, his tone indicating he wasn’t in the mood for any games.

Poppy smiled at him weakly, “I think I had food poisoning. I was just sick in the bathroom. Really took the life outta me. Between that and all the walking straining my muscles, I’m exhausted. I’m sorry I made us miss the end of our tour,” she apologized, taking a sip of her cappuccino, hoping the caffeine would give her the energy she needed to make it back to the hotel.

He reached across the small table, taking her hand in his, “it’s fine, I don’t care. I’m just glad you’re okay. Ya really had me worried there for a minute sweetheart.” He told her, giving her hand a squeeze.

She nodded at him, wincing when the muscle in her neck objected to the movement. She was sore all over. This was insane. She couldn’t ever remember being so mad at her body before, and that was saying something considering how upset she got with herself sometimes when she looked in the mirror. “Our hotel has a really nice roof top patio. What do ya say we forget about the rest of my plans for tonight and just go there and relax a bit before bed? I wouldn’t mind some breadsticks or something to settle my stomach.” She offered.

Tora nodded, pulling her to her feet, his hand settling protectively on the small of her back as he lead her out of the café and in the direction of their hotel. Tora’s forehead wrinkled with worry when she insisted on stopping to sit or lean heavily against a wall every hundred meters or so, informing him she was in pain and just needed a minute to collect herself before they continued. He’d offered to carry her a few times but she wasn’t having it. He wasn’t a doctor but the way she was acting didn’t have ‘food poisoning’ ringing true to his ears at all. Was she really in that much pain from walking and hiking? Poppy was one of the strongest women he’d ever met, definitely the most persistent and stubborn one at least. She might be little but she was no weakling. He was genuinely starting to worry. He was going to make sure she saw a doctor when they boarded the ship tomorrow. It was an American ship so at least the doctor would speak English. He’d feel better once a medical professional assured him is was just muscle strain, food poisoning and maybe a touch of heat stroke. He’d been telling her to wear more sunscreen and drink more water all day. Did the stubborn woman listen to him though? Fuck no. Of course not. Fucking headstrong woman. The sun had obviously addled her brain. If she insisted on taking another break before they reached the hotel he was going to carry her the rest of the way, her objections be damned.

Poppy sighed in relief as they made their way into their hotel room, collapsing onto the bed. This felt familiar didn’t it? She closed her eyes and relaxed for a moment, making a mental list of what she needed to do tonight before bed. They were getting on the ship tomorrow. She needed to get their metro tickets out for the train, pack their bags up, and take photos of their room of course for memories and so that she could show her Gran when they got back. Her grandmother had never gotten the opportunity to travel; she was determined to have her live vicariously through all the hundreds of photos she’d taken thus far. With her parents gone, Gran was the most important person to her in the world aside from Tora of course. She smiled a little to herself, picturing her Gran’s reactions when she saw the vistas they’d explored today.

“Hey Bobby, I’m gonna go have a smoke okay?” Tora informed her, not bothering to toe off his shoes, “ya alright without me for a couple minutes?” he asked seriously, his hand gripping the trim of doorway above him as he leaned towards her, feeling conflicted about leaving her but desperately craving the nicotine fix after how worried he’d been this evening.

She rolled onto her back and sat up, “don’t be silly, of course I will be. Can you just pull out your clothes for tomorrow before you go though so I can pack? We need to get going early tomorrow so I’d like to pack as much as possible tonight so we can get lots of sleep tonight. I think I need it after today.” She explained, a grin on her face, the excitement of the impending cruise doing wonders to buoy her mood. 

Tora smiled at her, “course I can,” he replied, happy to see her smiling again as he toed off his shoes and moved to rummage through their suitcase for a moment, settling on the first shirt and shorts his hands fell on. “Here,” he said with a small smile as he handed them to her.

Poppy smiled up at him, “no undies then? Gonna go commando tomorrow?” she teased, collecting the clothing from him.

He barked out a laugh at her reminder before tossing a pair at her, she caught them mid-air, “’kay be back in a few,” he told her, slipping his shoes back on as he disappeared out the door. Poppy busied herself, trying to take her mind off her body and the way it was still tormenting her.

Tora took the stairs, too agitated to wait for the elevator. He pushed out the lobby door and ducked into the ally beside the hotel, lighting up. He exhaled slowly, tilting his head back to lean against the wall as he closed his eyes in thought. She seemed a bit better now. That was good right? He sighed. She was so damn independent, he wished she’d let him look after her more. Tomorrow they were getting up early for breakfast at the hotel then they’d take the metro to the train station so they could go to Civitavecchia where they’d board their ship. Hopefully it wouldn’t be too much more walking for her. Lugging the three bags she’d packed them meant he wouldn’t have any free hands to carry her if she was still in pain tomorrow. Once they got on the ship though, she was going to relax and take it easy. He’d make sure of it. She needed a break and she needed to listen to her body, whether she liked what it was telling her or not. He would know, he’d pushed his own body to the breaking point too many times to count. He was a soldier, trained not to stop until the job was done. Poppy was different though, this wasn’t life or death. The woman just needed to relax before she actually hurt herself.

~ ~ ~

Poppy sighed, looking at him and the amazing backdrop behind him as she nibbled on her breadstick. He’d offered for her to order an actual meal but she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to stomach it. Instead, much to the waiter’s disappointment, all they’d ordered was water and bread. She’d giggled when Tora had muttered something about twelve euros for a bottle of water being highway robbery. He was looking at her with a wide grin now though. “It’s good to see ya smiling sweetheart.”

She smiled back, “how could I do anything other than smile Tora? This is a dream come true. I still can’t believe we’re actually here and it’s just the beginning! I can’t wait to see what tomorrow will bring!” She assured him.

He nodded, pouring more water into her glass, she still looked pale to him. Tomorrow he was going to make sure she listened to him. They spent the rest of the night enjoying each other’s company, chatting about everything that still awaited them in the coming days.

Poppy smiled at him as they crawled into bed that night, “Tora, I love you and our life and this trip and our home and I’m so excited to have kids with you,” she kissed him as he pulled her into his arms.

He kissed her back before tucking her into the crook of his arm, encouraging her to snuggle into him. “I love you too Poppylan, no matter what happens next I’m just happy I get to walk through life with ya.” He promised, dropping a kiss on the top of her head before turning out the light.

“Love you more,” she whispered into the darkness.

“Love ya most,” he replied, finishing the silly saying they’d started repeating to each other years ago.


	2. The Longest Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...sorry. Please remember the trigger warning from Chapter one. 
> 
> Songs:  
> To Die For by Sam Smith  
> Some Girl by Andy Grammer  
> Awake & Alive by Skillet

** JULY 27 **

Poppy’s eyes flew open as she sat up in bed, the sharp pain in her lower right abdomen having woken her. She turned her head, noting that it was still pitch black in the room and Tora was snoring softly beside her. Careful not to wake him, she rolled onto her side and reached for her phone. 4am. Geez. She closed her eyes and tried to go back to sleep, willing the pain to subside on its own. She couldn’t deny it anymore though; this stomach bug was getting her goat. When the pain only seemed to intensify she rolled out of bed, grabbed her phone and crept to the bathroom, only turning on the light after she’d closed the door. She typed her systems into google, she knew it was probably only going to tell her she was dying and had some terrible form of cancer, web MD always jumped to the worst possible option but she needed to at least try to figure out what was wrong with her right? Her eyes widened in alarm at the first few results. Shit. She had known Google would try to scare her. Gastrointestinal problems including various kinds of cancer, well, she’d predicted that. She skipped to the next one, food poisoning; that was expected. Urinary problems including kidney stones and kidney disease. Well, there was not much she could do about any of those right now. She scrolled through the list, her thumb hovering over one titled ‘ectopic pregnancy’. What the hell was an ectopic pregnancy? She’d never heard of that before. She clicked the link and read on in horror.

_In the case of an ectopic pregnancy, the fertilized egg doesn’t attach to the uterus. Instead, it may attach to the fallopian tube, abdominal cavity, or cervix. While a pregnancy test may reveal a woman is pregnant, a fertilized egg can’t properly grow anywhere other than the uterus. Ectopic pregnancies occur in about roughly 20 of every 1000 pregnancies. An untreated ectopic pregnancy can be a medical emergency. Prompt treatment reduces your risk of complications from the ectopic pregnancy._

Poppy reminded herself to breath and continued reading, scrolling down to ‘who’s at risk’. Her eyes flying over the words. Women 35 years or older, nope. History of pelvic surgery, abdominal surgery or multiple abortions, nope not her either. History of pelvic inflammatory disease, nope. History of endometriosis, she knew a girl with that, but she didn’t have it. Conception aided by fertility drugs or procedures, nope. Smoking, well maybe slight second hand from Tora but he was usually really good about keeping it away from her. History of ectopic pregnancy, nope. History of STD’s oh please, she’d been a virgin when she met Tora and he’d never given her anything.

She scrolled down feeling relieved she didn’t qualify as a candidate. She read on, _ectopic pregnancies typically occur six to eight weeks into pregnancy_. She let out a breath in relief. Thank god. This ectopic pregnancy thing sounded pretty serious. If she _was_ pregnant though she wasn’t even two weeks along yet and that was only if Tora had gotten her knocked up on their first try that day on the couch when he’d initially agreed to starting a family. She continued to scroll, reading about different types of bowel and intestinal cancer before she sighed heavily, giving up. If it was cancer like her Dad she was more than happy to wait until this trip was over to get that kind of news. Not like she could start chemo on a damn cruise ship. She opened her phone and looked up pregnancy symptoms. Grinning widely as she read them. _Light spotting or implantation bleeding_ , she glanced down at her pad. Yup. _Nausea and vomiting,_ yup. _Lower back pain,_ oh hell yeah. _Fatigue,_ yup. _Headaches and dizziness,_ yes, yes, yes! _Swollen boobs,_ she reached up and squeezed one, they did feel a little fuller lately, it was odd though cause she’d almost convinced herself they were fuller weeks ago before she’d gotten her period, maybe that one was just in her head because she wanted this so bad. She was ecstatic. She’d go see a doctor as soon as they got back to Narin but after reading that, she was going to choose to believe she was pregnant and suffering food poisoning. Yup. That’s all this was. She smiled to herself, her logic screaming at her not to get ahead of herself but her heart too far gone to listen as she took another pain killer and crawled back into bed next to Tora.

~ ~ ~

Tora cocked his head to the side in confusion as he watched Poppy nibble on her Nutella covered toast. “Still not feeling your best sweetheart?” he asked, worry laced through his tone. She’d always been a hearty eater, even when on one of her silly diets.

She put down her bread, “yeah, I think it’s just the lasting effects of yesterday’s food poisoning,” she admitted sheepishly, feeling weird about lying to him but not wanting to tell him of her suspicion until she was able to confirm it. She had zero appetite though, she really didn’t feel well. Nothing on their buffet spread had tempted her in the slightest.

He nodded, “well try to eat what ya can, and grab some of those individually wrapped Belgian waffles from the table when we leave. That way you’ll have something to munch on, on the train later if ya get hungry.” He instructed. She nodded, picking up her bread trying to ignore how nauseous she felt. She grabbed four on their way out, shoving them in the front pocket of their backpack.

~ ~ ~

Tora stowed the last of their baggage in the compartment beside them on the train before coming to take a seat next to Poppy, she was looking out the window and had been oddly silent most of the morning. He put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her into him. “Ya okay kid?” he asked for the twentieth time that morning. 

She just nodded and leaned heavily against him, “yeah Tora, seriously, I’m okay. I’m just tired and maybe still a little sick,” she murmured. She was exhausted, falling back to sleep this morning had been almost impossible, she was convinced she’d gotten four hours of rest at the most. 

Tora rolled his eyes, “Poppy, ya do get that sick and ‘okay’ are complete opposites right?” he asked softly. He smiled when she giggled in response.

“Yes dear,” she teased. He just smirked and dropped a kiss on top of her head.

~ ~ ~

Poppy sighed in relief when they finally entered their cabin on the cruise ship. The treck to get there having taken the wind out of her. She’d been sick on the train twice, thankfully not like in the café, just morning sickness she hoped. Though if she were being honest with herself, two weeks seemed too soon for that to be happening already but then again, she supposed every pregnancy was unique right? When they’d arrived in Civitavecchia she’d been horrified when Tora had informed her it was a three kilometre hike to the ship and taxis were nowhere to be found. She had begrudgingly followed him, dragging their carry-on bag behind her as he handled the two big ones, doing her best to ignore the pain slowing her movements. Once they’d arrived at the port, they’d had to wait in the sun for almost a half hour before the shuttle bus arrived. The pain had been oppressive. The excitement she felt boarding the ship only taking a slight edge off it. She was so sweaty, her pants were sticky between her legs and around her thighs, she couldn’t wait to peel them off, throw on a bathing suit, grab a bite from the buffet and just relax by the pool. She hadn’t been able to eat this afternoon, she still wasn’t hungry but she knew she should eat something. The last thing she wanted to do was faint on Tora. She’d never hear the end of it if she did that. She headed straight to the bathroom of their small interior cabin. She pulled down her black capris and froze. Her pad was soaked through, smears of blood on her inner thighs, her pants not sticky from sweat, but from…blood.

Tora, shoved all three of their suitcases into the closet, before tossing himself onto the bed on his back, kicking off his shoes. He closed his eyes, fuck he was sweaty. It was so god damn hot here. Why the fuck he’d thought coming here in July was a good idea was beyond him. He felt like he’d just been put through the workout of his life. Why the fuck did she pack so much shit? He always travelled light; he highly doubted she needed all the shit she’d brought. Ridiculous. Why had she packed her own toiletries? Why the fuck did she need to bring shampoo and conditioner when they had all the miniature bottles in the hotel rooms? He sighed. Whatever, if it made her happy who gave a shit? He smiled, thinking about some of the other quirky shit he loved about his little wife. “Tora,” he looked up at her as she took a step towards him, his smile disappearing. She sounded afraid. She was pale, her eyes wide, tears welling. He didn’t like that at all. “Tora, I think I need a doctor.” She whispered.

He was on his feet in an instant, shoving them back into his shoes, he’d seen the medical office when they’d boarded. He knew where to take her. “What’s going on?” he asked, already grabbing her hand, tugging her down the hall towards the stairs.

Poppy followed obediently after him, mildly registering that she was retreating away emotionally from what was happening, she did it often whenever Tora told her something she wasn’t ready to hear. “I’m bleeding,” she whispered, “a lot.”

That made him pause. He turned on the stairs to look at her, his gaze travelling the length of her body. What the fuck? “Where?” he snapped.

Poppy swallowed thickly, her heart racing, “between my legs,” she replied, “I think I’m pregnant. There’s something wrong Tora. This isn’t right.” She explained, finally being honest with him.

Tora’s eyes widened, shock evident in their depths, “fuck Bobby,” he breathed, twisting around again, this time flying down the stairs as quickly as she was able. When they reached the door to the medical office Tora had to fight off rage when he realized the door was locked. Next to it was a plaque stating office hours and that a doctor would not be on duty until four pm. It was only one o’clock now. Fuck.

“Sir, mam’ can I help you?” A crew member asked, approaching them, a stack of towels in his arms.

Poppy turned to look at him in desperation, clutching her abdomen. “I need help, something is wrong. Please.” She gasped around her pain, her nausea rearing its ugly head again.

“The doctor isn’t in but if you pick up the phone and call 911 the nurse on call will come down to see you now,” he supplied helpfully before continuing down the hall past them.

Tora didn’t hesitate for a second, putting the phone to his ear, punching in the numbers. It rang twice, “Princess cruises, 911 medical assistance. How may I help you?” a cheery voice answered.

“My wife is bleeding, send someone, _now_ ,” He growled, his eyes on Poppy as she slid down the wall to sit on the floor, her arms wrapped over her waist.

“May I ask the nature and location of her injury? Symptoms?” the voice asked. He handed the phone to Poppy, informing her what they were asking.

He listened attentively as she answered their questions, “hello? Uh, I think I’m having pregnancy complications, no, not confirmed just female intuition, I think two weeks at most. Uh, heavy vaginal bleeding, sharp pain in my lower right abdomen, nausea, vomiting, about three days now. Yes. Ok. Thank you.” She handed the phone back to Tora, “someone is coming.” She assured him cringing at the furious look on his face.

Tora clenched his jaw, trying but failing to keep his anger in check. _Yelling at her isn’t going to help anything_ , he repeated to himself over and over and as a mantra. “Why the _fuck_ didn’t ya tell me?” he snapped at her viciously.

Poppy sucked in her bottom lip, doing her best not to cry, “I didn’t want to worry you, we’re on vacation, I wanted to have a good time. I was hoping it would go away. I wasn’t sure about the pregnancy, I’m still not. I didn’t want to get my hopes up by telling you if it turns out not to be true.” She whispered in explanation. She closed her eyes in an attempt to shield herself from the fury on his face, “I’m sorry Tora, please don’t be mad, I’m really scared. I need you right now.” She pleaded, tilting her head back to lean against the wall as she hugged herself tighter, tears streaming down her face.

He took a calming breath, lowering himself to the floor next to her, wrapping an arm around her, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “It’s gonna be okay Bobby, don’t be scared sweetheart, the doc’ll look after ya.” He promised, unable to hold onto his anger with her in the face of her tears.

A few moments later a large Australian man in scrubs approached them from the stairwell, “hey, there, come on in,” he said, unlocking the door for them, ushering them past the waiting room and into what looked like a hospital room with a small washroom attached to it. “Alright darlin’ I’m gonna need ya to pee into this for me,” he said handing a plastic see through cup to her, gesturing to the washroom. Tora folded his arms over his chest in the corner of the room, his eyes trailing her as she accepted it with a nod and disappeared into the washroom. His heart skipped a beat in panic when she returned a moment later. The cup was full of blood. He felt a cold sweat break out over his skin, his instincts telling him this might be worse than anything his brain had been able to conjure and torture him with thus far.

Poppy moved on autopilot, refusing to acknowledge any of her feelings as she handed the cup over to the nurse, climbing into the hospital bed when he told her too. She didn’t look at Tora, she couldn’t. She kept her eyes closed as she laid back, arms around her waist, knees drawn to her in an attempt to relieve the screaming pain coming from her abdomen, the concerned, surprised look on the nurse’s face flashing behind her eyes. This was bad. She knew this was bad. The nurse obviously knew this was bad. More blood than urine wasn’t normal. There was no lying to herself anymore. There’d been even more blood this time, something was seriously wrong with her. Shit.

The nurse returned a few moments later, paperwork in his hands, “Uh miss,” he ventured hesitantly.

“Poppy,” she corrected him, taking in the nervous look on his face.

“Poppy, uh, I just got off the phone with the doctor, she’s on her way down. Listen, I’m so sorry to tell you this but you _are_ pregnant,” he explained.

She started sobbing, she knew it, she knew it. Oh god. He was ‘sorry?’ There was something wrong with her baby. She was overwhelmed, drowning in conflicting emotions, she was elated, she was pregnant. She was terrified, there was something _wrong_. Her eyes searched the room, landing on Tora. He was staring at her; she had never seen a look on his face like that before. It made her cry harder.

Tora couldn’t breathe, he felt like he’d just been stabbed. This was his fault. She was bleeding and in pain and all because he’d said yes to kids. He’d done this to her. He was supposed to love and cherish and protect her and he’d done this to her. He moved towards her, taking one of her hands in his. He squeezed it comfortingly; he had no words for her. He had no idea what to say. He watched as the nurse took another step towards them.

“I’m gonna need one of you to fill these out please?” he asked awkwardly, holding out a clip board and a pen to them, not sure which of them to hand it to.

Tora dropped her hand and accepted the paperwork, happy to have a momentary distraction. He couldn’t process what was happening right now. There was a fist around his heart and it was squeezing so tightly he thought he might pass out. This was his worst nightmare coming true; Bobby in devastating emotional and physical pain, him, _useless_ to do anything about it.

Poppy looked on in a daze as a small Asian woman entered the room, closing the door behind her softly. She spoke a few words to the nurse as he left the room before she turned her attention to Poppy. “Hello Ms. Wilkes, my name is Dr. Amanda Soo. Bradley informs me you’re pregnant; however, based on your symptoms I suspect it may be ectopic. Are you familiar with -” Poppy nodded, “okay then, I’m going to need to perform a pelvic exam.” She turned her attention to Tora, “Sir, I’m sorry but would you mind stepping out for a moment? Bradley needs that paperwork.” She informed him, gesturing at the clipboard in his hands, her eyes communicating that it wasn’t a request.

Tora glanced at Poppy, “sweetheart?” he asked as calmly as he could, his fingers turning white around the clipboard. Like hell he was leaving her side.

“It’s okay Tora, go, seeing what she’s about to do will just upset you,” she responded to his unvoiced question as calmly as she could manage between tearful sobs. Oh god. This couldn’t be happening. Tora looked down at her, placing a hand on her forehead, brushing her hair out of her eyes before kissing her sweaty forehead.

“I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you more,” she hissed, a wave of pain radiating the length of her torso.

“I love you most,” he insisted before squaring his shoulders and leaving the room, glaring at the small woman that was sending him away.

Poppy settled her eyes on Amanda. “He doesn’t know what ectopic means,” she whispered.

The doctor nodded sympathetically, “he will in a moment. When was your last period? Do you need help with your pants?” she asked, closing the distance between them as she pulled a surgical glove from her pocket.

Poppy shook her head and unbuttoned them, shoving her capris and her underwear down to her ankles, kicking them off one foot, spreading her knees for her as she stared up at the ceiling. “July ninth through the thirteenth.” She gasped through a wave of pain, noticing the confused look on the doctor’s face.

“How about the one before that?” She asked, her hand resting on her knee.

“June thirteenth to the sixteenth,” she replied, thanking herself for using a tracking app. She’d looked at those dates so many times before her July period it’d made her half crazy.

She nodded, “That makes more sense,” she muttered to herself, “I’m sorry, this is going to hurt.” Amanda apologized regretfully.

It took everything in Tora to stay rooted to the spot when he heard Poppy start screaming. The nurse’s words still echoing in his brain as he tried to make sense of them. _Internal bleeding, ruptured fallopian tube, life threatening, emergency surgery, ambulance on the way, local hospital, no surgeon aboard._ “Sir, I know this is hard but I really need you to fill out the insurance portion of this document,” Bradley insisted, shoving the damn clipboard back towards him. He accepted it; Poppy’s screaming making his heart palpitate. What the fuck was that doctor doing to her?

Poppy bit her lip and moaned in agony as Amanda probed her, doing her best not to scream again, this was hell. She’d never been in so much pain in her life. What was this woman doing to her? She had done the best she could to answer Amanda’s questions as she poked around her innards but she felt like she was dying, she didn’t remember ever having a pap smear or an exam feel like this before. Amanda withdrew her bloodied hand, tossing the glove into a small garbage can before approaching the bed. She patted her arm affectionately, her eyes soft and sympathetic. “Listen to me carefully Poppy, I need to tell you something and you need to remember it. I know it’s hard with how much pain you’re in but your life depends on it.” She explained calmly.

Poppy blinked up at her stupidly; petrified by Amanda’s last few words, Jesus Christ was she actually _dying_? That couldn’t be right. That was wrong. She had to have misunderstood. She nodded weakly, doing her best to focus and ignore the pain. “I suspect your right fallopian tube has ruptured and from the amount of blood I think it happened a while ago, the severity of your pain and the symptoms you’re displaying lead me to believe you’re suffering from internal bleeding in addition to what you’re losing externally. I’ve instructed Bradley to call the local hospital. You’re going to have emergency surgery and they’re going to remove the baby and your fallopian tube, depending on where it has ruptured they may be able to save your ovary.” She paused a moment, letting Poppy sob as she absorbed the information. “Now listen to me carefully, I’m going to put an IV in both your arms so that if the hospital needs to do a blood transfusion you’ll be a step ahead. The abdominal and rectal pressure you’re feeling is due to the internal bleeding, this is life threatening. If you feel pain in your shoulders, the internal bleeding had reached critical levels and you need to let the doctors know immediately. Do you understand?” she asked, her nails digging into Poppy’s forearm. When she didn’t respond she repeated, “shoulder pain Ms. Poppy, you feel any shoulder pain and you tell the doctors immediately. Do. You. Understand?” She bit out.

Poppy nodded, tears streaming down her face. This wasn’t real. This couldn’t be happening. This was all just a bad dream. Her heart was shattering. “The baby?” she gasped.

Amanda shook her head sadly, “a pregnancy outside the uterus is not viable. It will be removed. There’s nothing we can do for it. But we can save you.” She said firmly, giving her arm another pat before heading towards the door. Poppy laid there crying, half naked, bleeding onto the bedding beneath her as she stared at the popcorn ceiling, unsure if she was crying in mourning for her unborn child or in fear for her own life. A moment later Amanda returned, helping her with her pants before prepping her for the IVs.

Tora ran, his heart pounding in his chest. He’d been informed they were getting off the ship with the ambulance. She was going to have surgery. Fucking _surgery_. He needed to get their bags, their money, their passports. Fuck. He hit the door, fumbling for his access card. This wasn’t happening. It wasn’t happening. He collected everything in the room, giving in at the last minute, glancing into the bathroom, blanching at the blood on the toilet seat. He’d seen blood before. Lots of it; and it much larger quantities but holy fuck. Knowing it was hers made his skin crawl and his stomach roll in revulsion. He wanted to puke. Holy fuck this _was_ happening. He left the room, their baggage in tow, moving as quickly as his body could. He had to get back to her. Now.

Poppy blinked at the ceiling as hands moved her from the hospital bed and onto a stretcher. She felt oddly calm. She was still in agony but she wasn’t making any noise. Not a sound as she watched the world move around her. The ceiling changing colour as the gurney was wheeled through the medical waiting room and then again as she was pulled through the ship corridor and then she was outside and the sky was blue and beautiful and the clouds were soft and shit it was beautiful day. And then Tora’s face hovering over her, saying something she couldn’t make out and then two other faces, paramedics? And then the roof of the ambulance. She glanced at the paramedics as they spoke back and forth to each other in Italian. Her body was on fire, every part of her hurt. Where was Tora? Where’d he go? Wasn’t he here a moment ago? She could feel the ambulance moving beneath her; every bump in the road causing her excruciating pain as they rattled her abused body. She felt wet as if someone had spilled a glass of water all over her lap. She closed her eyes and swallowed, fighting off the urge to vomit. The drive felt long. Then the world was moving again, the sky, sliding doors, another off white ceiling. This one was different, no popcorn this time, just long rectangular tiles. One of them was chipped. How the hell had that happened? Why the hell did she care? She turned her head, her neck screaming in protest. She was in a hallway. Someone had _left_ her in a hallway. There were three other people on beds around her, an old man, and old woman and some guy who looked to be in his mid-thirties. He was loud. Cursing in Italian holding onto a blood soaked towel around his arm. She turned her head the other way, elevator, a man with brown hair pulled back in a bun, blue Hawaiian shirt and brown khakis.

He approached her, documents clutched in his fist. “Poppylan Wilkes?” he asked, hovering over her. She nodded, “I’m Alberto, I’m a translator that works for the hospital. I’m going to be with you through this okay?” he told her calmly.

She nodded again, “please, my husband. Where is he?” she asked brokenly, fighting for the words through the agony and the tears.

Tora was forty feet away from her in an emergency waiting room surrounded by sick and injured Italians. He was livid. When he’d tried to climb into the ambulance after her he’d been told to get in front considering there was no room for him between her, their luggage and the two paramedics. He’d wanted to argue but the words _this could be time sensitive_ uttered by the male nurse on the ship had convinced him to hold his tongue. He hadn’t even argued when they’ve shoved the luggage at him and told him to go through a separate entrance as they wheeled her away from him. He’d had enough now though, now that he realized they just expected him to sit here and wait. Like fuck they wouldn’t let him be with her. Where the fuck were they keeping her? Was she already being prepped for surgery? A man wearing a ridiculous Hawaiian shirt appeared through a set of doors and approached him. “Are you Tora?” he asked bluntly. He nodded, eyeing the man suspiciously. “I’m Alberto, I am the translator assigned to your wife. I will tell her I found you.” He said before turning away from him, heading back towards the doors.

“Wait!” Tora shouted, “where is she? Can I see her?” he asked, ignoring how desperate he sounded even to his own ears.

Alberto turned to face him and shook his head sadly, “no sir, not right now, only patients are allowed back here. Please let family members know what is happening and if you could fill these out, it would be helpful as your wife is having difficulty…talking.” He said, handing him more paperwork.

Tora frowned, “is she okay? Please can I see her?” he begged.

Alberto’s face looked pained, “I will ask the doctors for you. Usually no, but because of what is happening. Maybe? Un minuto. I will check.” He said, disappearing back through the doors. It took everything in him not to rush after the man, pin him to a wall by his collar and demand he take him to Poppy. He couldn’t just intimidate and rush forwards bullheaded. Getting himself arrested and thrown in an Italian prison was not happening. Not when she needed him. He pulled out his phone. Sitting down. He stared at the screen, trying to mentally prepare himself to call her Granny. What the fuck did he say? His thumb smashed the saved number. She picked up on the fourth ring.

“Hello?” Poppy’s granny answered; passing a five dollar bill to the woman she had just bought a yard sale painting from.

Tora shut his eyes and cradled his forehead between his thumb and forefinger, “It’s Tora.”

Granny’s mouth opened in surprise, goodness, she wasn’t expecting to hear from her grandchildren. This call would cost him a fortune. What in the world was he calling for? “Are you having a good time dear?” She ventured, not sure she wanted to know the reason behind this phone call. In her experience, unexpected calls from faraway places were rarely positive. She thought as she climbed behind the wheel of her vehicle parked at the end of the drive.

Tora was silent for a long moment, “Poppy’s in the hospital, she’s having surgery. She’s pregnant. It’s ectopic. They think she’s got a lot of internal bleeding.” He imparted the knowledge as calmly as he could.

Granny felt her heart stop as her knuckles grew white, her grip on her steering wheel tightening. She knew what internal bleeding meant. She’d lived through a war. She knew that was a potential death sentence. Hell she even knew what ectopic meant. Her sister had had one. Her sweet little granddaughter was going through _that_ in another country? The tears came unbidden and unregistered by the old woman. Not again. She’d lost too many children. _Not again_. She didn’t think her old heart could handle it. “Tora,” she gasped. “You tell her to be strong for me. You tell her I love her you understand? You tell her she’s coming home and I’m baking cookies.” Her voice broke, “You _tell_ her I love her.” She sobbed into the phone.

Tora fought off his own tears as he listened to the woman weep, “I’ll tell her.”

~ ~ ~

Poppy couldn’t breathe, the pain was worse now. She was crippled by it. She was still lying in the hallway. Staring at the chip in the ceiling. The shoulder pain had started a minute ago. She felt like someone was taking a blowtorch to them while trying to rip her arms off her body. It was a strange sensation and although she could feel every agonizing second of it, her mind was oddly clear. She was dying. This was it. It was a good life. Her tears came harder. Tora was going to be a wreck. Her poor Granny. God. Death was so hard on the living. She was scared. She wasn’t ready. She looked around again, Alberto was walking back towards her. “Please, my husband, a phone, I need to call my Granny. I have to say goodbye. Please.” She begged, “I need a phone.”

Alberto gazed down at the crying woman sadly, she looked so scared, “He is calling her, the doctor asked me to ask you if you have pain? We are very busy, they are triaging you now. You shouldn’t have to wait much longer. Did the nurse come by to take your blood while I was gone?” he asked.

Poppy gasped in pain, “shoulders, pain, so much pain, please, a phone, I need to say goodbye. My husband? Where is my husband?” she cried, no longer even attempting to hold back the tears.

Alberto frowned, “I will tell them, he might be allowed soon, I asked.” He informed her, walking away again.

Poppy stared at the ceiling; she was going to die here. _Alone_. Staring at this fucking chip in the ceiling. It was unfair. Why wasn’t he listening to her? If they wouldn’t let her call her Granny wouldn’t they at least let her say goodbye to her husband? The bed was suddenly moving again, rushing her down a hallway.

Tora looked up in time to see his wife being wheeled door the corridor as a door swung back and forth on its hinges as a nurse walked through them. He didn’t hesitate, plowing through them and after her, ignoring all the shouting behind him.

Poppy watched as the world flew by around her, suddenly Tora’s face was there, his big hand squeezing hers, telling her he loved her and he was there. “I love you,” she whispered, “I feel wet.” She muttered, and then he was gone again and she was in an elevator, two men arguing angrily and rapidly over her in Italian. She couldn’t make sense of a word of it.

Tora watched on helplessly as the doctors shooed him away from the stretcher. Alberto clamped his hand down on his shoulder. “Come friend, we will get your bags and then go upstairs to wait. They are taking her for surgery now. I will stay with you.” He explained, directing the large man back the way they’d come.

~ ~ ~

Poppy closed her eyes, she was ready now. She’d told him she loved him. He knew. She was ready for the pain to stop now. She didn’t think she could take much more. They were manhandling her, forcing her off the bed and onto her feet. She distantly registered that she was screaming. She wanted to fight back but she couldn’t do it, she was too weak. They dragged her over to a chair, a female nurse appeared in front of her and stripped her of her pants and underwear before she was dragged backwards, thrown into the chair, her knees pulled up and back. Her feet resting against plastic pads. Then she was screaming again as they shoved something inside her, the two doctors still arguing with each other, the one not handling the instrument of her torture shouted something viciously, pointing at the screen beside them before forcibly shoving the other doctor out of the way, taking control of the ultrasound wand. He looked her in the eye, “Sorry.” He apologized bluntly before ramming the wand deeper inside her, stabbing her right side from the inside out as she shrieked bloody murder. She wept helplessly, this wasn’t fair. She was going to die, why were they torturing her like this? Where was Tora? Why was he allowing this? There was more shouting, pointing at the screen. Nodding, finally agreement between the two doctors. Then there were hands on her again, dragging her back to the stretcher half naked, wheeling her down the hall, up again, new bed. Someone forcing her to sit up. More screaming, more agony as they folded her in half. They took her shirt, her bra, her earrings; she fought them when they tried to take her wedding ring. They snapped at her with words she didn’t understand. She cried harder as they pried her fingers open, pulling his ring from her, too weak to fight against them. And then a green mesh being shoved over her head, pulled down her knees, open back. A page on a clipboard in front of her face. The Italian words swimming, moving around on the page as she stared at them, trying but unable to pull any meaning from them with her tear filled gaze. Someone pressed a pen into her hand. She looked up at the pinched face of the male doctor that had tortured her with the ultrasound wand. “Sign or die.” He barked. She cried harder, scribbling what she hoped was her signature. Were they still trying to save her then? She collapsed back as the hands supporting her disappeared. The world was moving again, she cried as people in the crowded hall gazed down at her nakedness. Big open room now. New bed? Table? Stretcher? She didn’t even know anymore. A man with kind brown eyes in scrubs filled her vision and she was strapped down. He patted her cheek, “no crying, no crying.” He told her, staring into her panic filled eyes before she lost consciousness.

~ ~ ~

Tora leaned forward heavily, his weight braced by his elbows on his knees, his fingers interlaced, his head hanging as he stared at the tiled floor of the waiting room. He was in hell. That’s what had happened. Someone had finally succeeded in killing him and this was hell. His wife was dying somewhere in this building and he was being forced to just sit here and wait for someone else to save her. Or tell him she was dead. He shuddered. Poppylan couldn’t die. She wasn’t allowed. Nothing was allowed to happen to her. She was too precious to him. How the fuck was he supposed to live without her? He wouldn’t. He refused. This was all so fucking wrong. He was the one with the dangerous job, not her. This was backwards, everything was wrong with the world right now. Fuck. This couldn’t actually be happening right now. 

Alberto tapped him gently in the arm as a nurse approached; they spoke back and forth for a moment before he turned to Tora, “she says your wife is in surgery now. A good surgeon is working on her. They are giving her a blood transfusion to make up for what she lost. Surgery should take thirty to forty five minutes. They will let us know when you are allowed to see her. She has her things for you.” He explained, gesturing for the nurse to approach. She handed Tora a bag full of dirty bloody clothes before pressing his ring and Poppy’s earrings into his hand. His fingers clenched around them as he stared at the ceiling, fighting off the tears threatening to fall from his eyes. He would give anything to trade places with her right now. To right the wrong that was happening to her.

He took a shaky breath; she was coming back to him. She had to. He was just holding onto the ring for safe keeping. She’d have it back around her neck in no time. There was no way he was accepting it back. She was supposed to wear it for the rest of her life. She had a lot left. For fuck’s sake the woman was only twenty seven. That wasn’t long enough. He’d only gotten six years with her. He needed more. So much more. Six years wasn’t long at all, yet, in that time she’d become his whole fucking world. How the fuck had she gone from being ‘some girl’ to being his _whole_ fucking world? “She will be okay, the doctors are very good here. Very good chance she will be okay.” Alberto attempted to console the very obviously heartbroken, angry man beside him. He patted his shoulder before retracting his hand to fold his arms and sit back in his seat, preparing for the long wait ahead of them.

Tora watched the clock, growing increasingly worried as the minutes and then hours ticked by. Around the two and a half hour mark he was ready to puke. He wanted someone to put a bullet in his brain and end his god damn suffering. They had said thirty to forty-five minutes. How the fuck did he go home without her? How the fuck did he face her fucking family? Her Granny? Her friends? Fuck. He couldn’t. He’d murdered his wife. He’d killed Poppy. He choked on his own sob. Forcing it down. His training taking over as he retreated within himself. First things first. He needed to figure out how to get a body home. Nope. Couldn’t do it. He wasn’t strong enough. Not when that body was _hers_. Fuck. He buried his face in his hands, their ring resting safely in his pocket. He needed to do something. He couldn’t sit here any longer. He scrubbed his hands over his face, turning to look at Alberto when he tapped him in the arm. “My friend, look,” he said pointing, as a doctor in scrubs was making his way down the hallway towards him, “it is your wife’s doctor.” Tora braced himself, planting his feet firmly against the floor. He listened as Alberto and the doctor spoke back and forth. Alberto turned to face him with a grin, “he says it went well. She is awake and you can see her now.” He explained.

Tora stared at him wide eyed, trying to remember how to breathe. She was alive. She was awake. Oh thank god. Oh holy Jesus fucking Christ, his heart stained painfully in his chest, reminding him it was still in there beating. She was alive, he was alive, they were going to get more time together. He followed Alberto and the doctor down a maze of halls, absentmindedly dragging her ridiculous amount of luggage behind him. He entered a hospital room, dropping the bags to run to her side. He grabbed hold of her hand, looking down at her. They’d drugged her, _heavily_. Her eyes were glassy and disoriented. She wasn’t even seeing him. “Poppylan, I’m here sweetheart, I’m right here,” he told her gruffly, no longer able to fight the tears falling on her from his eyes.

“I’m cold,” she chattered, “please stop, don’t touch me, it hurts. It hurts so much, please, you’re hurting me. Please I’m so cold, please don’t touch me.” She muttered incoherently as she cried, not registering his presence at all.

He glanced down at her, recognizing her naked state for the first time, she was in a green mesh see through garment. “Could someone get her a fucking blanket?” he growled. A nurse appeared a moment later with a blanket in hand. He covered her with it, tugging it around her gently. He took her hand again, brushing the hair back and away from her face, a strand or two stuck to her cheeks due to her tears. “Is that better sweetheart? Are you still cold?” He asked softly, tenderly.

“It hurts, I’m so cold, please stop, it hurts, so much pain,” she murmured in a drug induced dazed as tears continued to leak from her eyes. He frowned as an unpleasant thought crept over him. Had they messed up the anesthesia? Had she been fucking _awake_ when they gutted her? Had she fucking _felt_ it? He wanted to throw up again. Oh god, his poor little Poppy. He turned to glare at her doctor over his shoulder. He and Alberto were conversing again.

Alberto met his angry gaze, “he says anesthesia is like a pause button on the brain, whatever she was feeling before she went into surgery she is still feeling now. Usually they tell patients to think happy thoughts before they go under so this doesn’t happen but there was no time and no one with enough English to comfort her. She will be okay once the drugs wear off some more.” He explained.

Tora closed his eyes in relief before looking back down at her. She was alive and she was going to be okay. He repeated the thought over and over in his head until he started to actually believe it. He sighed heavily. They were going to get through this. _Together_. He pulled up a chair and sat down next to her, caressing the back of her hand with his thumb. He was going to sit here until she recognized him. “You should call your family and let them know she is okay,” Alberto suggested from somewhere behind him, “and then unfortunately, they need more paperwork from you.” He added regretfully.

Tora nodded without looking away from her, “I will. Thanks,” he said, all the while his eyes firmly fixed on her pained face. “Come back to me sweetheart, I’m right here. You don’t have to be scared anymore. I’m right here.” He told her reassuringly, squeezing her hand softly. He reached into his pocket pulling out his ring. He cradled her head in his palm as he thread the necklace behind her neck, his thick fingers fumbling as he reattached the chain on her chest. He sighed in relief as he settled back into his seat, his gaze fixed on the ring around her neck. The world around him still felt off but at least he’d managed to right one small wrong.

~ ~ ~

Granny gripped the arms of her chair, faltering back and forth between crying and gazing at the wall in a detached stupor as Earnest her cat circled her feet, brushing against her, purring softly, trying to lend what comfort he could. When her phone rang she jumped. She picked up before it could ring again. “Tell me,” she breathed.

Tora pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes, “she’s alive, awake, surgery went well, she’d still pretty fucked up on – sorry,” he paused, remembering how many times Poppy had berated him for his language around her grandmother, “messed up on the drugs they gave her.” He explained.

Granny breathed deeply as relief washed over her. She was okay. She was alive. Oh thank God. “Can I speak to her?” she pleaded.

Tora glanced at Poppy, she’d come out of it a little but the woman was still not making much sense. “Yeah of course, I’mma warn ya though, she’s uh, not really, um, coherent.” He explained awkwardly.

Granny smiled softly to herself, “just put her on Tora,” she waited a long moment, fresh tears springing to her eyes when she heard the croaking voice of her granddaughter saying her name in greeting. “Hey baby girl, I love you so much. I’m so proud of you. Tora told me you were so strong. You must be in so much pain sweetie. I love you, I love you, I love you and I can’t wait for you to come home.” She held her breath as she waited for a response.

Poppy licked her lips, her mouth felt dry and her mind was swimming through molasses. She was still processing the words. She looked up at Tora, he looked concerned, “no worrying.” She replied. Her grandmother said something else to her and then Tora took the phone away.

“Like I said, she’s pretty stoned. I’ll call you again tomorrow. Hopefully she’ll be better by then.” He suggested.

Granny nodded against the phone at her ear before she realized she was being foolish and he couldn’t see her, “yes. Please stay in touch and keep me updated. Thank you Tora.”

“ ‘course.” Came his gruff reply before the line went dead.

~ ~ ~

Sophia watched the large man out of the corner of her eye as she checked the small foreign woman’s vitals and gave her a fresh dose of morphine so that when she woke up she wouldn’t be in too much pain. He hadn’t left her side for even a moment since the small brunette had come out of surgery. It was touching. She wished she had a man in her life that would sit vigil like that for her. She felt bad about what she needed to tell him. “Non puoi restare. Gli orari di vista sono finit.” She said softly. The man held up one thick finger at her in the universal gesture for ‘one moment’, before pulling his cellphone from his pocket. He spoke into it before the phone spoke back to her in Italian, “can you type what you said in here for me? I don’t speak Italian.” Sophia nodded and accepted the phone, typing in that she was sorry but he needed to go to a hotel as visiting hours were over but she would take good care of his wife for him.

Tora accepted the phone back and hit translate; he glared at the message as it appeared for him in English. He looked up at her, steel in his eyes. “No.” He wasn’t going anywhere, like hell he was leaving her. They’d have to drag his dead corpse out first. He typed a message into his phone and hit translate for the nurse, handing it back to her.

_I’m not leaving. I’m going to sit right here until she wakes up. I do not want her to wake up alone. She can’t be alone._

Sophia bit her lip pensively, clutching the phone in her hand. She typed a quick message back to him, hitting translate before she handed it back to him and left. Tora looked down at text before slipping the phone back in his pocket, taking hold of Poppy’s hand once again. She looked peaceful. He brought her fingers to his mouth, kissing them lightly. 

_Tell the other nurses the surgeon gave you permission to stay if they ask._


	3. When A Heart Breaks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, nothing for Requests tonight, maybe tomorrow. This chapter kicked my butt. Took me two days to write. Had to keep taking breaks. 
> 
> Songs:  
> Broken by Seether Amy Lee  
> When a Heart Breaks by Ben Rector

** JULY 28 **

The world came back to Poppy slowly; her eyes were dry and sore from crying, her eyelids heavy as she opened them. Tora’s hand was on hers, his face the first thing she saw as her mind swam, finally breaking the surface of clear consciousness. “Hey sleeping beauty,” he murmured softly, “I’ve been waiting for ya. How ya feeling?” he asked quietly.

Poppy opened her mouth to answer him but couldn’t, her tongue felt thick and was taking up too much space in her mouth. She drew in a shaky breath, the rise and fall of her belly bringing stark and sharp attention to the pain radiating from her abdomen. Jesus. What had they done to her? She still felt weak, “I’m alive?” she croaked, blinking up at him, she lifted her free hand to rub an eye but promptly put it back down when she felt the needle embedded in the crook of her elbow.

Tora frowned, “ya sweetheart, you’re still with me. I’m not letting ya go anywhere on me.” He replied firmly. She wasn’t sure if he was actually talking to her or himself. She felt him squeeze her hand as he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Oh good, you are awake,” Alberto commented cheerily as he walked into her hospital room, “good morning Poppy, your doctor wants to talk to you. Un minuto.” He said, ducking out of the doorway only to reappear a moment later with a blonde woman she didn’t remember seeing before.

“Hello Poppy, I am the doctor overseeing the maternity ward; you’ve been put under my care. Yesterday you suffered an ectopic pregnancy. I am so sorry for your loss. You are very lucky you sought help when you did. You lost a lot of blood. I am sorry for what you’ve been through. Alberto tells me the nurses said they had to be rough with you. It is necessary when patients are in…” she paused a moment and said something to Alberto in Italian.

“Crises of death,” he translated before she continued, “Did anyone tell you what they did?” she asked. Poppy shook her head no; she nodded and continued, “They removed your right fallopian tube. The pregnancy was very close to your uterus so you still have your ovary; this is good as they regulate your hormones. You had laparoscopic surgery, you have four small incisions. Here,” she said pressing against her own abdomen right above her hips and then in the centre of her pelvis above the bone and then finally pressed her own belly button. “You are in pain yes?” Poppy nodded again, “yes, well, the drugs will help. You’re due for a new bag,” she said gesturing at the plastic bag hanging from a rolling hook connected to her IV. “It will hurt very much but you should try to move today. Sit up. Stand. Walk if you are able. You must eat. You lost too much blood.”

Poppy’s head swam as she tried to process the information, “why are my shoulders still sore?” she asked.

The doctor turned and spoke to Alberto in Italian again before he replied, “Trauma, lasting pain, will hurt for a while still. Will ease with time.” He translated as she spoke.

The doctor nodded and then turned a smile on her. “I will have someone come and remove your catheter. You will go to the washroom by yourself today,” she explained.

Poppy’s eyes widened. Jesus. She hadn’t even felt that.

~ ~ ~

“Bobby eat the damn hospital food.” Tora instructed a few hours later, holding the soggy piece of potato out towards her mouth. She turned up her nose at it again. “Damn it Poppylan, eat the fucking food. You heard the doctor, ya need the iron.” He spat with increasing frustration, fucking stubborn ass woman. She was just picking at her plate, barely consuming anything when he’d decided to shovel it for her.

Poppy wrinkled her nose further, “it’s gross Tora. I don’t wanna.” She pouted, “Plus I feel nauseous and I’m scared of throwing up. Sitting up like this is hard enough, I can only imagine how much heaving will hurt, I don’t want to gag.” She expelled her litany of excuses.

He narrowed his brows at her, “you don’t have a fucking gag reflex,” he challenged.

She glared back for a moment before bursting into a giggle, her hand hovering over her abdomen, “Ohh ouch, Tora don’t make me laugh, it hurts.” She scolded.

He was still glaring at her, “Don’t fucking lie to me Bobby. I know it tastes like shit. It looks like shit. I’m still gonna make ya eat it.” When she gazed up with pain filled eyes he relented slightly, “Fine. Three more bites. Please? For me?” He pleaded. She smiled and nodded, opening her mouth; he rolled his eyes as he fed her. She looked so much better already, she was still too pale but he’d brushed her hair and dressed her this morning in a light pair of pj shorts and a spaghetti string top and she was sitting up. He’d felt like an asshole when he’d helped her do that. She’d breathed through the pain like a champ but he knew the movement had hurt her. She was supposed to try to walk after lunch. He wasn’t looking forward to that either. Seeing her hurting was crushing his heart, he wished like hell he could endure it for her. He was glad she seemed to be okay mentally thus far. They hadn’t talked about it and she had been her usual optimistic, happy self this morning, taking every challenge head on. He was proud of her. He’d been a little concerned when the nurses had had so much trouble taking her blood for testing, they’d had to stab her four times looking for an adequate vein due to her blood pressure still being too low. She’d just smiled at his frown and assured him she was feeling better by the minute. He knew she was lying but knowing she had enough energy to act was reassuring in itself. He set the tray aside, “Okay sweetheart, ya ready?” He asked, climbing to his feet.

Poppy nodded, she breathed deeply, letting out the air slowly between her teeth, plastering on a smile for him, “you bet baby,” she assured him. The sooner she was back on her feet the sooner they could get back to their trip. She refused to think about the baby. She couldn’t. It was too painful. She’d deal with that once they got home. She was determined to salvage what was left of this vacation if it killed her. They were supposed to be in Salerno today, strolling through the most picturesque town in all of Italy, not sitting in this damn hospital room. She was determined to show him she was just as tough as he was and would be just fine. The doctors had told her she had to stay overnight again this evening but if she showed enough progress they would release her tomorrow. She was getting out of here as soon as possible. End of story. She would do anything and everything they told her to, well, with the exception of eating gross soggy food. She really was terrified of throwing up. Speaking of which, her stomach rolled violently from the pain as Tora helped her swing her legs over the edge of the bed. She took three deep breaths, fighting off the nausea before she nodded at him, allowing him to pull her slowly to her feet. She was vertical again. She felt heavy on her own feet. It hurt, a lot, but it was manageable. She could do this. She _would_ do this. She took hold of her IV drip to steady herself and took a small step forward. Pain. Lots of pain. She took another. More pain. She felt like Hans Christian Anderson’s Little Mermaid. Every step was pain but, she smiled as she looked up at Tora who was smiling back at her. He was worth it.

Tora nodded once to himself, satisfied she was somewhat mobile again and not in imminent peril. “Alright sweetheart, I’m starving. I haven’t eaten since breakfast yesterday. Is it okay if I go get myself some food? I’ll come right back.” He assured her, ushering her back to the bed.

Poppy perked up at that, he was leaving? Finally. She’d been thinking about those damn waffles, securely tucked away in the black backpack on the other bed in the room all day. She needed a sugar fix desperately. Sugar made everything better. She allowed him to settle her back into bed. “Of course Tora, go. I’ll be right here.” She replied sweetly, thinking it wasn’t really a lie. She’d still be in the room but to hell with staying in this bed when she could have a dopamine fix if she could manage the ten feet between her and her awaiting prey.

Tora narrowed his gaze at her. She’d been reluctant to be left alone since the moment she’d woken up. Shooting apprehensive looks at him for even stepping out to talk to Alberto or seek a nurse or call the insurance company. She was too eager to have him leave. He couldn’t figure out why though. “Okay Bobby, I love ya, be back in a few,” he said, pressing a kiss to her forehead. He was down the elevator and halfway to the cafeteria before he remembered the waffles. She wouldn’t. Oh but she would. Her sweet tooth hounded her worse than his own need for violence. He was being stupid. She was stubborn but she wasn’t that foolish, right? She could slip and strain her wounds, or fall or…fuck. He turned around punching the button for the elevator. She wouldn’t. He was being ridiculous. He’d just tell her he forgot his wallet in the bag and then take it with him. She _wouldn’t_ right?

The minute Tora left, Poppy flung the blankets off her legs, groaning as she swung her legs off the bed. Damn Tora and his long legs, he’d already be on the other side of the room. She squirmed, edging herself to the side of the bed before extending her toe towards the floor, slowly lowering her weight onto the ball of her foot. That’s it girl, you got this, she told herself as she pulled herself to her feet. Stopping to breathe deeply for a moment, her hand wrapped around the IV pole. Okay. Ten steps. One, two…three, four…she continued, shuffling her feet, breathing through the pain. When she reached the bag she could have cried with joy. She unzipped the front pocket, thanking herself for storing them right up front, making it easy on her. Pulling one out she fumbled with the wrapper for a moment before squeaking with joy when it tore open, raising it to her lips. The first bite was bliss. A life raft in a sea of pain. She took a second bite. Delicious. Easily the best thing she’d tasted in days. She took small steps as she ate, moving towards the window. She finally had the opportunity to see the world around her again. She wondered if she’d be able to see the ocean? Were they very far inland? She had no real concept of how far the ambulance had travelled. Water in the distance. So they were still near the coast then.

Tora marched quickly down the corridor, past the nurses station, through the doorway of her room, her silhouette illuminated by the light of the window, she turned, a fucking waffle in her mouth. “You bitch.” He hissed. He stalked towards her, hands balled into fists. He reached towards her face, ripping the waffle from her, the bit still buried in her mouth tearing off as she clamped her teeth down on it. She smiled and laughed around her mouthful. His ire amusing to her. How fucking dare she? Did she have any idea what she’d just put him through yesterday? The doctors had given her fucking food and she’d refused to eat it! She’d planned this! Shooed him away! He was furious, “You’re never eating another fucking waffle for as long as you fucking live! NEVER AGAIN Poppylan!!” He thundered. 

Poppy gasped between roars of laughter, his face, oh god his face. He was spewing the most ridiculous nonsense she’d ever heard. Oh god the pain! “Please Tora,” she begged between giggles, “stop, please stop,” she continued to gasp around her laughter, “it hurts!” she beseeched as he continued his tirade about her sugar addiction and all the things she would supposedly never taste again.

“Best get used to fucking soggy fucking potatoes! And good! Good! I’m glad it hurts! Maybe you’ll think about the fucking pain before you ever do something so fucking stupid again!” He declared, marching over to the garbage can before whipping what was left of the waffle into it.

Poppy frowned; she’d been hoping to finish that. She howled with laughter when he suddenly thought better of it, fished it out and disappeared down the hall with it. She meandered over the doorway, laughing harder when she watched him dispose of it in the garbage just outside the maternity wing doors. Just beyond where she had been told she could wander once on her feet. Ha! He couldn’t possibly think she’d eat something out of the trash. Oh he was _too funny_ she thought as he stalked back to her. “Get in bed. Now.” He ordered, grabbing hold of her elbow, directing her gently back into the room.

She smirked, biting her lip to keep from laughing again, “Ya know Tora, I just had surgery, I don’t think I’m up for that yet,” she told him jovially. His death stare killed her mood. Oh shit. He was actually really mad. She stared down at her feet, blushing in shame slightly. Well, _she’d_ thought his reaction to the waffle had been funny. She could use a little laughter. It made her forget about the pain for a moment.

Tora didn’t dignify her joke with a response. It was going to be fucking _weeks_ before he’d be able to bring himself to touch her like that again. Maybe even _months_. He was really feeling fucked up about all this. He knew it was insane to blame himself for this but he couldn’t help it. His logic was frightfully simple. No semen. No baby. No baby and none of this would have happened. Did she really not realize how close she’d come to dying? He was under no such fucking delusions. He knew he’d almost lost her. Another few hours and she would have bled out on him. Her capris had been sopping with blood when he’d tried to wash them out in a sink this morning. Watching the red run off them and down the drain had had him turning white. He was taking her home, back to Narin, and he was going to fucking chain her to the bed and force feed her iron rich foods only until she was fully recovered. Her feelings on that be damned. She obviously didn’t take her own fucking health seriously.

His brows were still furrowed in fury as he tucked her back into bed. Her fingers reached for his face, smoothing out the anger lines with the tips of her little digits. “I’m sorry Tora, please don’t be angry with me,” she cooed softly too him. He caught her hand in his, flattening it against his cheek under his, nuzzling it as he closed his eyes.

He sighed, “ya scared the shit outta me Bobby,” the fight left him as his shoulders sagged, “I need ya Bobby. I…I can’t lose you.” He murmured.

Poppy frowned, “Tora,” she used her free hand to tilt his face back towards her, staring deep into his eyes. “Tora, you don’t need me. You _want_ me. Don’t you ever say that again. If something ever happened to me, your life goes on. End of story. This is not Romeo and Juliet, this is real life. If I’d actually died yesterday and you spent the rest of your life mourning me feeling sorry for yourself my ghost would come back and kick your moppy ass.” She scolded him resolutely.

Tora fought off tears, “Bobby,” he gasped.

She pasted on her scary face so he’d know how serious she was, “No Tora, you’ve told me the same thing I don’t know how many times. There’s no double standard on this one tough guy. I lost my Dad. That was really, really hard, but life moves on and so do you. You don’t live _for_ someone, you live _with_ them. Dad always said, life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. Swear to me right now Tora. If something happens to me you _will_ move on. Well,” she relented, “eventually, after an appropriate mourning period. No jumping into bed with other women right away.” She explained firmly.

He smiled weakly at her. She was right, he had told her many times that if something happened to him she wasn’t allowed to be lonely and mourn him forever. She was wrong though. There _was_ a double standard; in his opinion anyways. He was never supposed to get lucky enough to have her in his life, he highly doubted he’d ever find a woman like her again who’d accept him and stick by him the way she had. He wasn’t sure he’d want to anyways. Her Granny had never remarried after she’d lost her husband. There was nothing wrong with that. When Poppy had asked her about it once, she’d said that no one had ever measured up and if a man wasn’t gonna treat her as well as her late husband had, she’d rather be alone. He felt the same. No one could ever replace his Bobby. “Whatever ya say woman.” He placated her, hoping she wouldn’t pick up on the fact he had made no such oath to her.

Poppy smiled, caressing his cheek, his carefully chosen words lost on the usually very astute woman due to the pain killers clouding her brain functions. “Good, I love you,” she assured him.

He grinned back at her, relieved she wasn’t going after the dead horse with a stick anymore, “I love you more,” he promised.

She squeezed his hand as she pulled it away from his face, “I love you most,” she finished as she beamed at him.

~ ~ ~

Tora dragged his feet and two of their bags behind him, cursing the cobblestones making the treck that much harder. How could this get any fucking worse? He thought as the bags bumped and twisted over the uneven road. He had his answer a moment later when the heavens unleashed a torrent of rain pissing down on him. Well fuck his life eh?

He was drenched by the time he arrived at the hotel Alberto had arranged for him, a five kilometre walk from the hospital. He checked in, making his way down a dank hallway before unlocking his room. He locked the door behind him, less out of paranoia and more out of habit before moving robotically to the foot of one of the beds. He sat on the edge of it, his elbows resting on his thighs as he hunched forward to stare at the wall before him, rain droplets dripping off him and onto the floor. He’d put up an argument when the nursing staff had informed them he couldn’t stay the night with her. He’d left only at her insistence that she would be fine without him. He still didn’t like it but the nursing staff had been extremely kind and coddling of her. He’d made sure to bring the backpack with him, no more waffles for her. Kissing her goodbye had been one of the hardest things he’d ever done in his life. He couldn’t help but feel like he’d abandoned her just now. He was alone again. Waiting for dawn this time so he could return to her. He pictured himself in that waiting room again, staring at the clock. Convinced she was gone. Dead. Beyond his grasp. He buried his face in his hands, squeezing his eyes closed, fighting off his crashing and ebbing emotions until he couldn’t anymore. It was then that he cried. Truly wept. All his anger, all his pain, all his _fear_ soaking the floor between his feet. His tears mingling with the rain water. He had never really considered his vows before. In sickness and in health taking on a whole new meaning for him now.

~ ~ ~

Poppy awoke in the middle of the night to the sound of a baby crying. She listened for a moment, the sound doing things to her heart and her mind. It didn’t stop. Surely a nurse could hear it? Would comfort it? The crying continued as tears welled in her eyes. She was staring at the ceiling again, another off white colour, smooth this time. She didn’t have the strength to sit up on her own, not from flat on her back. She couldn’t go to the baby. Her meds had worn off before she woke up. Her morphine drip was empty. Her abdomen screamed at her, crippling her. She cried harder, water pooling in her ears, making her feel like she was underwater, drowning in her own pain. From somewhere down the hall she heard another babe wailing. Who had left her here? Who had thought it was a good idea to store her in the maternity wing? The tears came faster now, soaking her pillow. She was blinded by pain. It flashed white hot behind her screwed tight shut eyes. She wasn’t sure what was worse right now. The pain in her belly or the pain in her heart. Maybe even the sting in both her elbows? She was light headed. Why wasn’t anybody getting the babies? They were crying for her. She had to go to them. Didn’t she? She could feel the tears on the back of her neck now. She stared at the ceiling, listening to them wail. This was hell. She was in hell.

Sofia wandered into the foreign woman’s room. Poppy. It was a strange name. Her intimidating husband was nowhere to be found. She frowned; sure the head nurse had made him go away. She doubted he would have left of his own accord after the way he’d glared at her yesterday. She sighed heavily as she gazed down at the crying woman. Poppy wasn’t seeing her, her eyes glazed over with tears and agony. Sofia grabbed a tissue and dabbed at her face gently, “pain?” she asked, calling upon her limited English skills.

“Baby,” Poppy gasped, registering the nurse for the first time at the sound of her voice.

Sofia nodded sadly, “young, healthy, baby at future,” she consoled, doing her best to comfort the young woman. From what she understood the woman still had a fallopian tube and both ovaries. The chances were still good she would deliver a healthy baby one day. Her heart went out to the foreign woman though. She’d seen many ectopics but she couldn’t imagine how hard it must be on her without her family, with the language barrier. Poor, poor, Poppy. She brushed her cheek. “Sad now,” she said softly, hoping she was translating right. “Future happy,” she promised as she switched out her morphine drip, giving her a new one.

Poppy gasped, trying to get a hold of herself, “No. The babies. They’re crying.” She bit out around her pain; trying to make the woman understand the real source of her upset.

Sofia nodded, “colica,” she supplied by way of explanation. She didn’t know that word in English. She hoped it was similar enough for the young woman to understand. They were doing their best but the babe would most likely cry all night. “Sleep,” she said, patting Poppy’s forearm, “no pain soon,” she promised as she moved towards the door.

Poppy lay awake the rest of the night, staring at the off white smooth ceiling, her ears drowning in her tears, but never enough to block out the sound of the baby. She had her answer now that the morphine had kicked in. The pain in her heart was a thousand times worse than her physical agony.

** July 29th **

“-The fuck ya mean I can’t take her home?” Tora growled into the phone. He’d had just about enough of the fucking insurance company.

“I’m sorry sir but based on the information you’ve forwarded us from the hospital your wife’s blood levels are not sufficient for that length of flight. She’s too at risk of medical complications for us to clear that kind of travel. There’s nothing I can do. If you board a plane for Narin within the next four days we will be unable to cover you due to breach of contract.” The insurance agent informed him regretfully.

“The hospital says she can’t stay! That’s she’s ready to be released!” He roared, “Where the fuck am I supposed to take her if she can’t fly?” He thundered.

The insurance agent forgave his strong language, empathizing with their rather difficult situation, “it is our medical team’s opinion that you return to your cruise sir and that should give your wife’s hemoglobin sufficient time to recover enough to return to Narin on your originally scheduled date, though they suggest having her bloodwork taken again in Athens before you head back.” He suggested calmly.

Tora fought the urge to whip his phone at the wall. Instead he took a deep breath, holding it for a moment as he glared at the ceiling before pointing out what he would have thought would have been fucking obvious. “We’re in Italy. The ship is at sea and in fucking Kotor, Montenagro tomorrow. How the fuck is she supposed to get back to the ship without flying?” he growled.

“Our doctors believe based on her charts that she would be safe to fly for no more than two hours. If you take a flight from Rome to Corfu and catch the ship there on the 31st we would cover your incurred travel costs. There is no way they will green flag a ten hour flight though sir. It is too risky for your wife. We apologize, but this is the best course of action according to our medical team.” He explained.

Tora plopped down heavily on the bed across from Poppy’s. His phone was on speaker, she was hearing every word of this. The small smile on her lips was testing his blood pressure. The evil little hamster wanted to continue the trip. She’d made that abundantly clear the other day before he’d left for the hotel. He’d told her there was no chance in hell that was happening and he was taking her home and putting her on bed rest as soon as she was discharged. The fact the insurance company was claiming she could suffer a blood clot which could kill her if he took her home right now was fucking happy news in her trauma twisted mind. The crazy woman was going to get her wish. Fuck. He wanted to throw his phone again. “Fine.” Tora barked into the phone before listening to everything he had to do in order to make this happen.

~ ~ ~

Poppy raised her arms slowly, cursing her shoulders for still being in pain as Tora helped her slip off her top. He crouched, peeling her shorts away from her body gently, careful of her incision sights. The sight of her bandages making his heart clench. “Ready?” he asked softly, gazing up at her. Poppy nodded, her face pinched, braced for the pain. He reached for the mesh underwear the hospital had given her, stripping it away from her skin, the pad that was more like a diaper coming off with it. Tora fought to keep his eyes off the amount of blood on the cotton; the sight of it upsetting him on a primitive level. He handed her one of the towels one of the nurses had given them when she’d pointed them in the direction of the shower. He exhaled a shaky breath and stripped out of his own shirt before snaking his hand out to grab the small plastic stool they’d also supplied them with. He stood, helping her lower her naked body onto the stool as she hissed in pain, holding the towel against her wounds. He grabbed the nozzle shower head and pointed it towards a corner, turning it on, sticking his hand under it until the water was lukewarm. He started at her feet, running the water over her gently as he scrubbed her skin with a bar of soap in the other hand. The faint blood stains on her skin from where the nurses had quickly wiped her down had him swallowing thickly. When he reached her knees she reluctantly spread them for him, hissing as the movement put strain on her stiches. “Sorry,” he whispered as he had to apply more pressure to her inner thighs to get them clean.

She smiled weakly at him, “it’s okay, I just appreciate you doing this for me,” she told him sweetly, “I don’t think I could do it on my own without getting my bandages wet,” she added.

Tora’s brows narrowed. Why did people keep saying shit like that to him? All the nurses had done since he’d gotten there was tell him what an amazing and wonderful husband he was. He felt like shit. Looking after her was the least he could do. Bathing her himself had never been a question. When a nurse had offered to do it for him he had refused. He was going to have to do this for her until she was healed, he might as well start now. Besides, he still felt responsible for all this, wiping her body free of the traces of her hardship was his cross to bare, no matter how sick it made him to his stomach. “I’m your husband,” he growled, as if that directly implied he had to be good to her.

Poppy smirked. She knew what a gem of a man she had. There were lots of men out there that wouldn’t do this for their partners and would have jumped at the nurse’s offer. Would have left that first night. Would have let her refuse to eat her hospital food. Would be out exploring the town instead of sitting with her every minute of the day at her bedside. She knew because Alberto had told her. Tora’s dedication and steadfast care was apparently unusual. Alberto had laughed when she’d asked about his fasting, assuring her the man hadn’t even stopped to drink water offered to him until she was able to quench her own thirst. She found that a little excessive but she would admit she probably wouldn’t have been able to stomach anything if their roles had been reversed. “I love you,” she told him, her eyes brimming with emotion as he wiped her as gently as he could between her legs with a damp cloth.

“I love you more,” he replied automatically as he moved the spray around to her back, doing his best to keep the water away from her sides. She stank of blood and sweat. He was glad she’d packed her own shampoo and conditioner now. He couldn’t wait for her to smell like herself again. Like orchids and vanilla. Her bottom was coated in dried blood. He’d get that last.

Poppy sighed as he set the spray aside and gently worked the tie out of her hair, letting it fall around her shoulders. “I love you most,” she whispered as he pulled her hair off her shoulders and into one big hand, wetting it, encouraging her to lean back as much as she could manage. He cupped his hand along her forehead, careful to keep the water out of her eyes. He set the showerhead aside, squirting out some of the scented shampoo before working it into her sweat and tear drenched hair. She hadn’t told him about her night. His eyes had been swollen when he’d returned to her this morning. She didn’t ask but she assumed the night apart had been hard on him as well. She’d had a slight panic attack this morning when he’d returned fifteen minutes later than he’d promised. They’d been the longest fifteen minutes of her life when she’d realized she had no idea where they’d sent him, her brain conjuring awful images of something happening to him. She almost had herself convinced he was somewhere in the hospital lying in his own bed having been stabbed or hit by a car when he’d wandered in through the doorway. She’d cried when she’d seen him. Now she just felt foolish for her over active imagination. If there was one thing she knew about her husband, it was that the man could handle himself. She sighed, closing her eyes as he rinsed her hair and repeated the wash, getting all the grit out. She appreciated his thoroughness. She felt disgusting. She smelled revolting. She was a little surprised he could stand it. If she had ever wondered if he really loved her, she knew it now. He rinsed her again and worked in her conditioner. “Think maybe I could get you to shave my legs too?” she joked.

Tora’s mouth was a flat line. He could do that right? It couldn’t be that much different from shaving his own face right? He’d watched her do it a thousand times when they’d showered together over the years. He didn’t want to nick her though. He couldn’t be responsible for anymore of her bloodletting. “I will if ya want me too,” he replied stonily as he rinsed out the conditioner, running his thick fingers through her wet hair.

Poppy fought off tears again, she was so damn lucky. This man had no idea how wonderful he was. “It would make me feel a little less gross,” she responded seriously, feeling a little guilty for asking him in the first place.

“Okay Bobby,” was his only reply as he helped her to her feet. He encouraged her to lean forward so he could wash her chest, pressing another towel over her waist, “hold that with the other hand,” he instructed her as he cleaned her, ensuring there was another barrier between her wounds and the water. He’d never handled her chest so indifferently before, there was tenderness in what he was doing but nothing even remotely sexual. “Turn around for me sweetheart,” he said with a firm hand on her shoulder, gently twisting her so he could clean her bottom. Once she was spotless he helped lower her back to the stool after he rinsed it off. She smelled better now. She _felt_ better now. As if she had been given back a small slice of her dignity. He left the room, returning a moment later with her razor. “How do I…?” he asked awkwardly, trailing off.

Poppy smiled at him encouragingly, “wet it, there are special strips on it so I don’t need shaving cream, start at my ankle and move up towards my knee, you don’t need to do my thighs,” she told him, not sure if she could stand for long enough for him to do her whole leg. He nodded, following her instruction. Poppy watched on, moved by the tender act. It was weird. They were a rather adventurous couple when it came to sex, there wasn’t much they hadn’t tried or done with each other, yet this act of love was without a doubt the most intimate she had ever felt with him before. She hadn’t realized she was crying again until he looked up at her in alarm.

“Am I doing it wrong? Did I hurt ya?” He whispered harshly, the words echoing off the tiled walls of the open shower.

She shook her head ‘no’, “I just love you so much and I’m so grateful for you Tora. I don’t know what I did to deserve you.” She gushed; surprised she had any tears left to cry after the sea she’d unleashed last night.

He dipped his head, kissing the top of her knee, “don’t be silly. You deserve much better than me.” He countered, returning to scrapping her skin of hair.

Poppy cocked her head at him, for someone with an ego as big as his; he sure was humble when it came to their relationship. She had spent years reassuring him that what he did and was capable of didn’t make him a monster. He was a violent man, there was no doubt about that but he loved so tenderly that side of him had stopped mattering to her years ago. She didn’t bother correcting him; she didn’t want to argue about his self-worth right now. He knew how she felt about him. “Pits too?” he asked as he finished the remaining leg.

She thought about it for a moment, weighing being hair free against how much it was going to hurt to hold her arm aloft for him. “Yes but can you help support my arm? My shoulders are still really sore,” she explained. He just nodded and did it without a word. Yup. This was definitely love. Real love. Not the crap she read about in her romance novels. This is what ‘seeing you at your worst and still loving you’ meant. This is what ‘for better or worse’ had meant in her vows the day she’d married him. She had no doubt he’d kill for her but shaving her armpits and giving her a sponge bath when she was too weak to do it herself? Somehow that meant more.

~ ~ ~

“Okay, you’re all set, just the needle and you will be released,” Alberto told them cheerily as Poppy perched on the edge of her hospital bed in the sundress Tora had dressed her in after her bath. They’d given her another vaginal ultrasound, which had been painful to say the least and then changed her bandages for her before beginning her discharge papers. She couldn’t wait to be free. Alberto had arranged a taxi for them. The driver would take them to a pharmacy so she could get pain killers, then to Tora’s hotel to pick up the rest of their luggage and then back to the train station where they would catch a train back to Rome, stay the night in the airport and then fly to Corfu the next day, staying overnight there before boarding the ship again on the 31st.

“Why do I need the needle?” She asked apprehensively, the size of it in the nurse’s hand more than a little intimidating.

She waited as Alberto conversed with the doctor for a moment, “you are a negative blood type. This is standard procedure for woman in your situation.” He explained.

Poppy cocked her head at him, what in the world did that mean? “Sorry can you elaborate on that for me please?” she asked rather seriously.

She listened again as Alberto and the doctor traded words she didn’t understand, “you have negative blood,” he pointed at Tora, “he has positive blood, according to the paperwork he filled out.” Alberto shrugged, “your blood types are problematic for procreation. So the needle. It will help with the antibodies.” Poppy and Tora exchanged a confused gaze.

Tora recovered first, “are you saying our blood caused the ectopic? That mine can’t mix with hers?” he asked seriously.

Alberto conversed with the doctor again, “no, no, my friend. Ectopics are not caused by this. No. It is just that if the mother is negative blood and the baby is positive, which most of the population is, the mother and baby can have complications in development. It is no longer a problem. When you have children in the future Ms.Poppy will just have to get these shots a few times throughout the pregnancy. Nothing to worry about. She is just rare. Negative blood types are rarer in general. Her blood is very special; she can give to everyone but only receive from other O negatives. This is a precaution. To keep her healthy yes?” He explained.

Poppy and Tora glanced at each other, still confused. Poppy made a mental note to ask her doctor about this when they got back to Narin. “Okay,” she agreed, reaching for Tora. He helped her to her feet, letting her support herself on his arm as the nurse hiked her dress before embedding the needle in her glute. 


	4. Lying to yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update took so long. This story is a process for me. We're about halfway done. I'm really hoping to have it done by the end of next week though. Here's hoping anyways. Please let me know what you think. 
> 
> Songs:  
> Bird Song + Shake it out by Florence & the Machine  
> Lying to Yourself by Lily Moore  
> Stubborn Girl by Walter Egan

** July 31st **

Poppy moved as quickly as she could, ecstatic to finally be so close to having their vacation back on track. It had been two days of hellish travel and she was ready for things to start going her way again. When their taxi driver had dropped them off at the train station she and Tora had been horrified to realize the elevator was out of order and she would have to descend a steep flight of stairs and then climb an equally daunting flight of stairs in order to get on the platform needed to catch the train back to Rome. Tora had offered to carry her but after awkwardly letting his hands hover over her for a moment they had both decided that would be a poor decision. There was no way he could pick her up without putting strain or pressure on her abdomen, plus he needed to carry their luggage; and so, she had begrudgingly done the stairs. A man lounging against the wall at the base of them had looked on in curiosity at the freak show descending the stairs before his face turned anxious and then to complete horror as she reached the base of the stairs, silent painful tears running down her face. She’d refused to cry out, scream in pain at the unfairness of it all, but she had begged Tora to give her three full minutes of rest before she’d ascended the next flight, onlookers gawking at her.

By the time they’d arrived at their airport hotel she’d been ready to throw herself onto the mattress. Ha! She’d thought walking had been painful before. She’d had no idea. Instead of flopping like a fish the way she wanted to, she’d sat down gingerly with Tora’s assistance before stretching out on her back, wanting to sleep due to exhaustion but in too much pain to do so. She’d been on morphine in the hospital, now she was just on Italian over the counter pain killers Tora had been able to get her at the pharmacy. They weren’t working very well. Just barely taking the edge off her pain.

They’d caught the plane the next morning, sitting for so long in the same position had been hard but she’d refused to let Tora know how uncomfortable she really was. The happiness she felt at being able to continue their trip was enough to keep her spirits high. He on the other hand, had fret and fussed over her like a new born, asking her a thousand and one times if she was really okay and if she was sure she wanted to do this and that he could just get them a hotel in Rome so she could be on bed rest and then he’d buy them airline tickets home as soon as her blood levels got back to normal. She’d adamantly refused, insisting they hadn’t spent all this money or travelled this far to let a little thing like surgery stop them. He’d just thrown her a dark look at that one. She didn’t care though. He could sulk all he wanted. It was her body, her choice.

When they’d landed in Corfu a day before the ship, they’d caught a taxi to their hotel and spent the day lounging by the pool. Her in a wide brimmed sun hat and the same sundress she’d been wearing for two days, the only one that didn’t bother her incisions. She’d had a hard time fighting off her disappointment when she’d come to the realization she wasn’t going to be able to swim at all on this trip; reason one due to having to keep her wounds and bandages dry and two because a bathing suit sounded like a goddamn torture device to her at the moment. Tora had straight up refused to leave her side to go for a swim or go tour the island on his own, insisting he was perfectly content to sit at the table and smoke greek cigarettes while she read one of the books she’d packed herself. He’d only left her for a brief time while she napped in their room, in order to venture out and find them dinner. He’d returned with cheese, bread, meat, a few bottles of water and chocolate. He’d bathed her again that night in the tiny shower after eating when she’d told him she felt sweaty and gross. She’d stayed up, listening to him snore in the bed next to hers. He’d refused to sleep next to her since they’d left the hospital, too afraid he might roll on her or jostle her or grab her in his sleep and hurt her. She got up, regaining a little more of her mobility with every day that passed. She’d taken her time, assuring herself he was truly in a deep sleep. The poor man was exhausting himself with worry over her. She felt really guilty about it but she couldn’t go home yet. She just couldn’t.

She’d made her way into the bathroom and changed her ‘diaper’ calling the monstrosity a pad just seemed ridiculous to her. The doctor had informed her she would bleed heavy for the next few days but that it would slow eventually and she’d be able to go back to regular sized pads found at drugstores before it would eventually stop completely. Changing it gave her mild anxiety every time she did it, the act transporting herself back to their cabin washroom on the ship when she’d first glimpsed the amount of blood soiling her thighs and capris. She looked at herself in the mirror as she washed the blood from her hands, she held her own gaze for a moment, warring with herself, begging herself not to do it. She bit her own lip, annoyed for not being strong enough not to let herself down this way. She cried, weeping silently to herself while Tora slept in the other room. She hoped if he woke, the sound of the running water would muffle and mask her tears. She allowed herself to cry for ten minutes. That was it, that was all the time she allowed herself to grieve and feel sorry for herself before she wiped at her eyes. When she did finally come to terms with what had happened she knew it was going to be awful, for now though, she could distract herself, put it off. She hated her reflection though and was determined to avoid mirrors as often as possible. Well, large ones anyways. The most unfair thing about her surgery as far as she was concerned was the fact that she actually looked pregnant now. They had pumped her full of air for the laparoscopy and she looked about seven months pregnant. The doctors had assured her when she passed enough gas the swelling would go down but so far, no such luck. She had sighed in desolate defeat, turning off the water before returning to bed.

Now though, now she was ecstatic! They were finally boarding the ship again! Tora kept badgering her to slow down and take it easy but she couldn’t, she was practically humming with excitement. It was shattered a moment later when she was informed they were not permitted to go back to their room until after she saw Dr. Soo again but that the bell boy would be more than happy to take their luggage for them. Damn. And so, here she found herself, again, in the same damn makeshift hospital room where she’d originally been diagnosed. Tora in the corner where he’d been before, arms crossed, being his usually surly self, while they waited for the doctor. “Hello Poppy, it’s good to see you again!” Amanda greeted her a moment later, “I’m so glad you were able to rejoin us.” She stated in a tone that actually sounded rather disapproving. She fought the urge to roll her eyes, the last thing Tora needed was an ally. “Can you hop on the bed for me please so I can change your bandages and take a look at your incisions?”

Poppy eyed the bed apprehensively before shooting Tora a pleading look when he narrowed his brows at her, “actually, uh, no. I can’t,” she couldn’t stare at that ceiling again. The bed had been stripped and the sheets changed but she couldn’t bring herself to actually get in that bed again, not after what had happened in it. “I think, I’ll just sit right here if that’s alright?” she negotiated, slowly lowering herself into a waiting chair in the corner opposite Tora.

Tora watched as Amanda’s face contorted in what looked like constipation, when he realized she was about to tell Poppy she couldn’t possibly change her bandages in a chair he snapped, “take us to another room if she’s gotta be in a bed.”

Amanda paled, realizing her own lack of tact and bedside manner; of course the young woman didn’t want to be in this room. “Oh, uh, yes, of course, sorry,” she muttered, truly regretful of her own lack of thought and consideration, “follow me please.” She led them into a much smaller room, no bed or washroom in this one, just an examination table. Tora lifted Poppy under her armpits to help her up onto the table. She pulled up her own dress as she laid back allowing Amanda to inspect her. “This looks good Poppy. You’ve obviously taken great care of the bandages.” She stated sincerely. Poppy smiled warmly at Tora, crediting him wholeheartedly for that small good tiding. She winced as Amanda stripped them away. She poked at the stitches gently with a gloved hand. “This looks good too. When are you back in Narin?” she asked already prepping the new bandages.

“The fifth of august, we have a few days in Athens after we dock on the third before we head home,” Tora told her gruffly. 

Amanda nodded, “when you get home, go see your doctor immediately and have the stitches removed, blood work done and a vaginal exam. How’s your hemoglobin?” She asked.

Poppy scrunched up her face in uncertainty, “nine something? Or it was when we left the hospital? The insurance company said something about ten something being the minimum to fly home?” In truth, she’d let Tora and Alberto handle the majority of the paperwork and technicalities, she had just signed her name when they’d told her too and facetimed with Quincey, Granny, Danny and Mirabelle to keep herself distracted. They were going to have one hell of a phone bill to pay when they got home. Every time she’d complained about it though Tora had just told her to shut up about it, insisting that it was important for her to talk to their family and that he’d take care of it.

Amanda nodded again, “yes well, eat plenty of iron rich foods, did the hospital give you any iron supplements to help?” she asked, finishing up her work.

Tora grunted, “no but they said she needed them so I picked her up a bunch at a pharmacy when I got her pain killers. I’ve had her poppin’ ‘em like tictacs.” He informed her.

Amanda chuckled, “good, that’s really good. Okay. You can officially go back to your stateroom. If you get your bandages wet by accident come back and I’ll change them for you again for free. Also, I’m serious. When you get home, full works from your doctor Poppy. You’ve been through some physical trauma. When you do fly home, make sure you drink a lot of water and walk the plane at least once an hour. You’re at risks of blood clots and doing that will help reduce your risk a little. You need to keep your blood flowing.” She lectured.

Poppy nodded, making a mental note of the instructions, not that she wasn’t sure she’d hear a hundred reminders about it from Tora. She loved him desperately but his constant worry was becoming a little overbearing. “Thank you,” she told Amanda before lowering her dress, reaching for Tora to come help her off the table.

When they returned to their stateroom a dozen minutes later a small smile crept over her face. The cruise staff had left a bouquet of beautiful flowers in their room. A small note expressed their sympathy for her loss and duress while welcoming them back aboard. “Tora, look,” she caught his attention happily, pressing the card into his hand. He read it over and handed it back to her. The woman was entirely too happy considering their circumstances. He could barely stand to be back in this god damn room. He didn’t know how she was being so nonchalant as she unpacked their bags, she was in the washroom now, spreading out their toiletries. Seriously, he was worried the woman had lost part of her mind through all this; she was coping way better than he could have ever expected. Almost as though she were trying to pretend it had never happened.

He laid down on the bed and clicked on the tv, happy to have a moment to finally relax. She couldn’t hurt herself doing what she was doing…well, he hoped anyways. His wife was unusually accident prone. He picked a stupid animal planet show about obese dogs and cats and their weight loss journeys. Poppy would like it. He closed his eyes, enjoying the background noise, letting the tension leave his body for the first time in days. She was alive. She seemed more or less okay. They were finally done travelling for a few days. He’d go to the customer service desk and cancel their excursions after dinner. They’d just hang out on the ship for the next few days and then two days in Athens before he could finally take her home and get her to a real doctor. He opened his eyes when he heard her giggle. She was standing at the foot of the bed, watching a chunky cat try and fail to hop up onto a chair. Her laughter was infectious, he found himself laughing along with her; the cat did look pretty damn absurd. Fatso. How the fuck did someone let their cat get to weigh fifty pounds? She sat down gingerly on the edge of the bed next to him. “Hey Tora? I was reading the agenda pamphlets they left for us. Apparently this evening is a formal night. I was wondering if you could help me bathe again this afternoon so I can look nice and we can get a picture together tonight?” she asked.

He looked at her in confusion, “shit Bobby I was thinking we’d just hit up the buffet when we got hungry and have a movie night right here. Aren’t ya tired?” He asked seriously. He was; it was only 11am and he was fucking exhausted and he hadn’t had surgery or was in pain. Where the hell was she getting her energy from? She couldn’t be earnest about wanting to get dressed up, sit through a stuffy dinner with strangers and pose for a professional portrait. That sounded liked hell to him. 

Poppy frowned at his reticence; she’d been looking forward to this. They didn’t have many photos together. The idea of getting a formal portrait was something she was excited about; she wanted to put it up in their home when they got back. She wanted to make as many happy memories on this trip as possible. Now that the front half was tinged so darkly, her desire to do so was doubly as strong. “Please, it’s important to me,” she stated sadly, knowing if he really didn’t want to, he wouldn’t.

Tora took one look at her disappointed face and caved, “yeah ok, whatever ya want sweetheart, but I’m not wearing a damn tie.” He warned. He smirked at her when she just beamed at him and nodded her head in agreement.

~ ~ ~

Tora was furious as he stomped around the ship, trying to get the hell away from all the fucking people. He wandered into a lounge, throwing himself into a seat by a window. A waiter approached him and asked him if he wanted anything. He was half tempted to order a whiskey. Drinking wasn’t going to help anything though. He scowled and asked for a strawberry juice before fixing his gaze out the window. He’d just had a rather public, heated disagreement with his wife about how stupid and fucking stubborn she was being. When he’d informed her after lunch that he was going to go cancel their excursions she’d just glared at him and said ‘-the hell you are’ to which he’d responded ‘are ya outta ya fuckin’ mind or just still stoned?’ which had obviously been the wrong thing to respond with in hindsight. She made him so god damn crazy though. She couldn’t be fuckin’ serious. She wanted to do a three hour walking tour and hike of Mykonos and Delos in two days? He knew she was tough but fuck him if he didn’t want to chain her to their bed in the cabin and tell her she wasn’t moving till her scars healed. He’d publicly threatened to do so, garnishing many awkward and uncomfortable stares from passing guests and staff alike before Poppy had blushed in embarrassment at his outburst, grabbed him by the collar and dragged him out of the middle of the hall to whisper harshly that she was ‘a grown ass woman and would make her own damn decisions thank you _very_ much and he could just take his overbearing protectiveness and shove it right up his ass.’ He’d lost his shit at that, seething that she was ‘being an unreasonable bitch’, adding sarcastically that he was ‘so fucking _sorry_ for actually giving a shit about his fucking disagreeable _wife_ who had been on her literal _death_ bed only days ago.’

If he didn’t love her so much he’d be tempted to kill her himself and put her out of her own god damn misery in order to protect her from herself. She was going to be in so much fucking _pain_ by the time this trip was over and he didn’t know if his heart was strong enough to stand for it. She’d just waddled away from him then, still not able to walk quite properly, shouting at him not to follow her with tears in her eyes and to leave her the hell alone when he’d immediately fallen into step behind her. He’d shouted back a terse ‘fine’ and to ‘stay the fuck away from stairs and to take the elevator if she wanted to change floors,’ she’d just flipped him the bird in response, a scowl firmly planted on her beautiful angry face; before leaving him standing there alone with all those fucking eyes on him. He looked around; people were staring at him again. Fuck his life. Fuck his face. Fuck everyone. Fuck this fucking trip and fuck her for being a stubborn ass bitch.

~ ~ ~

Poppy smiled to herself as she shuffled along the promenade on the seventh floor that wrapped the ship. There were lots of smiling people around. It made her happy to see so many people enjoying themselves; it almost made her forget her own circumstances for a moment. The fact women kept smiling at her knowingly was getting harder to ignore though. She wouldn’t mind so much if she were actually pregnant but knowing it was just gas and her womb was currently an empty gory mess was doing things to her heart and her mind. She turned away from the fellow passengers and stared out at the ocean, leaning on the railing. She was being too hard on Tora. She needed to put herself in his shoes. The poor man had almost lost his wife; she could only imagine how scary that must have been for him. She knew how much he loved her. She couldn’t even bring herself to verbalize how much she needed this trip to go right though. His feelings on the whole thing be damned. She needed to put herself first right now or she was going to literally lose her mind. If she didn’t get to do the things she had planned it would be a crushing blow her back and brain wouldn’t be strong enough to brace against. She had lost her baby, _their_ baby. Horrifically. She’d almost died. In another country. Alone. Staring at a ceiling. In pain. While she bled out. _Forbidden_ from seeing her husband. She felt like she’d been raped and mugged between the vaginal ultrasound and the disrobing, not having a voice or a choice, terrified by all the foreign hands on her, her wedding ring literally pried from her cold weak fingers. She felt like she’d been stripped of her dignity, powerless to do anything to help herself, to reclaim her own humanity. Tears welled in her eyes as she glanced out at the waves, trying to fight off the panic attack rising in her throat, the icy grip taking hold of her heart. “don’t lose your shit Poppy,” she coached herself, “calm down sweetheart,” she told herself, pretending it was Tora’s deep calm commanding voice telling her that. She breathed slowly, exhaling heavily, trying her best to keep her breathing even despite being so close to having a meltdown. Her leg shaking, the only outward visible sign of her anxiety. She felt a gentle hand on her shoulder, she turned, tears in her eyes, a kind middle aged woman’s face filling her vision. “Are you going to be sick dear?” she asked, her eyes full of sympathy.

Poppy nodded, realizing that was exactly what was about to happen if she didn’t get her anxiety under control. She needed Tora. She needed his hands and his voice and his presence. Why the hell had she told him off? Her breathing became erratic. She was losing this battle with her body. It was betraying her again. “When are you due dear?” The woman asked, a warm smile planted firmly on her face, completely unaware of how badly her simple, thoughtless question had just triggered the young woman standing before her.

Poppy felt momentary rage; she was a slave to it, helpless to stop or control it. This was all so _FUCKING_ unfair. “Never! It’s dead!” she spat viciously, dissolving into tears, turning away from the horrified woman to hang her head over the railing and remind herself to breathe. She didn’t give a flying shit who was staring at her or judging her right now. She was a hot mess and so deep in her feelings she felt she was drowning in them. Screw _everyone_. A few minutes later, once she’d calmed down, the rhythm of the waves helping immensely, she felt absolutely dreadful about what she’d said. The woman had been very kind to her and was only trying to help. She couldn’t possibly have guessed her circumstances. She fought off the angry thought that it served her right and it wasn’t the woman’s place to ask in the first place and she should have minded her own beeswax. The pendulum of her chaotic emotions swung back hard in the opposite direction. That wasn’t fair. She’d probably just traumatized that poor woman. It was perfectly culturally appropriate for her to ask that question. Wasn’t that a messed up concept? She hoped desperately that no one else would ask her that the rest of their trip. If she happened to see the woman again at some point, she would apologize for her outburst. She took a few more moments to herself, breathing through her fading anxiety attack before she felt calm enough to go back inside the ship.

She had been strolling for almost ten minutes, trying to push herself to keep walking when she noticed Tora, lounging in a chair by a window in the explorers lounge. She waddled over to him, lowering herself into the chair opposite him at the small drink table. He didn’t look at her, or acknowledge her presence in anyway. “Tora,” he continued to ignore her, “Tora, baby please. I need you, don’t shut me out,” she pleaded.

He sighed and turned to look at her, she looked like shit. He reached across the table and took her hand, “I’m always here for you sweetheart, I’m just…” he paused to choose his words carefully, not wanting to set her off again, “upset that you seem to care so little about your own well-being. I love you Poppy, I don’t like watching you hurt yourself. Seeing you in pain is tearing my heart out.” He explained.

Poppy nodded, “I understand Tora, and I sympathize with you, I’d probably be mad at me too if our roles were reversed but I really need this trip. I can’t just stay in bed with my thoughts. It’s too much right now. I didn’t come halfway across the world to lay in bed. I know I’m just avoiding and putting off the inevitable but I can’t bring myself to acknowledge what we just went though. I love you so much and I know you don’t understand right now but I need you to support my decisions for the next few days.” She begged.

“No.” He told her firmly, “I can’t support you hurting yourself. I don’t trust you not to push yourself too far. You’re being too stubborn and too reckless.” He scolded.

Her brows narrowed at him dangerously, “you’re one to talk. Your body is covered in scars from being reckless,” she spat, “and don’t you dare try to feed me some bullshit about us being different. You have no idea what I can take and what I can’t. You have no idea what I’m feeling. This pain is nothing compared to what I felt before. I can handle this. If I promise to tell you when I’m hurting and take lots of breaks will you support me on this?” She studied his face; she could tell he was close to caving, “I promise I won’t keep anything from you anymore. I’ll be honest. I promise. Please baby, give me this.” She pleaded.

He caressed the back of her fingers with his thumb, the fight seeping out of him, “fine Poppy, we’ll do this your way. For now. If I say we’re done for the day though, we’re done. You’re not going back to hospital. I’m not havin’ that.” He warned. She nodded, grinning at him. “Alright, then tomorrow we’ll stay on the ship and then on the second we’ll do the Delos thing ya wanted to do so bad.”

Poppy frowned, “uh, no. We’re in Chania tomorrow. We’re supposed to take that boat trip, and eat by the harbour. Stroll along the coast, dip our feet in the Mediterranean water.” She reminded him.

He glared at his obstinate wife, he was well aware of all that. She’d only made him go over their itinerary binder a hundred times; but for Christ’s sake. She couldn’t be serious. Had she never heard of compromise? She thought that was taking it easy? Fuck, this was going to be a long trip. “Counter offer. You stay on the ship, I’ll go do whatever the fuck ya want and facetime ya the whole time so it’s like you’re doing it.” He offered hopefully. When she gave him a death glare he rolled his eyes skywards pleading for patience. Why’d she have to be so damn stubborn? He closed his eyes for a moment. “Fine. Fine. Fucking fine.” He breathed in defeat. He couldn’t fight with her anymore. He didn’t have the energy. “Ya wanna kill yourself? Fine.” He told her, dropping her hand dramatically so he could cross his arms.

Poppy giggled at his tantrum, he really was reminding her of a big baby right now. “I won’t kill myself. I’ll take it easy. I can walk. The food and the boat are all sitting anyways. Hardly strenuous. I’ll be fine love. I promise.” She stood slowly, using her arms to lift herself out of her seat before circling around to him, ducking her head to kiss him. “I love you.” she promised, desperate to hear his response. She knew how upset with her he was.

He rolled his eyes in a huff, “I love you more,” he vowed, reaching out to squeeze her hand before rising to his feet.

“I love you most,” she finished, a smile on her face as he leaned down to kiss her again, a large palm cupping her face.

~ ~ ~

Tora did his best not to gawk openly at his wife. She’d cleaned up so well he was stunned. She barely wore make up but he’d come to learn over the years she did know what she was doing when she felt like painting it on. She looked healthy and fresh faced, the paleness that had haunted her only visible when he looked down at her hands. She’d even squeezed herself into an A-lined cocktail dress that flared out enough it barely touched her bandaged abdomen. She looked great. Her eyes were bright as she nibbled on the steak he’d made her order as she listened to one of the other couples at their table regal them about the Pompeii excursion they’d missed while in the hospital. She’d taken a fast liking to the woman seated next to her, discovering they were both editors, what were the chances? They’d been chatting all evening. The husband was a gun nut so he at least had something to chat with him about. He was distracted from the conversation by Poppy though. She looked normal. Like herself. Bright, cheery…happy. She had to be in pain but she was doing a fantastic job of pretending not to feel it. She’d popped another pill before dinner. She’d even posed for their portrait like a champ. He’d wanted to punch the photographer when he’d seen her wince from being manhandled into position by him but she’d just smiled and shook her head at him, mouthing to him that she was fine. He on the other hand, was agitated as fuck. She reached under the table and pressed her hand against his bouncing thigh, stilling its movement, not bothering to look away from her new editor friend. He shook his head, enjoying the feeling of her hand on him as he tore into his meal.

~ ~ ~

Poppy breathed deeply, enjoying the open ocean air. It was beautiful up on the top deck; she could see islands in the distance. This was everything she’d dreamed of. The afternoon had been rough but this evening had been perfect. Tora wrapped his arms around her from behind, tucking his forearms under her breasts, well away from her wounds as she leaned back into his chest. He leaned down to whisper in her ear. “Are you happy?” he asked, genuinely curious.

She let a small smile creep over her face. She was at peace. Between the pills and the wine she was floating on a cloud of ‘be in the moment’, convinced that yesterday and tomorrow and earlier and later didn’t matter. “Yes. Right this moment. Yes.” She answered him honestly, closing her eyes in comfort as he pressed a kiss to her cheek and nuzzled her.

Tora rested his head on her shoulder, “I love you Poppylan.”

She smiled, they were okay. Everything was okay right now. “I love you more,” she whispered into the breeze teasing her hair.

He smiled against the skin of her neck, pressing a kiss there as well, “I love ya most.” He promised. “Come on sweetheart, time for bed.” He informed her, drawing himself back up to his full height, yet showing no signs of releasing her.

She smiled sadly, not wanting the moment to be over. It was the most peaceful she’d felt in days, “just a few more minutes, please Tora.” She whispered, leaning her head back against his big shoulder.

He smirked and kissed the top of her head, like he could ever say no to her? “Alright sweetheart. I’ll give ya, two.” He teased, not really wanting the moment to be over either. This is what the entirety of their trip should have been.

** August 1st **

Tora glanced down at his wife in mildly irritated amusement. Oh she was in pain alright. The stubborn woman had done everything she’d wanted. They’d shared a crepe at the café she’d wanted, strolled the market looking at a bunch of touristy bullshit like she’d wanted, hell they’d even taken the boat trip she’d wanted. He’d felt a little bad for her on that one. Poppy loved to swim almost as much as she liked to climb trees and the water had been amazing. So clear you could see the ocean floor. They’d anchored just off the coast after their shoreline cruise and were encouraging the passengers to go for a swim. She’d been crushed when she realized there was no way she could even dip her feet in the water due to the height of the boat. He could tell she was just itching to throw herself overboard. He’d wrapped his arm over her shoulders at one point, convinced she was about to do just that. Instead she’d just twisted her body around to follow the diver gathering fish with bread for them to watch with her eyes. He’d admit it had been pretty cool, even if they hadn’t been able to go swimming. She’d been so disappointed though that when they’d come across a small swimming area later in the day he’d helped her take off her shoes and wade into the water up to her thighs. The bright smile on her face worth the anxiety he’d felt over her potentially slipping and falling in.

Now though, now she was paying for it. She’d told him she wasn’t sure she could keep walking after their impromptu dip and had regretfully informed him she needed to return to the ship if she wanted to be able to do Delos the next day. They’d taken multiple breaks on the way back to the bus that would take them back to the ship. She was whining about the twisting movement she’d made on the boat, not realizing how badly it had strained her abdomen until now. He’d just sighed, not wanting to open his mouth as he knew any version of ‘I told ya so’ or ‘I warned ya’ would just start a fight. They were currently on the bus, her in desperate need to sit as she was having trouble standing after the long hours on her feet, every bump jarring her traumatized body. Much to her surprised terror, they were two of the youngest people on the bus and every seat was currently occupied by an elderly person. Tora contemplated asking one of them to give up their seat for his little wife but she’d just told him ‘absolutely not’ as she was horrified at the idea of having to explain why she needed it. Instead, she’d chosen to suck it up. Clutching at the handles above her head, doing her best to fight off tears as the bus jostled her. Tora placed one large hand on her waist, just below her ribcage, doing what he could to offer her some comfort.

Poppy shuddered, doing her best to fight of the pain that had plagued her since the morphine had worn off days ago. She didn’t understand why the pain medication wasn’t working. Or maybe it _was_ working and she was just in that much pain? They should do more than just take the edge off though shouldn’t they? She didn’t feel numb at all. Every bump was hell. When they got back to the ship she was taking a nap. Tora could bathe her later. She didn’t have any strength left in her to lean or stand anymore, even with him supporting the majority of her weight. Today had been worth it though. She hadn’t come halfway across the planet to lay in bed. They were making memories and she was elated about it.

~ ~ ~

Late that night Poppy pulled her exhausted body closer to his, shoving the pillow barrier he had erected between them away. She missed him. “Bobby no,” he told her, when he felt her tug on his shoulder in the dark, waking him out of a dead sleep, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

She frowned at him. All she wanted was to cuddle. She could use some human touch right now. “Please Tora, just put your arm around me? Please?” She felt close to tears. It was always worse at night, when she closed her eyes all she saw was that chip in the ceiling, feeling like she was laying back on that stretcher, thinking she was about to die. It was a longshot but she hoped his body against hers would be enough to remind her she wasn’t alone. That she wasn’t in peril anymore. That she was safe with him. That no one was going to poke or prod at her…than no one was going to hurt her for her own good. That twisted thought still ate at her. Her care givers had _hurt_ her so badly in the process of saving her. She thought darkly for a split second that she was a little disappointed she _had_ woken up before being utterly disgusted with herself for the thought. She didn’t want to die. She just wanted the pain to stop. She sighed in relief when she felt him roll onto his back and tuck his arm under her head, his fingers brushing against her bare shoulder limply.

He kept his eyes closed and groped for a pillow, stuffing it between their sides. She could have his arm but there was no way he was risking making contact with her abdomen. “Go to sleep Poppy. I gotcha. You’re gonna be fine sweetheart.” He promised before slipping back into his slumber.

She lay awake that night and cried silent tears, on her back, staring at the ceiling in the dark.

** August 3 **

He was going to strangle her. Had wanted to since the moment they’d disembarked the ship this morning and made their way to the hotel. Poppy had to be the worst patient on the planet. The woman didn’t know the meaning of the words ‘taking it easy’. He was convinced she was incapable of relaxing. Their hike around the ruins of Delos yesterday had been enough. This though. This was just asinine. The fact she was determined to do this was eating away at him. He would admit she was getting better at moving around every day and the swelling in her belly had gone down significantly but he still thought this might just be the most idiotic thing she’d argued with him about thus far. He’d given her every excuse he could come up with to back out of this, including telling her straight up that _he_ didn’t want to do it. She’d even talked to Erdene on the phone earlier this afternoon; her friend encouraging her to slow down and be nice to her own body and that there would always be other trips. She’d told Poppy _she_ was lying on a beach while they spoke and that lazing around was exactly what you were supposed to do on vacation. Did the woman listen to anyone though? No. Of course not. Hell would have to freeze over first. So, here they were, climbing the fucking _Acropolis_ less than a week post-surgery. She was in pain, he could tell. She refused to voice it though. Stubborn ass woman.

Poppy wiped the sweat from her brow with the back of her forearm, unsure if she was sweating more due to the heat or the painful excerption she was putting her body through. She was doing this though, no matter what anyone said. This wasn’t just a mountain to her. This was symbolic for her. She glanced up. Shit that was a long way up. She glanced down, but look at how far she’d already come? She could do this. She was grateful their tour guide kept pausing every hundred feet or so to point something out or gift them with a fascinating historical fact. It gave her a moment to catch her breath before trudging on. She’d had just about enough of Tora’s anxious glances, she knew she was driving him up the wall but this wasn’t about him right now. She needed to do this for herself whether he liked it or not. She was extremely proud of herself when the tour guide informed them the steep stairs in front of them was the last stretch of the climb. She could do this! She’d done almost as many stairs after she’d been released from the hospital. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. Piece of cake. Yup, a breeze. Easy as ABC. She continued to try to come up with silly sayings to keep her mind off the pain. In truth, the hike was excruciating but she was rather exceptionally gifted at distracting herself from the truth. Tora’s scowl wasn’t helping though. When they finally reached the top and she was able to sit on a rock he finally smiled, taking in the vista around him. It really was breathtaking and Tora had a thing for being up high. This was even better than the view from Regina’s peak. She laced her hands together and pressed them to the top of her head, breathing through the lasting vestiges of pain, smiling to herself as she watched the unintentional impressed, giddy look on Tora’s face, his mask slipping. Yup. Worth it. Definitely worth it. She’d done it. This was significant. If she could do this, she could do anything. She was going to get through this. The nightmares would go away and she’d be able to sleep again eventually. She’d recover. When they got home she was going to see her doctor and figure out whatever she needed to do to have a healthy baby. Her body would heal. All she had to do was keep moving forward and push through it. One foot in front of the other. One baby step at a time.

Yet...no matter how many motivational things she told herself, it was hard to shake the feeling a piece of her was missing. She supposed she was _literally_ missing a piece of her reproductive organs now but it was so much more than that. Just a deep gut feeling that things weren’t going to the same for her ever again; and that scared the hell out of her. As if a small voice inside her was whispering that this wasn’t one of those things you ever get over, more just one of those things that’s painfulness lessened with time. Much like the death of her father. She’d never wanted to smother that voice more in her life. Her instincts could go jump off the lip of this cliff for all she cared. She wanted to live in her delusion as long as she was able, the truth be damned.


	5. Road to Recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this story is hard to read. For those of you still with me: Thank you. I know it's a lot. 
> 
> Songs:  
> Weighty Ghost by Wintersleep  
> Life's A Mess by Juice World & Halsey  
> That's Life by Frank Sinatra  
> Everybody Hurts (cover) by Jasmine Thompson (Original by REM)

** August 5th **

Poppy trembled as Tora pulled them into the parking lot of their apartment building. She wasn’t sure she was ready for this. It had been a long seventy two hours. The climb down the Acropolis had only been slightly less demanding on her physically than the assent. She was so drained they had spent the following day only taking short jaunts around the city, visiting the museum of the Acropolis and eating gelato just down the street from the hotel. Tora had bathed her one last time, doing his best not to comment on the way she cried when he coaxed her to lean back so he could wash her hair; her muscles quivering under the strain after her hike the previous day. She had packed their bags that evening before the two of them had had a romantic dinner on the roof of their hotel, the open air patio restaurant offering them a gorgeous view of the Acropolis illuminated against the dark night sky. Poppy had cursed her body silently as they ate. She didn’t want to be in pain. It was ruining the moment. She supposed that she really didn’t have anyone to blame but herself for that though.

Tora had helped her crawl into bed that night, doing his best to mask his anger when he realized they wouldn’t have time to hunt down a doctor and have her blood tested before they caught their flight the next morning. They’d fought again, Poppy insisting it was finally time to go home and that she’d eaten red meat with every meal in addition to all the iron pills she’d been popping and was sure she was fine now. She insisted she would follow Amanda’s instructions on the plane.

To her credit, she had, getting up every hour of the flight to walk the length of the plane, locking herself in the wheelchair accessible bathroom. She felt utterly ridiculous but the bathroom walls were plastered with mirrors. She needed to be silly in order to prevent herself from breaking down at the sight of her own reflection. So she sang a happy childhood memory to herself softly, “when I up, down, touch the ground, It puts me in the mood. Up, down, touch the ground, In the mood for food.” She swung her arms back and forth, reaching for her toes as much as her injury would allow before stretching her fingertips towards the ceiling in an attempt to get her blood circulating. “I am stout, round and I have found, speaking poundage-wise, I improve my appetite when I exercise,” she grimaced as a pain shot through her lower right abdomen. She pressed both hands gently over the incision site and hunched over slightly, breathing through the pain for a moment. “You’re okay Poppy, you’re okay,” she told herself, exhaling as she stood up straight again, forcing herself to keep moving for the entirety of the song. “I am short, fat and proud of that, And so with all my might, I up, down, up-down, to my appetite’s delight,” she swung her arms again, lifting her knees this time as well as she marched on the spot. “While I up, down, touch the ground, I think of things to chew. Like honey, milk and chocolate,” she grinned to herself. Almost there. The pain of this particular hour was almost done, “With a hefty-happy appetite, I’m a hefty-happy Pooh,” she whispered to herself, inhaling through her nose and out through her mouth, fighting off the searing pain coming from her abdomen before she sat down to pee. She was consuming almost a liter of water an hour. She was pretty sure she was over doing it but the idea of a blood clot terrified her and Tora was insistent.

Poppy closed her eyes as she relieved herself, keeping her gaze off her bloody pad as she pulled her underwear back up. She washed her hands slowly, looking at herself in the mirror, “you got this girl. Push through it. You’ve been through worse,” she lied to herself. She had repeated the process every hour throughout the entirety of the ten hour flight.

When the plane finally touched soil in Narin, Poppy cringed at the morbid thought that immediately crossed her mind. She was so relieved. If she died now, Tora wouldn’t be alone. She kept the gruesome thought to herself as she followed Tora out of the plane through the airport and out to their vehicle after collecting their luggage.

“You okay sweetheart?” Tora asked, as he assessed his wife from the driver’s seat, turning off the car.

Poppy nodded, breathing deeply, fighting off her tears. She knew their family was waiting in the apartment for them. She wasn’t sure she was ready to face them yet. “Yeah, just…uh, pain,” she muttered. She wasn’t lying, she knew he’d interpret it as physical pain but in reality, she was currently grappling with the emotional pain of what they’d just been through. Stepping through their apartment door would make it real. She took another steadying breath before opening her car door. Tora was there in an instant, helping her to her feet. “Thanks baby,” she whispered. He nodded and moved to grab their luggage as she made her way to the door.

Tora watched as Poppy greeted her Granny, the two women breaking into tears as they embraced, Danny and Bella getting in on the hug as well a moment later. He bit his tongue to keep from snapping at them to be careful with her. He appreciated that they were here, he did, but all he wanted to do was put Poppy to bed. She had a slew of doctors’ appointments tomorrow and she needed her rest. Quincey clapped him on the shoulder, “Tora,” he turned to face his brother, “how are you holding up?” he asked, worry reflecting in his azure eyes.

Tora shrugged, turning his attention away from Poppy for the first time since disembarking the plane. “I don’t know, pretty fucked?” he replied helplessly.

Quincey nodded, “anything I can do to help?” he offered, feeling equally as helpless. “Meals? Anything I can buy?” he offered lamely.

Tora smirked at him, appreciating the gesture but Quincey had done enough; the man had had a gift basket for each of them, waiting for them upon arrival. Each filled with their favourite treats, sympathy cards and personal items. “I think we’re good, I’ll let ya know what the doctors say about her tomorrow,” he reassured, pulling his brother in for a tight hug. “Seriously Quince, thanks,” he murmured in his ear, prompting his brother to just squeeze him tighter.

  
** August 6 **

Poppy winced as her family doctor extracted her stitches, “sorry Pops, these should have come out a day or two ago. Your skin has already started to heal over them, that’s why it stings.” She informed her.

Poppy nodded, “It’s fine Victoria, I’m not that much of a wimp,” she assured her.

Victoria nodded, pulling the last of the sutures from the younger woman’s belly button. “Okay, that’s the last of them,” she sighed, discarding them into the trash can by her foot. “I’m going to do a pap smear, and then you’re going to go downstairs and have your blood drawn.” She explained. “You’ve got a transvaginal ultrasound scheduled later today at the hospital right?” she waited for Poppy to nod before she continued; “I’ve already referred you to a gynecologist specializing in fertility. You should hear from his office in a day or two with an appointment time.” She continued, placing fresh bandages over the incision sites. “Good news is that so far you seem physically okay all things considered,” she commented casually. “I’m going to strongly recommend you seek therapy though. You’ve been through one hell of a traumatic event and even if you aren’t feeling the effects yet you might find they start popping up soon.” She counselled as she prepped the speculum. “Okay Poppy, this will be cold,” she warned.

Poppy sucked in a deep breath as Victoria finished the smear. “Okay, I’ll see if I can get a therapist through my benefits at work,” she offered.

Victoria nodded, “or I can recommend a few, make some referrals. I think Tora would most likely benefit from talking to someone as well.”

Poppy shrugged, sitting up, “I agree but I doubt he will.”

Victoria peeled off her gloves, “should I bring him in now?” she asked with an arched brow. Poppy nodded and Victoria disappeared out the door before returning a moment later with Tora in tow. “Okay, run down time. She needs to go have blood taken right after this; she looks good to me. No sex for two weeks. After that, up to you, it will just be a question of whenever you feel ready for that again. Poppy, technically you should be fully healed six to eight weeks after your surgery date but after what you just told me you pushed yourself to do in Europe I’m gonna tack on another week to that. You’ll have an appointment with the gynecologist probably mid to end of September and I would strongly recommend you do not attempt to become pregnant again until after you speak to him. It is also my personal medical opinion that your body would not be fully recovered enough to safely conceive until October at the earliest anyways. Alright?” She raddled off her advice.

She leaned back against the counter, when Poppy and Tora nodded their understanding, she continued, “one last question for you though, why didn’t you take any painkillers after you left the hospital?” she asked, genuinely confused, “you were on morphine and then you just went cold turkey? Why put yourself through that?” she asked.

Poppy, glanced at Tora in confusion, “what are you talking about? I did get her pain killers.” Tora insisted.

Victoria arched a brow at him, “I didn’t see any listed on the medication chart you guys filled out before we started the appointment.” She replied dryly.

Poppy reached for her purse, pulling out the pills she’d been taking, handing them to Victoria, “this is them,” she informed her.

Victoria looked over the labels carefully before nodded to herself, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but these are not pain killers. These are muscle relaxants. I think they probably did help with the pain a bit though as the cramping is what would have caused you the most pain. Probably took the edge off at least eh?” she explained, trying to soften the blow.

Poppy looked up at Tora, shooting daggers at him. Tora clenched and unclenched his fists, he wanted to go hunt down the fucking pharmacist that had given them to him. Obviously google translate was not all it was fucking cracked up to be. “I’m sorry Poppylan. I didn’t know. I swear.” Poppy nodded but said nothing. There was no point in crying over it now.

Victoria smirked, “I’m going to prescribe you some real ones and something to help you sleep as well. To help with the nightmares,” she offered, pulling out her script pad.

Tora glanced at Poppy sharply, she was having nightmares? Why the fuck didn’t she tell him?

** August 7 **

Tora rolled over and into the pillow barrier he’d erected between himself and his wife in order to protect her from accidentally jostling her in his sleep. The quiet pained noises she was making had woken him. “Y’okay?” he muttered, reaching over to click on the lamp on his nightstand. He fluffed the pillow under his head as he stared up at her bleary eyed. He hadn’t gotten much sleep the last few days, he hadn’t slept much on the plane and the time change was kicking the shit outta him. He was surprised she was up though; she’d gotten even less sleep than he had. Last night had been the first time she’d slept soundly and it was only after she’d popped a lorazepam Victoria had given her. 

“I don’t know,” Poppy answered him honestly, massaging the back of her calf. It was hot and red and hurt like a bitch. It had woken her out of her sleep. “Does this look swollen to you?” she asked softly, twisting as much as she could so he could examine the back of her calf.

Tora sat up and scooted down the bed, looking at her calf in the soft light emanating from his nightstand. “A little, maybe?” he replied, more concerned about how warm the spot was to the touch in comparison to the rest of her leg. “Am I taking you to the hospital?” he asked her seriously, searching her eyes.

Poppy shrugged, “I really don’t want to but I googled it and they’re symptoms of a blood clot,” she told him honestly.

His brows crept up his forehead, “well then of course we’re going to the hospital,” he told her flatly.

She sighed, “I figured,” she replied dryly.

Tora studied her for a long moment as she swung her legs off the side of their bed and began pulling on her clothes. “You okay Bobby?” he asked, genuinely concerned by her apathy towards yet another potentially life threatening medical condition.

She shrugged before pulling a t-shirt over her head, “Not really, no. Feel really numb, empty I guess. Detached maybe? I’m just more than a little over this. All I wanted to do was sleep and get some rest in our bed; and instead we’re headed back to the hospital where I just know they’re gonna poke and prod at me again. I – I,” she shrugged, “I don’t know. I don’t like feeling like a lab rat. I’ve had enough of doctors and hospitals.” She muttered.

Tora gazed at her heartbrokenly. He didn’t know how to fix this for her. He felt as useless as he did sitting in that waiting room back in Italy. He stood and pulled on his own clothes, “can you walk?” he asked her seriously.

Poppy rolled her eyes and nodded, “yeah, I’m fine. I don’t think I’m gonna keel over on you before we make it to the hospital. This clot, if that’s what it is, needs to make it all the way to my heart in order to kill me. I think we have time,” she attempted to tease him despite the monotone cadence of her voice.

He frowned at her as they made their way to the front door, “that’s not funny Poppy,” he scolded her, starting to worry seriously for her mental health.

~ ~ ~

Poppy looked up at the ceiling as the ultra sound tech moved the probe up and down her leg. This was her second one in two days. The transvaginal one yesterday had sucked more than she wanted to admit. She’d had a mild panic attack when the woman had inserted the wand. She’d had two in Italy before being released but there was something about having it done here that triggered her terribly. She figured Victoria was right and she should probably look into that therapist sooner rather than later.

“Okay, all done, you can head back to the waiting room now. A doctor will come talk to you in a bit.” He assured her. Poppy nodded and accepted the cloth he handed her so she could wipe down her leg and clean off the gel before making her way back over to Tora.

“What’d they say?” he asked gently as she sunk into the chair next to him and leaned heavily against his arm.

Poppy sighed, “more waiting. Doctor will come talk to us once they review the ultrasound images,” she assured him with her eyes closed. She was so tired. It was the middle of the night. They should be at home in bed. He sighed and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, settling in for the two hour wait ahead of them.

Tora jostled his wife awake, “sweetheart, the doctor is here to talk to us,” he whispered as the man approached. Poppy breathed deeply and opened her eyes, blinking up at him and then over at the man in the medical coat standing three feet from them.

The old man frowned at her; “You’re Poppylan?” he clarified, continuing when she nodded, “you have a small blood clot in your calf. Unfortunately there’s nothing we can do about it until it reaches your thigh. You can go home now. If it reaches your thigh, come back. It may dissolve on its own though. Just keep an eye on it okay?”

Poppy blinked at him again, severely unimpressed they had just waited two hours to be told to go home despite her actually having a blood clot. She was convinced the universe wanted her dead now. She was grateful the gods had waited until she’d come home at least. Small miracles, she thought, scoffing. “Okay, thanks,” she muttered, _for nothing,_ she added silently, climbing to her feet, pulling at the hospital bracelet on her wrist. Tora frowned and stood up beside her as the doctor walked away. “Tora,” he looked down at her, “Please take me home?” she pleaded. He nodded not sure how to feel about this clot and his continued feelings of helplessness.

** August 11 **

Poppy wailed as she leaned against the wall in the shower. Tora was gone. At work somewhere. She was alone for the first time since they’d gotten home. She sobbed brokenly. This was the third shower she’d taken on her own and the first time she didn’t have to protect any bandages. Instead of washing though she had sagged down to her bottom, curled into a small ball and leaned against the wall in order to bawl her eyes out under the spray of warm water. She’d lost her baby. She’d nearly died. She’d been plagued by nightmares since she got home. She had an appointment with a therapist next week but she had to go back to work tomorrow. Gil had been really good about giving her time off until the doctors cleared her to come back but she wasn’t sure she was emotionally ready yet to pull herself back together enough to mentally handle her workload. Thus, she cried, her sobs wracking her body as she grieved her unborn child for the first time. She was desperate to confront her feelings now so that she didn’t breakdown in the office tomorrow, when people would undoubtedly ask her how her vacation had been.

It hurt.

She felt like her heart had been flayed open and skewered. She cried harder, and began to rock, trying desperately to regain some composure of herself. It wasn’t working. She wailed; her cries filled with her pain, her remorse, her regret, her horror, her bloody unending trauma. The clot had thankfully dissipated on its own but she’d under gone multiple blood draws as her hemoglobin had taken its sweet ass time returning to normal, leaving her feeling drained and fatigued most days. She’d also been told she had old clotted blood inside her since her surgery that was taking its time exiting her body. She was therefore still being forced to wear pads should an ugly thick black clot decide it was an opportune time to depart from her body. Life wasn’t fucking fair. Her cries were reaching hysterics now; she tried to slow her breathing, coaching herself to inhale deeply, slowly. She needed to calm down. It wouldn’t be good if Tora came home and discovered her like this. She could only imagine what she must look like right now. No wonder everyone was worried about her. She was worried about herself too. Her Granny, Erdene and Quincey had been over almost every day since she’d returned from Europe, just to check on her, often staying with her when Tora had to work. It was sweet but overbearing, she knew they meant well and she did appreciate the company to keep her mind off her painful thoughts. Sometimes though, the things they said just made it worse.

_At least you didn’t know before hand._

How the hell did that make it any better? If she’d known she was pregnant she would have sought help sooner. Why didn’t anyone tell her growing up you could have a period and be pregnant? Why the hell was her sex and reproductive education so severely lacking?

_At least it happened early._

What the hell did that even mean, how would this have ended any differently if it’d happened later?

_At least you’re alive._

They had no idea how badly and how often she wanted to die though, to make the pain stop. Was this even living? She felt like a zombie between the medication and the lack of sleep. The numb feeling that had settled in her gut shortly after returning to Narin was always there with her unless she was like this. Out of her mind with anguish.

_Don’t worry, everything is going to be okay, you and Tora will have a baby eventually._

How the _fuck_ could they know that? A lot of the research she’d done had told her that her fertility was now compromised as a result of only having one fallopian tube and she was now at risk of having future ectopics.

_It was a loss for us too._

That one made her the most furious. It took everything in her not to say: Go _fuck_ yourself every time she heard it. It wasn’t their loss. She seriously doubted anyone was grieving the way she was. The idea of her child in a medical waste bucket or incinerated on the other side of the world made her want to puke. How could she have failed so badly? How could her body have betrayed her so horribly? She knew it was insane and irrational but she couldn’t help but feel like less of a woman. Wasn’t having a child what she was biologically designed for? How could she have failed at something she was literally designed to do? She cried harder until she felt her stomach roll violently.

She threw herself onto her hands and knees and retched, watching as her bile was carried by a stream of warm water down the drain, tears falling from her face. Why was this hell never ending? She stayed on her hands and knees, water dripping off her wet hair as tears mixed with the shower water. She sucked in harsh breaths, internally demanding she take control of herself again.

This needed to stop. She needed to make the pain stop and she needed to get the hell off the drugs. She was terrified of becoming dependent on them just to get through the day. She pushed herself to her knees slowly and then pulled herself to her feet, reaching for her loofa. _Just wash yourself Poppy_ , she coached herself. One small achievement. One baby step in front of the other. It’s a mountain. Just keep climbing. She reminded herself once she’d gotten her erratic breathing to calm.

She scrubbed herself, grateful for her endowed chest; her breasts obscuring her view of her scars when she glanced down to wash her belly.

** August 15 **

“So? How’d it go?” her Granny inquired over the phone as Poppy set her poetry aside. She’d been writing quite a bit lately. It was too painful to stand and paint for too long so she’d opted to write. It was helping a little, to finally have a place to voice what she really felt without being told to be ‘positive’ to ‘look on the brightside’ to ‘find the silver linings’.

Poppy forced a smile into her voice, the last thing she wanted to do was worry her Granny any further than she already was. “It was okay, it was weird spilling something so personal to a complete stranger.” She explained.

“Well that’s the nature of therapy. Did she say anything helpful?” Granny pushed.

Poppy sighed, “she thinks I may have PTSD and told me I was a ‘hard’ person, it kinda rubbed me the wrong way,” she explained.

“I’m not surprised after what you went through, and what does ‘hard’ mean?” Granny asked, befuddled. ‘Hard’ was not a word she’d use to describe her granddaughter. Poppy was usually quite easy to get along with.

The younger woman leaned back on the couch cushions and put her Granny on speaker, glancing over at Tora who was sitting in the arm chair next to her, doing something on his phone. “She said that there are two kinds of people in the world, hard people and soft people. Hard people try to force their way through trauma, trying to let it bounce off them. Soft people let the trauma impact and dent them. She said both ways of dealing with traumatic events are problematic for different reasons but that I happen to be a ‘hard’ person.” She explained.

“Ain’t _nothing_ wrong wit’ that, can’t sit around crying about shit forever,” Tora muttered under his breath, glancing at her, making eye contact momentarily before returning to his phone. 

Poppy rolled her eyes; they’d been struggling with communication lately. He’d made it very clear through his actions that he was not feeling the same emotions she was surrounding the loss of their unborn child. “Well that’s interesting, what does she think you need to do?” Granny replied.

Poppy shrugged, “she thinks I need to stop forcing myself to ‘act normal’ and ‘slow down to actually process my ordeal’, I’m not really sure how to do that though. Bad things happen Granny, I didn’t shut down after Dad’s death, the world keeps spinning. I still have deadlines to meet and responsibilities to fulfill.” She told her, not sure if she was trying to convince her Gran or herself with her words. She was a pretty good actress if she did say so herself. She’d only told Erdene and Jacob about her ordeal in Europe. The rest of her co-workers were under the impression she’d had a wonderful time but had caught an awful stomach bug, thus the additional time off. She was pretty good at putting on a brave face and pretending to be happy.

“If you say so dear, I think you should keep going to see her though. I think it’s good for you,” Granny insisted.

Poppy agreed she would and caught up with what was happening in her Granny’s life before she said her goodbyes and hung up. She set her phone aside and reached for her notebook and placed it in her lap before glancing at her husband. “Tora, can we talk?” she ventured cautiously.

Tora nodded and pocketed his phone, turning his undivided attention on her, “I think it’s good ya went back to work and I think your therapist is a quack for suggesting ya just sit around wallowing in pain and grief. Like ya said Bobby, shit happens; we both know that better than most. Ya pull yourself up and ya soldier on. If you just lay down and give up ya may as well be dead.” He told her seriously.

Her brows narrowed, “I don’t disagree entirely but I do think you and I should talk about this and our feelings surrounding it. I’ve been feeling pretty distant from you lately and the no sex rule isn’t helping,” She pressed.

Tora smirked at her, “Missing the ‘D’ eh?” he teased.

Poppy deadpanned, “missing ‘Tora’ actually, as in, you as a whole. I could care less about your dick right now. My vagina hurts so much I can’t even laugh about it. Every time I pull down my pants I feel like I’m having a panic attack seeing all the blood still coming out of me.” She told him honestly, cocking a brow at him as he blanched at her description.

“Fuck Poppy,” he breathed.

She shrugged, “this is my reality right now, it’d be great if you could try to be more involved in what I’m going through and experiencing. I feel like a huge grenade has just gone off in the middle of our marriage and we’re both wading through the carnage and wreckage on our own and I’d really like it if you’d hold my hand through this instead.” She pleaded.

Tora nodded getting up to join her on the couch, he took her notebook and tossed it onto the coffee table next to her phone before patting his knee, “com’ ‘ere beautiful,” he told her with a smirk as she climbed onto his lap. “I’ve been givin’ ya space cause I don’t know what to do to help. I’ve been feelin’ pretty useless. I’m concerned about ya but I never know what to say so I’ve been keeping my mouth shut aside from makin’ sure ya take your meds and eat when ya should. I’m really proud of you sweetheart. I was impressed when ya went back to work. Hell, I’m impressed and overjoyed whenever I see ya genuinely smile. I don’t like seein’ ya so sad all the time. I’m also really relieved you’ve been layin’ off the lorazepam a bit. ” He told her, opening their lines of communication for the first time since her surgery.

Poppy nodded, resting her head against his shoulder, his arms wrapped loosely around her, a hand on her hip the other on her thigh as she sat on his lap sideways. “I get that, I haven’t even been sure how to help myself lately. I feel really lost and sad a lot. I agree with you about the drugs. I want off them as soon as I’m able. I don’t want to walk around in a haze anymore. I’m still having nightmares, but I don’t like how I feel in the morning when I take the lorazepam. I’m hoping the therapist will help with that. She told me that you and I should really discuss the baby though.” She responded sadly.

Tora clenched his jaw. He’d been avoiding this conversation. He knew they didn’t see even close to eye to eye on the topic of her pregnancy. He chose to say nothing. Not wanting to step in shit so soon after trying to close the emotional gap that had been hanging between them lately. Instead he just nodded and braced himself. “I wrote something. Can I read it to you?” She asked softly. He nodded again, not really sure how to say no. In truth he didn’t want to hear it. Every time she said the word ‘baby’ it made him cringe. She pointed at her notebook; he reached for it and handed it to her.

Coming Apart

I apologize. I didn’t know you were there.

Pushing against me, fighting for life.

You announced your presence spectacularly,

A river of blood so thick you tried to strangle me with it.

I swear every scream I uttered was your own dying breath.

They ripped you from me.

To keep me from death.

A life for a life.

Almost Child

Holding on to you is like

Trying to hold onto raindrops.

You were too little to grasp,

But made such an impact.

Loss

I held you for the first time in my dreams.

Every night after the first I held you,

In a space I knew existed only in my mind.

I’d kiss your little fingers.

Gaze love into your sleeping face.

I’d kiss your forehead

And whisper to you softly & then wake

To empty arms and a pain so thick

I could taste it.

Tora didn’t say a word as she finished reading the third poem. He was relieved that there wasn’t a forth. He didn’t want to hear anymore. He knew she had nightmares, he hadn’t realized that her regular dreams were painful for her as well. It was rare she didn’t wake up without puffy eyes. He was surprised he was able to sleep through her tears. Then again, he’d woken a time or two and heard her crying in the bathroom. Unsure how to comfort her he’d just lain awake in bed, listening to her sob, waiting for her to return to him so he could hold her. He didn’t want to smother her but he was so at a loss as to how to act or what to do. “I don’t know what to say to that Poppy,” he told her honestly.

She licked her dry lips and pressed her notebook to her chest. “As soon as we’re allowed, I want to try again Tora. I want to have a baby.” She told him seriously.

He raised a brow at her, biting his tongue to prevent him from saying what he wanted to but knowing it was absolutely the wrong thing to say. He swallowed thickly and closed his eyes for a moment forcing down the vehement rejection he wanted to lash out at her with. “I don’t,” he told her calmly, quietly.

Poppy felt her heart freezing over at his whispered words, her skin growing numb everywhere it touched him. “What?” she breathed.

Tora tightened his hold on her, “Poppy I almost lost you, ya can’t seriously be asking me to take that risk again,” he reasoned.

She just stared at him, “of course we’re going to try again Tora, like you said earlier, if you just stop moving forward and curl up in a ball out of fear then you may as well just lay down and die,” she spat his words right back at him.

He could feel his anger swelling in him, “this is fuckin’ different and you know it. I don’t take risks with your safety. Do you have any idea what it was like sitting in that waiting room thinking you were dead? Do you have any fucking idea what that did to me? ” he snarled, pissed that she wasn’t trying to see his side of things at all.

She tossed her notebook on the table and climbed out of his lap, shoving at him roughly, “Do you have any idea what it felt like to be the one who was _actually_ dying?” She screamed.

He stood, scowling down at her, “that’s the fucking point!” he cried, “I’m not willingly putting you in a position where that could happen again. Fuck that! You’re not fucking dying on me!” He bellowed.

Poppy got right up in his face, “it’s my risk to take!” she cried, stabbing him in the chest with her finger.

Tora’s eyes widened, his nostrils flaring in rage, “No it’s fuckin’ not, it’s _ours,_ last time I checked ya need me to get fuckin’ pregnant. If I say ‘no’, it ain’t happening. That’s the end of the fucking story.” He snapped.

Poppy felt her eyes welling with tears, her nose burning with the barely restrained water works, “You said yes!” she screamed, “You said yes! You can’t take it back! I won’t let you! You don’t get to decide this, I do!” she cried passionately.

Tora clenched his fists, “Do you even hear yourself? How fuckin’ hypocritical is that? You get to make all the fuckin’ decisions on this just ‘cause you’re the one that has to grow the fuckin’ thing? Naw, fuck that noise Bobby. I get a fuckin’ say.” He snapped.

She beat her fists against his chest, “give me a baby Tora I need one, it’s the only way I’m ever going to feel better,” she cried pathetically.

He trapped her hands in his, flattening them against him, “no Poppylan,” he told her firmly.

She broke into tears, “How can you be so cold? We lost our baby! How can you be so insensitive! Don’t you care that you lost your child?” she screeched, his grip on her wrists the only thing keeping her on her feet.

“It wasn’t a fuckin’ baby! It was clump of fuckin’ cells that almost fucking KILLED YOU!” he thundered at her, bewildered and furious as to how she could possibly see it as anything else.

Poppy struggled, trying to pull out of his grip, “LET ME GO YOU ASS!” she cried between sobs. He released her, a dark look in his eyes as he watched her retreat to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. “FUCK YOU TORA! OUR CHILD WAS SO A FUCKING BABY!” she shrieked at him from behind the locked door.

Tora stomped over to the door, his nose inches from it, “OH YEAH POPPY, I’M A FUCKING ASSHOLE CAUSE I WON’T HELP YA KILL YOURSELF AND LOVE YA ENOUGH TO WANT YA TO KEEP FUCKING BREATHING. FUCK YOU POPPY.” He thundered before stomping into their bedroom, slamming the door behind him, doing his best to ignore the sobbing he could hear coming from the bathroom.

** August 20 **

Poppy climbed the last of the apartment stairs and smiled at her neighbour Mozart and his large golden doodle Casey. “Hey Mo,” she greeted him cheerfully.

He waved at her, “hey honey how ya doin’?” he asked.

Poppy smiled, she liked him, he had kind eyes and his smile always reached them. “Oh I’m good, how about you?” she asked, extending her hand down to pat Casey’s head when the dog reared up and pushed its paws into her abdomen.

Mo immediately pulled him off her, the girl grunting, slamming her hands down against her abdomen, hunched over slightly in pain. “Shit, I’m so sorry Poppy are you okay? I know he’s a big dog.” He offered in way of apology.

Poppy waved him off, pulling in a deep breath, “I’m fine. Promise. Don’t worry about it,” she breathed through the pain and moved to unlock her apartment door, forcing herself to stay upright. “Have a good night Mo!” she told him cheerfully before moving into the apartment, closing the door behind herself before slumping against it. Holy shit balls she was in pain, she hunched over, trying to dispel the stars forming behind her eyes. “Tora?” she shouted. No response. “Tora?” she cried out louder. Still no response. He wasn’t home. She made her way to the bathroom, pulling some of the stronger pain killers she still had left from Victoria’s script, popping two before crawling into bed on her back, staring at the ceiling, trying to will the pain away like she had in Greece.

~ ~ ~

Poppy woke up hours later, her abdomen screaming at her. She pulled herself out of bed and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. As she gulped greedily, draining the glass, she noticed the note Tora had left her on the counter. 

_Bobby,_

_I’ll be working till tomorrow, I’m sorry I won’t be home tonight._

_Call if ya need me._

_Love ya_

She felt her stomach roll as a wave of nausea hit her hard. She made her way back to the bedroom and pulled out her phone dialing Quincey. He picked up on the second ring. “Poppy honey, it’s late are you okay?” he asked, his voice laced with concern.

She pressed her hand against her abdomen, “I’m not sure Quincey, a dog jumped on my surgery site and I’m in a lot of pain. It happened hours ago. Tora has to work. I’m sorry to ask this but is there any chance you could come take me to the hospital?” she asked softly.

Quincey threw his notebook onto his coffee table and grabbed his keys off the kitchen counter before slamming his door closed behind him, “I’m on my way to my car right now sweetie. I’ll be there lickity split. I’m coming for you girlie but please let Tora know. He worries about you and I know he still feels like shit over your fight last week,” he promised.

Poppy nodded, not the least bit surprised Tora had confided in him about that, “yeah, I’ll text him, see you soon, and thanks again,” she whispered.

Quincey exited the elevator and headed to his car, “of course, we’re family, you don’t need to thank me sweetie. Now text Tora,” he insisted.

She smiled, “you’re the best, okay, bye,” she told him before hanging up, opening up her message thread with her husband.

_Casey jumped on me. Hit my right lower abdomen right over my scar. It’s been a few hours and I’m still in a lot of pain. Quincey is coming to take me to the hospital. I’m sure it’s nothing, and I’m probably over reacting but I’m going just to be safe. I’ll keep you updated._

His reply came a few minutes later as she was pulling on her shoes.

_he needs to learn to teach that fuckin dog not to jump up on people. i’ll come to the hospital as soon as i’m able. love you._

Poppy sighed, they hadn’t actually made up after their fight last week, they’d just both silently agreed to pretend as though it hadn’t happened. She’d come out of the bathroom and crawled into bed next to him and begrudgingly allowed him to hold her. He hadn’t said a word to her, just held her, his face buried in the hair at the crook of her neck. They’d fallen asleep and in the morning they’d both just acted normally, the divide between them widening. They needed to talk about the future and children again, someday soon; she wasn’t ready to give up on her dream of being a mother that easy. Today was not that day though.

_I will. Love you too._

~ ~ ~

Poppy sat on the edge of the hospital bed, giggling despite her pain at the ridiculous joke Quincey had just made as a nurse approached her. “Okay, we’re going to give you this shot for the pain, we should be able to get you in for an ultrasound in the next three hours,” she assured her, “this will help in the meantime.” Poppy nodded and rolled up the sleeve of her t-shirt, handing her purse to Quincey. Watching as the nurse administered the needle.

Quincey watched in horror as Poppy blinked at him a moment later with glassy eyes, “Quincey, something’s not-” she whispered before slumping limply off the bed, fainting before his eyes. He didn’t move fast enough to catch her, her body slamming painfully against the floor. Her head making an audible crack as it thumped against the ceramic tiles.

“Help! Oh my god! Help her!” he screeched, gesturing frantically. Watching on as nurses surrounded her. One of them shouted to get her off the floor. Quincey’s eyes widened as one of the nurses tapped Poppy repeatedly on the cheek after five of them lifted her onto the bed.

“Wake up miss, wake up!” she snapped. Quincey sighed in marginal relief when Poppy’s eyes slid open. “Do you know your name?” she asked.

Poppy blinked slowly, her head and her upper back were throbbing, “uh, Poppy” she sputtered, the word coming out more like a question than a statement.

“Do you know where you are?” the nurse questioned.

Poppy blinked again, “no, do you know where I am?” she asked.

The nurse administered a concussion exam and asked a slew of other questions. Finally, she nodded, “you’re going to be fine,” she told her as Poppy’s eyelids slid closed again.

~ ~ ~

Poppy slid her eyes open slowly, taking in the off white ceiling above her. She was on her back, in a hospital bed. She looked down and noticed the IV in her arm; tears began to well in her eyes as panic gripped her. Icy fingers tightening on her heart. “Noo,” she moaned, beginning to cry. She was having a nightmare, she was _in_ a nightmare. It was another _nightmare_ it had to be. She cried harder as Quincey’s face appeared, floating in front of her.

“Shhh, Poppy,” he cooed, squeezing her hand, “it’s okay sweetie, don’t cry, shhh, you’re okay. Promise.” He assured her. Poppy gasped, trying to calm herself. Quincey was here. Which meant she wasn’t in Italy. She wasn’t dying. “Breathe honey, breathe!” he instructed, his free hand snapping at a nurse.

The nurse made her way over to them as Quincey continued to coddle her, taking her free hand. “Hey Poppy, he’s right, calm down, you’re okay. We’re taking good care of you. It’s scary waking up and not knowing where you are eh?” the nurse consoled her, Poppy nodded, “I know, it’s okay though, I promise. You just had a bad reaction to the pain killer we gave you. It happens sometimes. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m just gonna need you to chill out for the next little while okay? We’re going to keep monitoring you for any other adverse reactions alright?” Poppy nodded again. The woman had a nice smile. The nurse turned to Quincey, “she’s okay Sir,” she informed him before continuing her rounds.

Quincey looked down at her, “Damn Poppy, you scared the shit out of me, you looked like something out of god damn Grey’s Anatomy. I thought shit like that only happened on tv!” he told her.

Poppy closed her eyes for a moment before replying, “I’m sorry I scared you.” Quincey just frowned.

~ ~ ~

When Poppy woke again Tora was there, holding her hand, “Hey sweetheart, Quincey told me you had a reaction to the pain killer they gave ya?” He asked, standing over her, pushing strands of hair off her forehead and out of her face. Poppy nodded, “How are you feeling now?”

Poppy blinked up at him, “numb?” Tora frowned at her response, his fingers stilling their caress.

“You know I love you right?” He questioned.

She nodded, “I love you more,” she whispered.

He leaned down to kiss her forehead, a small smile on his lips. “I love you most,” he promised. He sighed and slumped back into his chair. Quincey had gone to get her a tea and a biscuit, the nurses saying it would best for her to eat once she woke up. Tora scrubbed at his face with his free hand. Quincey’s texts had scared the shit out of him and he’d dropped everything to come running to her side. He was feeling the same way as her now. He’d had just about enough of hospitals and doctors. He’d cut off his right arm if it would ensure she was healthy and safe and would fuckin’ stay that way. He sighed and canted his head back to stare at the ceiling. It’d been almost a month since her surgery but he couldn’t help but feel like it was only yesterday. Every time he closed his eyes all he could see was her pale frightened expression coming out of that damn cabin bathroom. He couldn’t help but relive that moment in his head when the nurse had told them she was pregnant. That blood in the cup. Sitting in that god damn waiting room convinced he’d lost her. He opened his eyes and sat up straight refusing to dwell on it. He was pissed about this. He was sick of doctors and nurses hurting his wife. They were supposed to fuckin’ heal her, not make her worse. It took him a moment to realise she was staring at him.

“You’re in pain too eh?” she muttered, her eyes piercing him.

Tora pressed his lips into a tight line before replying a moment later, “this isn’t about me.”

She just continued to stare at him, “of course it’s about you too, we’re in this together,” she assured him. Her eyes communicating everything she wasn’t saying aloud.

He closed his eyes on a sigh, needing to break the intensity of their eye contact, “until you’re physically better Bobby, you’re all I wanna focus on. We’ll talk about the rest once you’re healthy. Until then, I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” He begged. He couldn’t handle them fighting when she was still so broken.

He felt overwhelmed with relief a moment later when she whispered, “okay Tora, if that’s what you need right now. That’s fine.”

** August 24 **

Poppy cocked a brow over her shoulder at Tora as she leaned down to put the dish soap away, “I saw that you know,” she commented matter-of-factly.

Tora smirked, “Who said I was trying to hide it?” he teased.

She shook her head and dunked her hands in the soapy water. Dishes were usually his job but since she’d fallen at the hospital he’d been especially restrictive about her chore load. She appreciated the help but she was feeling sick of being an invalid. Luckily she’d only been bruised deeply from the dog. No concussion either, just a goose egg and bruising along her shoulders and her hip from her fall. They were even starting to fade already. October couldn’t come fast enough; she couldn’t wait to not be in pain anymore. Sometimes it was hard to remember what ‘normal’ felt like. “Technically the two week wait is up today,” she informed him, doing her best to keep her voice casual as she washed a pot.

Tora blanched as he stared at her back. He’d been admiring her ass but he didn’t want to have sex. Well that wasn’t exactly true. He did want to have sex but at the same time the idea revolted him. He wanted to touch and love on his wife but he didn’t want to hurt her and he didn’t want to have an awkward conversation about where or how he was supposed to finish. Besides, she was in no condition for that. She was getting around just fine but her skin was still smattered with bruises and he knew she was sore, no matter how much she tried to hide it from him and put on a brave face. “Bobby I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he told her dryly, crossing his arms as he leaned against the fridge.

Poppy sighed, “I figured but how long do you plan on keeping us celibate?” she inquired seriously.

Tora shrugged as he picked up a dish cloth and took the damp pot from her hands to dry, “I don’t know sweetheart, a while yet. I’m terrified of hurting ya. You’re only just starting to recover. I don’t want to do anything to slow that recovery or risk re-injuring ya.” He told her honestly, moving to put the pot away.

She bit her lip as she washed a knife, “can we agree on September? That’ll give us another week and a bit?” She offered, rinsing it before handing it to him.

Tora ran the cloth the length of the blade, “how about after we see the specialist?” he countered.

Poppy’s grip slipped momentarily on the dish she’d been scrubbing, “but Tora that’s not till the eighteenth! That’s too long,” she whined. In truth, she missed him terribly. She didn’t imagine the forced celibacy was any easier on him either. They hadn’t been intimate since before their trip.

Tora frowned, “I’m sorry Poppy but I really don’t want to touch you until a doctor says it’s okay,” he told her softly, accepting the dish she passed him.

Poppy scowled, “well Victoria is a doctor and she said any time after today is fine,” she objected, grabbing the plastic portion of her lunch box off the counter to wash.

He tossed the drying cloth onto his shoulder and turned to lean against the counter, “I know that’s not what you want to hear and I know I’m upsetting ya but she said that before ya went back to the hospital. And frankly, if I’m being honest Bobby I don’t think _I’m_ ready, even if you are.” He told her earnestly.

She nodded, passing off the plastic insert before reaching for a strainer, “You’re really going to make me wait another month? You know we can do other things, I’m not bleeding anymore.” She suggested. She’d stopped bleeding a while ago and had been extremely relieved to be able to wear her normal panties again. She’d been so uncomfortable for so long.

Tora closed his eyes for a moment and thought carefully about how to word his response, “Bobby, I love ya and I miss touching ya a lot but I don’t want to do anything even remotely sexual with ya until after we see the specialist. My hand will do me just fine until then if I need it that bad,” he told her firmly.

Poppy stared ahead at the wall in front of her for a long moment before rinsing off the strainer, “and what about my needs Tora?” she whispered.

He cocked his head to the side at her, “I’d much rather ya touch yourself than have me do it right now,” he blurted stupidly, not realizing she hadn’t taking his statement the way he’d meant it. What he’d meant to say was that if she pleasured herself she wouldn’t press too hard or hurt herself accidentally or injure herself in anyway by getting carried away. He had no faith in himself that he wouldn’t hurt her accidentally, and asking her to take care of him when he couldn’t and wouldn’t return the favour just rubbed him the wrong way. He wasn’t that fuckin’ selfish; especially when he was the one enforcing the celibacy.

Poppy forced away the hurt his statement caused her, “thanks Tora, ya really know how to make a girl feel wanted, I guess pudgy and scarred isn’t exactly appealing is it?” she muttered, more than a little self-conscious about the amount of weight she’d packed on out of her emotional eating and force sedentary lifestyle the last month.

Tora hugged her from behind, dipping his mouth to her ear, “Don’t be stupid Poppy, ya know I want ya and I love ya, no matter what ya look like,” he told her, pressing a kiss to her temple, unaware he was just doing more damage with his words.

Poppy closed her eyes and forced herself not to cry, she knew he was trying to comfort her and he had never been very good with his words but all she wanted was him to tell her she was still sexy to him and then prove it with his body. The fact that he hadn’t objected to her calling herself pudgy and scarred just made her feel even lower than she had at the beginning of the conversation. She didn’t respond, just set the strainer on the counter for him to dry.

Tora pressed a kiss to her cheek before releasing her. “We can talk about this again after the specialist appointment okay?” he offered, picking up the strainer with one hand as the other pulled the drying cloth from his shoulder.

Poppy nodded, pulling the plug on the sink, watching the dirty water swirl down the drain. She’d never hated her body more than in that moment. She felt like a ghost inhabiting a shell of her former self. When were things going to stop going to shit? She could really use some happiness right about now. She waited until Tora left the room before she let herself cry.


	6. Don’t Forget To Love Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hands down, the hardest shit I've ever written in my life. Worse than my 40 page university essay on the politics of the third crusade. -_-
> 
> PSA: I am not a doctor. The lengthy conversation below is based on information I obtained through my own research and through multiple conversations with multiple different doctors when I was going through my own difficulties.
> 
> Songs:  
> How Do I Live by LeAnn Rimes  
> Count on Me by Default  
> Hope by Jack Johnson

** September 5th **

It’s funny, how life works, how the moments and news that would normally be nothing but celebratory can cut you so deep you can practically taste the blood seeping from the wounds they leave; Poppy thought as she processed what she’d just been told. “Honey, did you hear me?” Granny asked, “I said Danny is pregnant.”

Poppy pressed a hand to her abdomen and willed herself to remember how to breathe, “That’s really great Granny. Seriously, that’s awesome, I’m so happy for her and Syd. Listen, I’m so sorry but Tora is calling for me, I have to go. I’ll talk to you soon okay,” she lied, trying desperately to get off the phone before she fell apart.

“Wait sweetie, please, I know you’re probably upset, Danny wasn’t sure how to tell you, she got pregnant the same time you did honey. She was worried and asked me not to tell you right away.” There was a long pause and then she added, “We’re all really worried about you Poppy.”

Poppy licked her lips and pressed her hand harder against herself as she stared down at her toes doing her best to fight off tears. “Thank you for telling me, I’ll be okay, I just need some more me time. I’m sorry to worry you all. I love you Granny.” She bit out before hanging up on the older woman, certain she didn’t have the strength to hold herself together for too much longer.

Taking deep breaths, she breathed through her jealousy. Her time would come wouldn’t it? Danny was family. She shouldn’t feel anything but happiness for her…then why was she thinking such horrible things? Why did Danny get to keep her baby when she didn’t? Why did Danny and Syd get to be happy when there was such a wall between her and Tora now?

She was able to hold onto those thoughts for all of five seconds before she broke under the weight of them. She wept softly to herself as she stood in the middle of the livingroom, phone in one hand, the other still pressed against her empty womb.

Tora froze as he walked in off the balcony having just finished his smoke to find his wife a puddle of tears five feet from their sofa. When he’d gone out she’d been smiling, talking to her Granny about curtains. “Um, sweetheart?” he asked feeling completely out of sorts. He knew what to do when he made her cry. Hell he even knew what to do when she was ‘happy crying’ not that he’d ever understood those tears. This though, Christ. He looked around the room trying to figure out what could have upset her when he noticed the hand pressed to her belly. Fuck.

She took a deep breath, forcing the words from her mouth, “Danny’s pregnant, Granny just told me,” she whispered. He nodded and moved to hug her; they didn’t need to agree on what they’d lost for him to understand this news had hurt her. “She got pregnant the same time as _us_ ,” she cried. Tora nodded again, his chin brushing the side of her head. He didn’t say a word though, just let her cry.

** September 18th **

Tora and Poppy sat side by side awkwardly, stiffly, on the waiting room chairs as they stared ahead at the baby photos on the wall in front of them. Tora had taken one look at Poppy’s face when they had initially sat down and decided he wanted to burn them all for her so she’d never have to look at them again. He glanced at her, she was staring again, this time at the one curled up on a green leaf background, its chubby cheek resting on its chubby arms, its fingers curled into adorable fists, a lady bug knit cap on its head. He could see the tears beginning to well in her eyes. “Poppy,” he commanded trying to get her to look away without success, “Poppy, sweetheart, fill out the form,” he told her, tapping the clipboard in her hand.

She looked down at the sheet as if seeing it for the first time, “oh…right,” she muttered, tightening her grip on her pen. She had filled out all the standard information, address, full name, birth date, medical background but it was the pregnancy and infant section that had made her look up and away for a moment. _How many pregnancies have you had? How many miscarriages? How many living children do you have?_ Living? They needed to make that distinction? Oh god. She hadn’t even thought about something happening to her children _after_ they were born. Then again, she’d never even thought about complications with pregnancy before her experience this summer. Did failed pregnancies count as children? Or was Tora right? Did they only count if they were born? A whole new set of anxieties gripped her as she wrote down a one for pregnancies.

She stared down at the miscarriages question. She had no idea what to put. Did ectopics count as miscarriage? She was personally inclined to believe they were different. Who was to say her baby wouldn’t have been fine if it hadn’t gotten lost? If her body hadn’t failed her baby and got it where it was supposed to be? She didn’t feel like anything about her loss was natural. They’d ripped her baby from her. Oh god, was it still _alive_ when they’d cut it out? She’d never stopped to question that before. She looked at the dark splotches forming on the paper in confusion for a moment before she realized she was causing them. She wiped at her face in annoyance. Now was not the time to lose her shit. _Pull yourself together Poppy!_ She internally screamed at herself. She closed her eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath, centering herself before she looked back down and wrote: _one ectopic requiring surgery_. She then wrote a zero under the last question. 

Tora watched Poppy do all of this with a frown on his face, desperately trying to read her thoughts yet at the same time, incredibly grateful he couldn’t. The pain on her face was enough. He was a little worried her thoughts might just break him. He was used to their silent agreement they’d made years ago that only one of them was allowed to be a mess at a time, but he wasn’t used to having to be the strong one this consistently. Poppy had always been his safe place where he was allowed to let down his male bravado and just be himself. Lately though, she seemed to be struggling so much to care for herself that he was pretty sure she’d crumble if he asked her to shoulder any of his normal bullshit right now. And so, he’d reserved himself to the idea that he was just going to have to suck it up and be there for her however she needed or would let him.

He had tried to close the gap between them but every time he thought about what had happened he couldn’t bring himself to think about their ‘baby’ as a ‘baby’. In his mind it was an evil clump of cells, a cancer growing inside her that had tried to kill her. Tried to take her from him. Tried to drown her in her own blood; and _he’d_ fuckin’ put it inside her. After their initial fight he had tried to think of it her way, had even approached Quincey about it but he just couldn’t. This was just another of those issues that had popped up between them over the years where they had just agreed to disagree. This was different from the others though and much more important because he had no idea how to help or support her since he didn’t understand her point of view in the slightest. When she woke up crying in the middle of the night murmuring wide eyed about someone needing to get the babies he just didn’t get it. He understood when she would look at knives and get quiet; he even understood her sudden interest in the life insurance policies he had gotten years ago on each other when they’d first gotten married. Made a lot of sense considering her near death experience. The baby shit though. That he wasn’t sure he’d ever understand.

“Poppylan?” a nurse called as she stepped in the fertility centre waiting room, “please follow me,” she added when Poppy and Tora stood. She proceeded to take Poppy’s weight and height measurements before ushering them into a small examination room. There was a chair with stirrups pressed against the far wall under a window, two waiting chairs along the right wall and a small sink, a computer desk and a stool on the left. “Please take a seat, the doctor will be with you in a moment.”

Poppy deliberately turned her back to the far wall and stared up at Tora’s profile as he sat stone still, arms crossed, gazing at the computer monitor as the screen saver bounced around on its surface. “Tora,” he turned his head to look down at her, “I’m scared.” She had both been looking forward to and dreading this appointment. She wanted to get the ball rolling on another pregnancy but if she were being truthful with herself, she was also terrified of the doctor confirming the things she had read online over the last few months. Joining a facebook ectopic pregnancy group at the end of August had been a mistake. It’d been nice to talk to women who knew what she was going through but it was also terrifying to learn about all their experiences and how many of them had had repeat ectopics, had lost both their tubes and were now, essentially sterile without the help of medical intervention.

He smirked at her, completely ignorant of everything she’d read, and the real source of her anxiety, “don’t be silly, there’s nothing to be afraid of sweetheart. This is just a conversation. No one’s gonna do nothing to ya. Promise.” He attempted to reassure her, uncrossing his arms so he could pull one of her hands into his, squeezing it comfortingly.

Poppy smiled at him weakly, “I know Tora but I’m worried about what he’ll have to say,” she confessed. He frowned, not sure how to respond. Poppy had never been afraid of words before.

He leaned down and pecked her on the mouth, “no matter what he says, I love ya and I’m right here with ya,” he promised, searching her eyes for any indication that what he’d just said was not the right answer to her unspoken query. 

When she smirked at him and said: “I love you more,” he knew he’d said the right thing.

“I love ya most,” he finished their pattern, squeezing her hand again. He looked behind him when he noticed her eyes drift momentarily over his shoulder. “What is it sweetheart?”

Poppy pointed, “The pamphlets, on the back of the door, can you pass me the white one with the red and blue on the front?” she asked. Tora leaned over wordlessly, his long arms easily reaching the paper she’d requested before he passed it to her, releasing her hand so she could unfold it. He watched as her eyes moved rapidly over the inside passages, her face becoming more and more pinched as she read. “We forgot to ask Victoria about this, it’s that blood thing they told us about in Italy, you should read this,” she said, passing it to him.

Tora sighed, taking it from her, letting his eyes roam over the words:

## What Is Rh Factor?

The Rh factor is a type of protein that's usually found on red blood cells. When you have this protein, you’re considered Rh positive. About 85% of people are Rh-positive. The rest are Rh-negative. That means they don't have the protein. You get the protein from your parents at birth. 

## Who Gets the Rh Factor Test?

Every pregnant woman gets the Rh factor test during each pregnancy. It's one of the first and most important tests you'll have.

You usually get it in the first trimester unless you have vaginal bleeding. How many other tests you get depend on the results:

  * Rh positive: You won’t need another test.
  * **Rh negative:** You may get a test called an antibody screen to see if your blood has Rh antibodies. If you’re Rh negative and your baby is Rh positive, you might be likely to have a condition called RH factor incompatibility, which could be dangerous.



## Rh Factor Incompatibility

Normally, being Rh-negative has no risks. But during pregnancy, being Rh-negative can be a problem if your baby is Rh-positive. If your blood and your baby's blood mix, your body will start to make antibodies that can damage your baby's red blood cells. This could cause your baby to develop anemia and other problems.

Antibody formation can be triggered by:

  * Complications early in pregnancy such as miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, or terminations
  * Injury to the stomach during pregnancy
  * Bleeding during pregnancy
  * Amniocentesis and other tests that require fluids or cells to be withdrawn from the pregnant mother
  * Delivery, whether vaginal or cesarean



If you’re Rh negative and your baby is Rh positive, this means that your baby inherited the Rh gene from their Rh-positive father.

## How the Rh Factor Test Is Done

The Rh factor test is a simple blood test. It won’t harm you or your baby. The doctor will use a needle to take a small amount of blood from your arm.

## Rh Factor Test Results

If you’re Rh-negative and your baby is Rh-positive, try not to worry. At around 28 weeks, the doctor will give you a shot of Rh immunoglobulin (RhIG). This drug stops your body from making antibodies for the rest of your pregnancy. You may need a dose after delivery, too. If you get pregnant again later, you’ll need more shots of RhIG. 

Let the doctor know if you have any spotting during pregnancy, especially if you’re Rh-negative. If you do, they may give you a shot of Rh immunoglobulin.  
  
If you already have Rh antibodies, the drug won't work. Instead, your doctor will keep a close watch on your baby's health. Some babies need a blood transfusion after delivery. Others need one while they’re still in the womb.

Tora passed the pamphlet back to her, “so you’re this Rh negative thing and I’m positive?” he clarified, “so we need to be worried about this too?” he asked, trying to fight off the anxiety that was beginning to swell inside him. Fuck. He knew he and Poppy were an odd match but to know mixing their blood genetically could hurt her or their future unborn children made him want to puke. He wasn’t hurting her again. Fuck that.

Poppy shrugged, trying to appear calmer than she felt, “we’ll have to see what the doctor says,” she told him, not ready to panic quite yet. They had given her a shot in Italy for this. A big one. It must have been the RhIG the pamphlet had mentioned.

Tora had his arms crossed again while Poppy fiddled with the Rh factor pamphlet when someone finally opened the door. “Hey there, my name is Kevin, I’m with the NHSC (Narin Health Sciences Centre) counselling department,” he explained, pulling the stool forward so he could sit on it, making himself comfortable. Tora and Poppy exchanged an unimpressed look as the man gave them a spiel about the services that were available to them as they processed their loss and began their next journey through pregnancy. Poppy kept sneaking glances at Tora, watching as his face grew more and more impatient as the man went on. She glanced down at her wrist watch, annoyed to see that this man was wasting so much of her time. She wanted to talk to a _doctor_ damn it. She’d been waiting over a _month_ for this appointment. “No thank you,” she blurted in the middle of his sentence.

Kevin looked at her, a little taken aback, “well if you’re not open to that option, that’s fine, we provide-”

“No thank you. To all of it. We’re fine. No need for your help. I have a therapist already and my husband has no interest in one. We’d like to see the doctor, _the person we came here to talk to_. Now please,” Poppy informed him, her words pleasant, her tone harsh. Tora raised his brows in surprise and glanced down at his fierce little wife. In all honesty, he’d been quite tempted the last few minutes to tell Kevin where to go and how to get there but was pleased she had opted to do it. Poppy had always been better with her words than him. His statement wouldn’t have been anywhere near as polite.

Kevin blinked at her, before turning to face Tora, a frown forming on his lips, “I’m sorry to hear about your disinterest sir, many of the men I meet benefit from counselling, and normally I don’t push but honestly, after what you’ve both been through, I think it would be a good idea to speak to someone.” He pressured.

Tora glared at him, “I handle my shit just fine on my own. Now go get the damn doctor.” He growled.

“Please,” Poppy added, glaring at Tora expectantly.

He rolled his eyes, “Go get the doctor, _please_.” He repeated politely, his momentary ire gone despite his lingering impatience.

Kevin nodded and stood, opening the door, “Sir, I really do think-” The glare Tora sent him had him out the doorway a second later, the door closing firmly behind him.

“You didn’t need to be rude dear,” Poppy scolded.

Tora scowled, “he pissed me off, I’m on call. Longer this shit takes the more opportunity I have of pissing off Vince when I tell him I ain’t coming when he calls.” He explained.

The door opened a moment later, “Hey there, I’m Dr. Abu Rafea but you can just call me Basim. I read over your referral and it stated you had an ectopic?” He asked as he settled onto the stool Kevin had vacated. Poppy nodded, “you had surgery? Or a shot of methotrexate?” He questioned and she responded, informing him of her surgery, “fallopian tube? Did you lose the ovary? Sorry to have to ask but your surgery records weren’t sent along with the referral.” He explained.

Poppy shook her head, “I have the ovary but lost the tube, it happened while we were on vacation in Italy, we’re still working with the insurance company to get them sent to us and translated. The hospital won’t release the originals and the insurance company has an issue with copies for some reason.” She explained, not really pleased to have to get into what a headache her travel insurance provider was being. All it did was ignite rage within her. Honestly. How was it already late September and she hadn’t been paid out yet? Thankfully they could afford the medical bills but it was the principle of the thing. They shouldn’t have to pay in the first place! That was the point of insurance wasn’t it? Why the hell did she pay the premiums if they were just going to fight with her about their own policies?

She shook off the unwanted anger and set her attention back on the doctor in front of her, “That’s the main reason we’re here, unfortunately due to the language barrier, I don’t really have a full understanding of what happened to me and what this means for our future as parents? I was hoping you might be able to fill in some of the blanks.” She explained.

Basim smiled politely, “of course, I’m so sorry you went through that on your vacation. I’m sure it wasn’t a pleasant experience. What would you like to know?”

Poppy bit her lip, “can we start with this?” she asked, passing him the pamphlet, “They gave me a shot after my surgery, right before I was discharged and explained it was because of my negative blood type and the fact that Tora is positive. Is this something we need to be worried about in the future?” she asked.

Basim shook his head, “maybe a hundred years ago, not now though. They gave you the shot and this was your first pregnancy right?” He waited until she nodded, “yeah, nothing to be concerned about then, we’ll just monitor your next pregnancy and give you doses of RhoGAM when needed. It’s common for women with negative blood types. Pairs like you two happen fairly frequently. Nothing we can’t handle, and nothing you should worry yourself over.” He promised.

Tora reached over and squeezed her hand, pleased by the doctor’s commentary, “what about the ectopic itself? I’ve read I’m more likely to have them in the future now that I’ve had one,” she worried aloud.

Basim shrugged, “yes and no. You are at greater risk but it’s a minimal percentage increase. Based on the medical history you and your family physician provided, I’m inclined to believe you may have just had a problem with the tube. There’s nothing to say your left one isn’t perfect though. Lots of women have ectopics and go on to have perfectly healthy pregnancies.” He reassured.

Poppy frowned, “I read online that my fertility is cut in half now, that I can only get pregnant when I’m ovulating with my left ovary.” She stated rather seriously.

Basim chuckled, “ah, doctor google. I wouldn’t put too much faith in what you read online. Everyone seems to think they’re a doctor now a days. If I’m being perfectly honest with you, I’d say your fertility is probably sitting closer to 65% and I’m only going off of your age, your medical history and the fact you indicated you weren’t planning this pregnancy.” He smiled at her, “You’re young and healthy, there’s no reason to believe you won’t go on to have a healthy pregnancy. Really, I mean it.” He promised, finally picking up on her extreme anxiousness.

Poppy bit her lip, “why did it happen though? What can I do to make sure it doesn’t happen again?” She begged, hoping for an answer that would finally appease her, google and the support group having been no help to her on these questions.

Basim eyed her thoughtfully, “Ectopic comes from the Greek word ektopis, which means ‘displacement or out of place’ essentially, ectopic means a ‘lost’ egg, a displaced child. Anytime a pregnancy takes place outside the uterus we call it an ectopic. Most of the time, ectopics are fallopian, like yours. They happen when the egg embeds in the fallopian tube instead of making the rest of its journey to the uterus, where it is supposed to embed itself in the lining. As to why the eggs do this sometimes, we don’t really know for sure. We have a lot of theories and ideas surrounding this type of pregnancy but nothing definitive and concrete I can share with you. Essentially, lots of correlation but no definitive causation. I personally believe, based on the research available to me that your type of ectopic often happens due to scarring on the tube or a genetic issue with the tube. Ectopics are fluky, maybe if you had gotten pregnant at a different time or with a different egg or on a different cycle it wouldn’t have happened. Who’s to say?” He explained.

Poppy gazed at him helplessly, “so there’s nothing I can do to prevent another one?” she whispered disappointedly, devastated by his reply. Tora’s grip tightened on her hand in response to the distressed tone of her voice.

Basim shrugged, “No, but we will monitor your next pregnancy closely and if it happens to be ectopic again we’ll make sure you get the methotrexate in time to save your tube.” He promised.

Poppy stared at him blankly, “you mean you’ll kill my baby before it gets big enough to rupture my tube and potentially kill me,” she stated flatly.

Basim narrowed his eyes in concern, his mouth twisting as if he’d just eaten something sour, “well that’s a rather morbid way to look at it but yes.”

She nodded, “so Tora and I can only get pregnant every other month now?”

Basim chuckled, his face morphing into amusement, “let me guess, Dr Google tell you that too?” he teased.

Poppy shook her head, “no my sex ed teachers in elementary and high school. They told me that my ovaries take turns ovulating each month before my menstruation. Doesn’t that mean since I have no right tube that we can only get pregnant every other month now? Am I wrong?” she replied in confusion.

Basim nodded, “yeah, that’s a myth. A well propagated myth, but still a myth. Honestly we’re still trying to figure out how the female reproductive system works. Many women do ovulate the way you described but so many more do not. I have patients who have ovulated out of the same ovary three months in a row and then suddenly switch to the other for various amounts of cycles before switching back. There is no set pattern when it comes to the human body. Each one is unique. If you’re asking when you should be trying, I would say to keep trying every month until you succeed.”

Poppy frowned, not the least bit impressed by his response. She had come here for answers, a step by step guide on how to get pregnant and how to make sure her next one was ‘normal’. She told him as much, significantly more politely than her train of thoughts.

Basim smiled at her like a teacher to a small child, “I’m sorry to disappoint you Poppy but there is no such thing as ‘normal’. Every pregnancy is different and comes with its own set of challenges. Did you know that only 5% of woman have what you would consider, ‘normal’ pregnancies? Where they have no issues conceiving, carrying or delivering? 95% of women encounter at least one challenge along the way. So please don’t be hard on yourself. This and all the other fertility clinics in this city exist for a reason. There’s a higher demand for our services than you may have been led to believe by your ‘sexed teachers’, having complications _is_ normal.”

Her agitation was growing, how had she been so woefully unprepared to navigate the pitfalls of her own body? Of her gender? Why had she been led to believe pregnancy was automatically going to be the result of any unprotected sexual intercourse? That having a baby would be as easy as having Tora climax within her? She felt deeply betrayed. If this happened to so many women, why the hell didn’t they _talk_ about it? _Warn_ the younger generation what was coming? Maybe she wouldn’t be so angry and heartbroken and upset if she had known all the risks and the reality of the potential ramifications of their ill thought out venture into hopeful, ignorant parenthood. Not for the first time she wondered why the hell no one had bothered to inform her she could have a period and be pregnant at the same time. If she had only known, she would have taken the damn test and maybe she wouldn’t be so god damn traumatised and she would still have both fallopian tubes! “How come you know so little!?” she demanded, shaking off Tora’s hand, too angry to worry about him and what he thought of her outburst at the moment.

Basim frowned, “Simple answer: sexism. We’ve been studying the human body and it’s inner workings for thousands of years. However, most of that time was spent examining the male body under the assumption that the female body worked in essentially the same way. Obviously, this is not true. Due to this, we don’t actually know as much about the female body as we should. For instance, do you know the signs of a heart attack?” he asked.

Poppy nodded, “pain that spreads, starting in the arm and in the chest? Shortness of breath?”

Basim smirked at her, “yes, in _men_. There are a variety of other symptoms only women demonstrate that differentiate from their male counterparts, including but not limited to nausea, vomiting, fatigue, cold sweats, dizziness and heartburn.” He paused, “Honestly Poppy I have a patient right now, four months pregnant. She has a left ovary and a right fallopian tube. That’s it. She got pregnant _naturally_. I have no idea how it happened. It’s a medical mystery any of us here at the clinic have yet to solve. The female body is amazing and we’re still figuring it out. I’ve dedicated my life to the study of your reproductive system and thirty years after graduating I’m still learning every day so please don’t be upset with yourself for not knowing about your body.”

When Poppy just continued to frown he reached into his breast pocket and handed her his card, “listen, this has my direct contact number on it. You call me the instant you find out you’re pregnant and I’ll look after you personally okay?”

She stared down at the card in her hands, “what if I can’t get pregnant again? What if I have trouble conceiving now?” she questioned.

Basim inhaled deeply before letting it out slowly, “look, usually we don’t do any testing unless you’ve tried unsuccessfully for a year. I am so confident that you will be able to have another pregnancy that if you’re not pregnant in the next six months I want you to call me okay?” He offered.

Poppy nodded, “so when can we start trying again?” she asked.

Basim smiled at her, “when was your surgery?”

“July 27th”

“How many cycles have you had since then?”

“One.”

Basim nodded to himself, “wait till you have three. I’m assuming the one you’ve had was rather unpleasant?” She nodded, “well three is a pattern. If you have an irregular second, black blood, large clots, pain, etc. that’s fairly normal. If your third is still problematic though hold off. If your forth is _still_ unusual, call me. If your third is normal for you then I would say you’re good to go.” He told her, ignoring Tora who was staring at him in horror.

“Is there anything else I can do to give my next baby the best chance of survival?” she begged.

Basim nodded, “the best thing to ensure a healthy baby is for the mother to be healthy. Look after yourself, eat well, exercise. Be conscious of what you put in your body and take folic acid. This _won’t_ guarantee a healthy pregnancy but it definitely doesn’t hurt your chances.”

Poppy nodded, suddenly determined to get into the best shape of her life once her body was fully healed. She was getting around easily and had started going for afternoon walks on her lunch break but still had pain on occasion. Just enough to ruin her good days. The ones where she would be so busy, what happened to her would temporarily escape her, until she would stand up or sit down or reach for something too quickly and the stabbing pain would remind her. “I’ll do that, thank you, sir.” She told him with a bright smile. The most genuine one Tora had seen on her face since their debacle in Italy.

Basim beamed back at her, happy to have been able to relieve a small portion of the young woman’s anxieties. “Glad to hear it, do you have any other questions?” Poppy shook her head, she was sure she did but she couldn’t think of any at the moment. Basim cocked his head slightly to the side and examined Tora who had his arms crossed again and a pensive look on his face, “what about you? Do you have any questions for me, you’ve been rather quiet?”

Tora glanced down at Poppy, who was looking up at him expectantly before he returned his gaze to the doctor. “She not gonna die right? If we keep trying?” He murmured, forcing his fears past his lips .

Basim’s mouth curled into an amused smile, “Highly doubtful. Especially now that she will be closely monitored by our clinic. We may not know everything about the female reproductive system but I do know enough to be able to intervene when necessary.” He left out the fact that it did occasionally still happen. On average the last few years there had been between four and eight maternal mortalities for every 100,000 live births in Narin. He didn’t think sharing this statistic with them though would be very comforting.

Tora nodded, “so, can we uh…” He paused as he searched his vocabulary for a term to replace the crass one he usually used to describe the act, “be intimate? Without me hurting her now?” He asked.

Basim shrugged, “Like I said, every _body_ is different. From a medical perspective I would say yes, enough time has passed. As for pain, you should ask your wife that question, not me. That’s something you two will have to explore on your own and decide what is right for you as a couple. Just keep in mind that, often, after loss, the real issues aren’t physical. They’re mental.” He advised. Tora clenched his jaw in response to that. When no other questions were forthcoming from the stoic man Basim smiled, “Alright, well if there’s nothing else I’m going to head to my next appointment. Don’t forget to call me when you get the good news alright?” He reminded them as he stood up to leave.

“Thank you,” Poppy bid him farewell as he gave her another smile and a small nod before exiting through the open door. She turned to look at Tora, “I guess we go home now?” she asked. He didn’t say a word to her, just stood up and reached for her hand. They left the medical centre in silence.

~ ~ ~

Poppy fiddled with the flap on her purse as Tora drove in silence. It was uncomfortable. Usually they would talk, or at least have the radio on. She glanced at him trying to read the hard expression on his face. “It’s after the appointment now. Can we talk about it again?” she ventured cautiously, referring to the conversation they’d had back in August, when he’d first imposed their forced celibacy.

Tora’s hands tightened on the steering wheel, “how about Friday,” he offered, still feeling weird about the whole thing.

She smirked, was he seriously trying to set up a date to have intercourse? What was she? Tinder? She thought in amusement. “How about tonight?” she countered.

His eyes narrowed in distress as he kept them focused out on the road ahead. “No, I need at least a day and I’d rather try when you don’t need to go to work the next morning. That way if I do hurt ya, if you are in pain at least ya can stay home and I can look after ya.” He paused for a long moment, “I hated watching ya push yourself on our vacation. It really tore me up seeing ya in pain like that and knowing I couldn’t do anything about it ‘cause you’re so fuckin’ stubborn. This though. I _can control_ and I’m not willing to do this with ya before Friday.”

Poppy narrowed her brows in frustration, “you need _a day_ eh? You know you’ve had more than a month right?” She snapped still upset over their lack of intimacy, she’d been patient damn it.

Tora’s eyes softened, “ya know it’s been hard on me too right? I know we don’t feel the same way about what happened but I love you Poppy. Seeing you suffering is destroying me. I’m just scared of hurting ya, you get that don’t ya? That I feel responsible for all this? I’m supposed to protect ya and I’m the reason you almost died.” He beseeched, finally confessing his real feelings.

She scrunched up her face in confusion, “What the hell are you talking about Tora? The ectopic wasn’t your fault! It was mine. It was my stupid body that couldn’t get the baby where it was supposed to go!” she shouted before lowering her eyes to her lap, “I’m the one that failed.” She corrected brokenly, helpless to fight the tears and self-hatred her small whispered confession evoked.

Tora pulled over into a strip mall parking lot before throwing the car in park so he could turn to look at her. “Poppy, look at me,” when she didn’t he reached over and took hold of the side of her face, turning her gently to face him, wiping at her tears with his thumb, “you didn’t fail sweetheart. Didn’t ya hear the doctor? It was fluke, nothing ya could do about it.” He reassured.

She pressed her palm overtop of his, nuzzling it with her cheek, “but maybe if I’d been healthier?” she responded, pain etched deeply across her face, “maybe if I didn’t have such a sweet tooth?”

Tora smirk at her, “yeah sweetheart, I don’t think staving off a couple of brownies would have made a difference. Stop beating yourself up Bobby. This wasn’t your fault.” He promised.

She smiled sadly at him, not completely sure she believed him, “well it wasn’t your fault either,” she insisted.

He chuckled humourlessly, “come on now Bobby, don’t give me that, we both know everything that goes wrong is _always_ my fault,” he joked self-deprecatingly.

Poppy frowned, not finding his words the least bit amusing. He was too hard on himself. Growing up being big brother and parental figure to a number of his friends and those he considered family had caused him to shoulder way too many burdens over the years. “That’s not funny Tora and not even remotely true. Don’t you dare blame yourself for this. I know where this is going and you’re getting me pregnant again and that’s final.” She informed him tersely.

Tora released her face and sat back against his seat, propping his elbow on the door so he could cradle his forehead in the space between his thumb and forefinger. He couldn’t look at her, “I don’t know if I can do that Poppy. I’m…scared. Of hurting you. Of losing you. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to live without you if something happened. I love you too much Popplan.” He whispered, his own tearful breakdown imminent despite his willful refusal to let it happen. “How am I supposed to do something that I know could hurt you?”

“Mmh,” Poppy grunted, not quite sure how to navigate her husband’s emotions on this one. His words felt like a punch to the gut. Was she being selfish? Was she torturing him right now? This was what normal people did though, every day. People had babies _every_ day. Why couldn’t they? No, he was just letting his anxiety eat away at him. He needed to put this in perspective. He was soldier. He wasn’t allowed just give up and curl into a ball. Ever. This was no different.

“I think your therapist is a quack for suggesting you just sit around wallowing in pain and grief. Shit happens; we both know that better than most. You pull yourself up and you soldier on. If you just lay down and give up you may as well be dead.” She threw his own words back at him, the ones that had resonated so deeply with her she hadn’t forgotten a single word. “That’s what _you said to me_ Tora. If I’m not allowed to wallow and blame myself then you aren’t either. I want children, and I know you do too even if you won’t admit it to yourself. If you didn’t you never would have agreed in the first place.” She took a deep breath, “like you just said to me, the ectopic was a fluke,” she stated trying to convince herself of that fact just as much as Tora, “the doctor said there’s no reason to believe our next one won’t be perfectly healthy. I’m scared too but I want this enough to be willing to try again. Please do this with me,” she begged, “I don’t want to fight anymore.”

Tora put his hands back on the steering wheel and gazed out the windshield for a long moment before putting the car back in drive, pulling out of the parking lot slowly as he eased them back onto the road. He breathed heavily, thinking about his own words once more before he opened his mouth, “Friday Bobby, we’re using a condom, you’re gonna _tell me_ if it hurts and I’m not finishin’ in ya until you have your periods, like the doctor said.” He negotiated sternly. 

Poppy smiled, pleased convincing him had been that easy, “yes dear.”

**September 20 th**

As they stood nude across from each other in their bedroom next to their bed, Tora couldn’t help but chuckle at the frown she was giving him. There was absolutely _nothing_ sexy or romantic about what they were doing right now. “Seriously Tora?” she seethed, extremely pissed he hadn’t even tried to seduce her, just marched in here after dinner and told her to strip as he shucked his own clothes.

He shrugged, “this is happening on my terms or not at all Bobby,” he reminded her.

Poppy crossed her arms over her bare chest in frustration, “really? The first time in almost _two months_ and you’re gonna treat me like a god damn science experiment?”

He smirked at her, she was cute when she was frustrated, “look this isn’t about love right now, I’m not sure I even want to make ya cum tonight. Could your abdomen even handle that?” When she just glared at him he continued, “I know you’re mad at me but I agreed we’d have sex, I didn’t say anything about makin’ love.” When she pouted he relented, “listen, let’s just see how being together again feels and then go from there okay?” He begged.

She sighed, dropping her arms, “fine.” He smiled and took a step towards her, tilting her head with a curled finger under her chin so he could kiss her. She responded by wrapping her arms around him, when she attempted to deepen the kiss though, he pulled away.

He gazed down at her, his hands on her waist, caressing her gently, “alright, what do you think? I’m not getting on top of ya. How do ya wanna do this?” He asked.

She met his stare, thinking about it critically for the first time. She hadn’t thought about positions before, she just wanted him inside her. She glanced at the bed. “Maybe me on top?” She voiced aloud.

He frowned, “that’s a lot of work for you isn’t it? Won’t that be too physically straining on your core?” He pointed out.

Poppy looked back up at him, “But you said you don’t want to be on top,” she pointed out when another thought hit her, “what if I just bend over the bed?” she offered, “then I don’t have to do anything and you’re still not going to crush me?”

Tora smirked, “but then I can’t see your face, and ya need to be up on the bed at least. Don’t forget the height difference.” He pointed out.

Poppy scowled, “I told you I’d tell you if it hurts and if I need you to stop. You either trust me or you don’t.” She snapped, a challenge in her eyes.

He sighed, “of course I trust you sweetheart, we’ll do it that way then, bend over,” he told her.

“Tora,” she said, her mouth a flat annoyed line, “I’m not wet,” she pointed out.

He laughed at his own stupidity; of course she wasn’t ready for him. Ah, Christ, he was so worried about this he’d completely forgotten she’d need stimulation. He on the other hand, needed none. It’d been so long the minute she’d stripped his body had reacted immediately. “Right, sorry sweetheart,” he apologized, drawing her to him for a kiss. He fondled her gently, touching her the way he knew she enjoyed before he reached between her legs, touching her there for the first time in weeks. It felt both familiar and foreign as he explored her as gently and tentatively as he could, terrified of causing her pain. Once she was slick on his fingers he turned her gently, urging her with his hands to bend over and crawl up onto the bed. He grabbed the condom off the nightstand and rolled it on, rubbing himself against her for a moment before lining himself up, pressing into her slowly, his hands on her hips. He paused hallway in, “y’okay?” he asked, frustrated he couldn’t see her face.

Poppy scrunched up her nose, her mouth a flat line as her other features pinched as she working through the physical sensations and her feelings. Her hands curled into their comforter as her palms pressed against the mattress; her knees on the edge of the bed. It hurt a lot emotionally. This was wrong. It felt so clinical, distant, detached. She knew that wasn’t what he was asking though. It did hurt a little physically but not enough for her to want him to stop. “Yeah, I’m fine, keep going,” she encouraged, hoping if she could get through this hopefully the next time would be more passionate. After he assured himself that she wasn’t made of glass. This was for him after all, not her. This wasn’t what she’d wanted at all. If she had ever wondered about the legitimacy of his disinterest in touching her, this moment solidified her belief in his words.

“You sure? I can stop,” he offered.

Poppy closed her eyes, fighting off tears as her heart clenched painfully. _Do you want me to tell you to stop Tora? Do you even want me at all?_ she wondered. “Please keep going,” she whispered, too scared of his potential responses to voice her thoughts.

Tora frowned but pressed the rest of the way into her, inch by inch until he was fully seated inside her. It felt good, really good. He’d missed this, this connection with her. He didn’t want to move though, still petrified of injuring her.

She gasped when he finally slid home, her face twisted in pain. Oh god. He was so big and it’d been so long she wasn’t used to it anymore. She breathed through it as she adjusted to him. “Move Tora,” she begged a moment later, grateful he couldn’t see her face. He was about to open his mouth to ask if she was sure again when she shouted, “please, for the love of god, fudgin’ move!”

He nodded, pulling out of her halfway before pressing back in, falling into a steady rocking motion. He closed his eyes and tightened his fingers on her hips, fuck he’d missed this.

Poppy bit her bottom lip, trying to get into it. Trying to find pleasure in what he was doing to her. She’d asked for this, begged for it, had _fought_ with him for this. So why did it feel so awful? The pressure she felt low in her belly was intense and borderline painful. He wasn’t moving his hands over her, just kept them on her hips as she supported her own weight. He wasn’t talking to her. Wasn’t changing up his strokes, wasn’t touching her clit. Wasn’t even trying to pleasure her in the slightest. He was just groaning every now and then. Her face crumbled along with her heart, she hadn’t realized he was serious about not wanting her to orgasm. It was then she did something she’d never done before. She thought about something else, trying to take her mind off of what was happening behind her. She thought of the work she had to do the following Monday and the dishes they’d left in the sink that needed to be done. It was only about the time she started planning a grocery list in her head that Tora stopped moving.

He stared down at her back in surprise and discomfort. She’d just dried up on him. He blinked, staring down at his hands on her bottom and her hips, unsure what to do, he’d never encountered this problem before, especially not with his wife. Poppy always got wetter the longer he was inside her, not drier. He’d been reveling in the feel of her around him again until he’d felt her growing resistance, the chafe of being inside her with no lubricant. He didn’t imagine the sensation was very pleasurable for her either. He pulled out of her and took a step back, releasing his hold on her. “You’re not enjoying this,” he stated the obvious.

Poppy frowned, but stayed on her hands and knees. Of course she wasn’t. How could she? She felt like a glory hole. Sex with Tora had never been this disappointing or hurtful before. If he had told her all he planned on doing the entire time was insert his penis in her vagina she would have said no. She lowered her feet gingerly to the floor and stood, turning to face him. “That was awful,” she told him seriously, “I’ve never felt so distant from you in my life. Not even when you disappear for work and I don’t see you for days.” She told him seriously, trying to get across the severity of what she was feeling. He had been so dead set on not injuring her body he’d dropped her heart for a moment, bruising it terribly.

Tora frowned, unsure how to respond, “what do you need from me? Tell me what to do.”

She looked up at him with pained eyes, “love me Tora,” she begged, “tell me I’m still beautiful to you and show me with your body that you mean it.”

He stared at her pleadingly, “but you’re wounded, I don’t want to hurt you, _please_ don’t make me hurt you Poppy,” he begged, a tear falling from the corner of his eye.

She shook her head, raindrops falling from her own eyes, “you won’t hurt me baby, please. I _need_ this, _please_ , my heart hurts so much Tora, every day. Please just touch me.” Tora swallowed thickly and pressed his lips together to prevent himself from objecting again. “Do you have any idea how much it hurts to know my _husband_ _doesn’t want_ to touch me? How ugly and undesirable that makes me feel?” she cried reaching for her discarded clothing, desperate to hide herself from him, feeling deeply uncomfortable knowing her pudgy rolls and the scars that littered her belly were currently on display. She dressed quickly while Tora warred with himself over what to say. “I’m going for a walk,” she told him as she brush by his nude form, grabbing her phone off their dresser on her way out of their bedroom, through the apartment and out the door after slipping on a pair of shoes.

Tora stood there for a long moment after he heard the door slam behind her, still unsure as to what he should have said to her. She was right; he didn’t really want to touch her. He had enjoyed being inside her for a few moments but the idea of being as aggressive as he usually was? Making love the way they normally did? No. He wasn’t doing that. At least, not till she could move without any pain. He glanced down at his feet, his eyes lingering on his own member. There was blood on it. _Her_ blood. It took everything in him not to put his fist through the wall.

~ ~ ~

Poppy bawled as she walked, the irritation in her vaginal walls increasing the further she travelled. This was a nightmare. She was trapped in a god damn nightmare. She had never felt this insecure in her relationship with Tora before, it almost reminded her of what being with Julri had been like. God, she hadn’t felt this way in years. She sat down on a large rock by the river and stared out at the city. How the hell did she fix this?

~ ~ ~

When the front door finally opened again, hours later, signalling her return, Tora jumped up from the sofa and met her at the door, folding her into a hug. “I’m so sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, forgive me sweetheart, please. I would never hurt you intentionally. I’m so glad you’re back, I was about ready to come looking for ya.” He rumbled into her ear, “I love you, you’re so beautiful to me, let me prove it to you,” he begged.

Poppy pushed him away and stared up at him in surprise; he locked the door and took her hand, leading her back to the bedroom. Where he proceeded to strip down to his underwear and then took his time undressing her, kissing every inch of her that he unveiled. He lingered on her scars, his lips pressing against each one gently as he kneeled in front of her nude form. “They’re not ugly Poppy, they’re a symbol of your strength,” he reassured her, looking up to meet her tearful gaze. “Don’t cry sweetheart, we’re gonna get through this. _Together_.” He promised, rising up to his full height so he could lay her on their bed. He crawled up next to her, propping his head on one hand, supporting his weight by his elbow as he used the other hand to trace her body. Whispering words of love and adoration to her while he did it. He kissed her gently as his fingers buried themselves inside her, stroking her towards completion.

Poppy gasped, tears streaming down her cheeks as she gazed into Tora’s eyes only finding love and adoration shining back at her. This was what she wanted, what she needed. He was still touching her more gently than he normally did but this was perfect. “I love you,” she choked out, feeling silly for ever doubting his feelings for her.

“I love you more,” he promised, leaning down to press his lips to hers.

“I love you most,” she wept as she crested on his fingers.

**October 22st**

Poppy smiled as she wiped, looking down at the vibrant red colour of the blood on her tissue. Thank god, she thought a moment later as she washed her hands. Her last period, at the end of September, had been gory with awful clumps of black bloody clots and intense abdominal pain. This though, this was promising. This was fresh, _normal_.

A delicious aroma hit her as she left the washroom and made her way to the kitchen, “whatcha making lover?” she asked, coming to stand beside Tora at the stove as she gave his rear a squeeze. Tora glared at her, she knew he didn’t like it when she did that. “What? I can’t help myself. Unfair double standard Tora, you touch my butt all the time,” she told him in an attempt to defend her action.

He arched a brow, setting down his tongs, “oh yeah?” he teased, reaching around behind her, grabbing her bottom as he lifted her off the ground and onto the counter, capturing her lips with his.

She giggled against his mouth as he attempted to kiss her, when he gave up and began trailing kisses across her jaw and down her neck she spoke, “Tora, mmmm, Tora stop, seriously,” she said taking hold of his face, pulling his mouth away from her exposed collarbone, “I wanna talk to you.”

Tora smirked at her, pressing another kiss to her mouth before returning to the wok, picking up his tongs as he went back to cooking their stirfry dinner. “What is it sweetheart?” he asked.

Poppy beamed at him as he glanced at her, “it’s normal Tora. My period is finally normal again, and I’m all healed, I’ve even started doing those home workout DVD’s Erdene lent me. Cheryl has said I’ve made some real progress too. That I’m finally starting to ‘demonstrate a positive outlook and mindset’” she gushed.

He smiled at her, dimples on full display, “I’m happy for ya sweetheart, and I’m proud of ya. I know this hasn’t been easy on ya. I’m sure the season is helping a bit too eh?” he teased.

She nodded enthusiastically, leaning towards him as she swung her legs, “oh absolutely, how can anyone be depressed in the fall? The world is too many beautiful colours to be grumpy and the weather is just perfect. Total cuddle weather. I can’t believe Halloween is only another week away!” she chattered on excitedly.

Tora nodded, smiling to himself now, he loved seeing her like this. She had been so unhappy for so long. It was nice to see her acting like herself again. “Ya wanna watch something scary tonight?” he asked, looking forward to the way she would cling to him later that night in bed.

She licked her lips and nodded, “absolutely, also, Halloween also happens to coincide with the first day of my fertile window,” she ventured cautiously.

He lost his smile as he set down his tongs again and turned to look at her, “don’t ya think it’s a little soon?” he asked, feeling as though he were tiptoeing over eggshells. This was a conversation he knew was coming but was still not entirely prepared for. “Maybe we should wait another month or so?” He offered in an attempt to negotiate instead of just saying no.

Poppy frowned at him, “Both Victoria and Dr. Basim said as long as my period was normal this time we could start trying again,” she reminded him, “and we’ve been having normal sex for a couple weeks now.”

Tora turned off the burner and moved the wok off the element, coming to lean against the counter next to her. “Sweetheart, I-” was all he got out before she cut him off.

“I want this Tora, so badly I don’t even have words for it. All the time and effort I’ve been putting into eating healthy and getting stronger has all been for this. Please don’t say no. Please don’t fight me on this again,” she begged.

He studied her carefully, knowing he was about to step in shit but feeling the need to anyways, “What does your therapist think about you getting pregnant right now?” he asked. She glared at him, silence stretching between them for a long moment. “Cheryl doesn’t approve eh?” he asked, arching a brow. “Why’s that Bobby?”

She thought momentarily about lying to him but couldn’t bring herself to do it. “She thinks I should take more time to work through the near death experience. She thinks I’ve made progress on the grief front but not on my feelings surrounding my lack of control. She’s also concerned about the fact I’m still having nightmares. She thinks a pregnancy now would just add to my anxiety, not help it.”

Tora was silent for a long moment, “but you want to do this anyways.” He finished for her. She nodded, staring at him pleadingly. “Why now? Why not next month, or in six months or in a year?” he asked.

Poppy knawed on her bottom lip, thinking about all the women that had confided their own experiences with her after she had begun to share her story. “It took my friend Amanda ten months to get pregnant with her husband, and Nagham at work told me she and her husband had so much trouble that after a year and a half they needed IVF to finally conceive. Luna and her husband Rayan, you remember them?” When Tora nodded she continued, “They had four miscarriages before they had their daughter, three years Tora. It took them _three years_ to have a baby. I don’t want to wait anymore, if this is the beginning of a long journey for us, I want to get the ball rolling _now_. Besides, who knows if I’ll even have an egg to fertilize this month?” When he continued to frown at her, she smiled and added, “Come on Tora, all I’m asking is for you to have unprotected sex with me, you used to love doing that, besides, think of the three b’s: bare back is better remember?” she teased, throwing his own words back at him.

He smirked at her; he had said that hadn’t he? He sighed, “ya know something Bobby, you’re a demanding woman. I only just got over my fear of touching ya and now ya want me to put a bun in your oven again?” He only half joked.

“Tora, I’d cut off my right arm to be pregnant right now,” she told him seriously, “listening to Danny and my Granny talk about her pregnancy is killing me inside.”  


He braced himself, planting his hands to either side of her hips as he stared into her eyes. He found no trace of deceit or exaggeration. She meant every word. “You’re willing to risk your life for this?” he countered.

“In a heartbeat, we’re all dying Tora. Trying to bring new life into the world seems like something worth dying for to me,” she swore, holding his intense stare.

He pushed away from her and pulled two plates from the cupboard, plating their now cold stir fry. Damn, he’d left it off the burner for too long. He thought about putting it back on the element for a moment but she pulled the plate from his hand, already headed out of the kitchen.

He followed her out to their dining table, “Bobby, give me that, it’s cold, let me heat it up for ya,” he offered.

She shook her head, digging in, “it’s fine,” she countered.

Tora frowned, why was she trying to hang on to a cold meal? Was she that hungry? “Just let me take it, I’ll get ya another plate in a minute.”

Poppy took another bite, he was right, it would have been better warm, should have just waited and let him warm it up. “I like this one Tora, it’s fine. No need for another.” She lied, too stubborn to admit she had been wrong.

He sighed and sat down with her, whatever. If she wanted to eat a cold meal together than fine, he didn’t really give a shit. He’d eaten tons of meals cold. They ate in silence for a few moments before he spoke, “Halloween baby eh?”

She looked up and nodded at him, elated by the twinkle in his eye, “is that a yes?”

He smirked and nodded, “I just want ya to be happy sweetheart and if the doctors say it's ok then I guess it's okay.”

** October 31st **

“What the hell are ya doing Bobby?” Tora asked, his head cocked to the side as he watched his wife hold a shoulder stand on their mattress, her toes pointed to the ceiling.

Poppy looked over at her husband, giggling as he stood bewildered in their bedroom doorway, having just returned from the washroom. “It’s probably a myth but I read online when we were trying back in July that it helps the semen get where it needs to go,” she explained.

Tora shrugged and pulled on a pair of underwear, crawling into bed beside her, clicking on the tv. He navigated to Netflix and began to click through the scary movies, trying to find one they hadn’t seen yet. “Ya gonna do this every time?” he asked, eyes on the screen.

“Yup, my tracking app says my fertile window will last till the sixth, so we're doing this every night this week bruh,” she teased.

He shook his head in amusement, “you’re ridiculous, there’s no way this is a real thing, you’re pulling my leg,” he insisted, glancing at her, more than a little impressed she was still holding the pose. She really had been working on strength building, especially in her core. The yoga was helping.

She grinned at him, “you’re probably right but it makes me feel good to think I might be doing something to help. Gives me back some control you know?”

“Whatever makes ya happy makes me happy sweetheart,” he teased, clicking on the title ‘Night of the Living Dead’. They’d seen it many times but it was a classic, he knew she liked it and it was Halloween so who gave a fuck. He looked over to see her grinning as she finally lowered her feet back towards the bed.

“Pause it Tora, I don’t wanna miss any of it, I’ll be right back,” she instructed, hopping off the bed, heading towards the bathroom.

** November 14th **

She was late. Poppy lowered her book to her chest and stared up at the ceiling. She was _late_. Only by a few days, but still. She had been trying not to get her hopes up, certain that her period was coming. There was no way she and Tora had actually succeeded in conceiving this quickly. There was no point in playing mind games with herself. She’d forced herself to wait. Told herself to give it till Friday morning and if she didn’t have it by then, she’d allow herself to take a test. It was just after nine pm on Thursday night. She knew the time because she’d just gotten up to go to the bathroom a few minutes ago and there still hadn’t been any blood.

She was starting to feel giddy. She was doing her best to stamp it down but she couldn’t help feeling like this might actually be happening. The idea that she may in fact be pregnant had her feeling absolutely elated.

~ ~ ~

Tora yawned as he turned the key in the lock and let himself into the apartment. It was a little after eleven and he’d just finished work. He was exhausted; he wasn’t a fan of having to chase people. He wasn’t as young as he used to be and his decade and a handful of years smoking was starting to take its toll on his lungs. He sighed, Poppy had already told him he was going to have to quit when their someday baby was born. He’d decided last week to adopt the same attitude towards quitting that she had towards baby making. Why the fuck wait? Quitting was a process wasn’t it? Might take a while to make it stick? Might as well start trying now, he doubted a screaming baby would make quitting very easy on him anyways. Probably best to kick the habit before that was a part of his life.

He toed off his shoes and turned the lock behind him, wandering into their bedroom, a little surprised to find she was still up, reading in bed. “Don’t ya have to work tomorrow sweetheart?” he asked, stripping out of his clothes.

She nodded, “yeah, good book though, can’t put it down,” she muttered, her nose buried between the paperback’s covers.

“I’m gonna shower,” he told her, retreating from the room.

Poppy smiled, setting her book down. In truth, she’d read the same paragraph six times and visited the washroom every fifteen minutes since she’d first started the anxiety riddled habit at nine. Still no blood. She wanted to tell Tora but didn’t want to worry or excite him over nothing. There was always the possibility she could get her period while she slept. Hell she’d even put on a pair of granny panties and a pad when she’d gotten ready for bed, just to be safe.

She wanted to be realistic about this; she was terrified of having her hope squashed and was logically trying to do everything she could to prepare herself for the harsh blow, if the test came up negative in the morning or if there was blood in her underwear when she woke. Her heart wasn’t listening to her head though. Insisting this was it. That she was pregnant, that she should listen to her body and the slight tenderness that had been developing the last few days in her breasts. After all, her body wouldn’t lie to her right? It had tried desperately to warn her brain something was wrong the last time and where had all her logic gotten her then? Almost bled out on the other side of the world, that’s where. She was inclined to go with her heart and her body this time. She pressed her palm to her abdomen over the covers. If there was a little someone in there, she was going to find out tomorrow. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm done making guesses as to when I will complete this story. It was supposed to be a two week project. I'm starting to suspect it will take me a long time to get it all out even though I only have a handful of chapters left. I will finish it though. I'm determined. Thank you for staying with me on this one. I promise I won't abandon it. The process on this one is just different, when I sit down to write I can usually bang out a chapter at a time minimum (like in 30min -hour). This one though, it's like I'll write a paragraph and then get up and do a ton of other stuff then I'll come back a day or two later and bang out four or five pages (average chapter length is 20pgs on this one). Sometimes I open this file and just stare at the screen and think, 'not today' and start a completely different story as an excuse. Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say is: sorry for such a chaotic update schedule if you're someone who is actually invested in this story. Your commentary and the fact you return to this story still, makes writing it worthwhile to me. So, you know. Thanks ♥


	7. Broken Promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy ending is coming. Only three chapters to go. Maybe two if I can fit it all into just two. I've got another long fic all plotted out along with soundtrack that I know will be easy and quick to write. I wanna start it but I promised myself I won't until I finish Missing Pieces. Once again thanks for sticking with me on this one and all the encouraging commentary. I'm almost there. 
> 
> Songs:  
> Golden Hour – Kasey Musgroves   
> Better With You – Jessie McCartney  
> From Eden - Hozier

**CHAPTER 7**

** November 15th **

Poppy tossed and turned so much in the early hours of the morning she was surprised she hadn’t woken Tora. She’d managed to get only a few hours of sleep she was so anxious. She rolled over and stared at her digital clock for the seventeenth time that morning. It was 5:50am. She’d been looking over at it periodically since 2:38am. 5:50am sounded good enough to her. As quietly as she could, she snuck from her bed and tiptoed to the washroom pulling her unused summer pregnancy test from below the bathroom sink. She read the instructions carefully and checked the date on the package, assuring herself it was still good. Then she nervously took her seat and tucked the pee stick between her legs.

What followed were the most nerve wracking minutes of her life. She breathed deeply and exhaled slowly, over and over. Keeping her eyes closed so she wouldn’t be tempted to just stare at the test. She was either pregnant or she wasn’t. Either way, she was alive and her and Tora were good right now. She had an amazing family. The unparalleled love of a wonderful man. A good job, a circle of great friends, financial security, a pretty nice apartment if she didn’t mind tooting her own horn. Life was good and…fuck. She frowned. Despite all of that, she knew if the test came up negative she’d be decimated emotionally. She’d let her excitement run away with her too much the last few hours. She sighed and cracked an eye, reaching for the test with one outstretched hand. _Please be positive, please be positive, please be positive!_ Both eyes flew open wide as she gawked at the stick.

She was PREGNANT!!!! **_PREGNANT_**! She covered her mouth with her opposite hand to prevent herself from squealing and alerting Tora to their news. She wanted to do something cute for him not just blurt it out. She needed to tell someone though! This was so exciting! This was so, so, so, her face fell as she moved her hand from her mouth to her belly, this was _terrifying_. Her breathing skittered to a stop, flash backs of pain clouded her mind as she grew cold. Wandering cobblestone streets pain searing through her abdomen, a chipped ceiling and crying babies, all the _pain_ , all the _blood._ She shook her head and forced herself to breathe. She closed her eyes and fought off her rising feelings of panic. This time would be different. Everything would be fine. She was going to do everything right. Her child was going to _live_ this time. She’d make sure of it. Nothing was more precious to her than the life in her belly. _Ectopic_ her mind screamed at her. Right. She had to make sure her baby was in the right spot this time.

Standing, Poppy tucked the pregnancy test into her vanity drawer and tip toed back into her bedroom, pulling on a pair of jeans and a sweater as quietly as she could. She was detaching her phone from its charging cord when Tora spoke. “Why ya sneakin’ around?”

Poppy jumped at the sound of his voice, _don’t tell him, don’t tell him, don’t tell him._ She reminded herself. Not yet. It took everything in her not to word vomit all over him. They didn’t usually keep secrets from each other. Especially not something as big as this and especially not after what happened in Europe. She was going to tell him, tonight; after work. Once she had a cute and exciting way to share the news with him. Everything was going to go her way this time. Just the way she wanted; including telling him. She was going to make sure it was a happy memory for him. Not one filled with worry for her. She needed to talk to Basim first. “Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you. I’m going to work early. I can’t sleep. Go back to sleep baby.” She whispered, slipping her phone into her butt pocket before grabbing a pair of socks.

Tora eyed her suspiciously, “ya know ya can talk to me when ya have your nightmares. Ya don’t have to run away.” He groused, “I know we’re still workin’ on shit but I’m always here for ya sweetheart.” He offered heartbrokenly.

Poppy crawled over the bed, pressing a kiss to his mouth as she wrapped her arms around him. “No nightmare today. Promise. Just can’t sleep and have a lot of work to do today,” she told him sincerely, her to do list lengthening by the minute. “I love you and I do count on you. Don’t ever doubt it,” she reassured him, kissing him again before pulling herself out of the bed. “Please be home for dinner tonight okay. I’m gonna make you something special.” She tossed over her shoulder, heading back to bathroom to brush her teeth and grab the test.

“Yeah okay. Have a good day sweetheart!” he called after her.

~ ~ ~

Poppy drove straight to Quincey’s unable to contain her excitement. She needed to tell someone. She’d dialed Basim’s office the minute she’d gotten in the car. Unsurprisingly, she’d gotten an answering machine. She’d left a message informing them she was pregnant and to call her back right away.

Poppy banged on Quincey’s door incessantly as she pressed her phone to her ear, listening to the ringing. He picked up and she stopped banging, “are _you_ at my door honey? What’s all this about? Is Tora okay?” his voice came through her phone, growing more panicked by the second.

“Everything is fine; I’m just here to drop off your journal,” Poppy lied, “come open the damn door.” She ordered.

The door swung open a moment later; Quincey greeted her wearing a cheetah print bathrobe a head of dishevelled hair and a sour expression. “Honey, you are not here at 6:30 in the morning to just drop off my notebook. What the hell is wrong?” He admonished her.

Poppy grinned at him, “here,” she said, holding his journal out to him. It had been in her car for the last few days. She’d been forgetting to return it to him and it had struck her as the way to surprise him on the way over.

Quincey rolled his eyes and accepted it, beckoning her inside. There was a lump tucked into the seam of the journal. He moved to open it and hand her back her pen, “here honey you forgo-” Quincey stared down at the pregnancy test in his hand, his sentence stuttering to a stop before veering hard to a new train of thought. “Jesus Poppylan. Are you serious?” he breathed, his eyes wide with shock. Poppy bit her lip, tears springing to her eyes as she nodded her head. She wasn’t sure if they were happy tears or nervous tears as they spilled down over her cheeks. Quincey glanced up at her and assessed her carefully. “You don’t know how to feel about this? Does Tora know? How long have you known?”

Poppy shrugged, “I’m elated and terrified. He doesn’t know yet and about a half hourish.”

Quincey cocked a brow at her and threw his arms out wide, inviting her in for a hug. “I’m happy for you,” he told her as he embraced her, “don’t keep it from him for too long. Both your conflicting emotions are valid. I’m happy for you. I know how much you’ve wanted this.” He whispered lovingly into her ear.

Poppy cried harder as he held her, tangling her fingers into the silk material of his bathrobe, “I need your help,” she mumbled against his chest.

“Oh?” he asked, pushing her away from him, holding her at arm’s length.

She grinned at him, “help me brainstorm a cute way to tell him.”

He beamed back at her, “oh honey yasss.”

~ ~ ~

Poppy’s knee bounced impatiently as her eyes leaped back and forth between her email and the clock on the lower right hand side of her screen. The minutes were moving too slowly. It was nine eighteen but it felt like a whole day had already passed between her early morning discovery and now. Waiting for 6pm was going to be an excruciating exercise on her patience, she just knew it. She jumped when her cellphone rang; she lunged for it, picking it up before the second ring. “Hello?” she greeted breathlessly.

“Hello? Poppylan? This is Katie from Dr. Basim’s office.” The disembodied voice replied.

“Yes, yes, this is she. Thank you for returning my call,” she replied nervously.

“Of course. Congratulations by the way. Now, the first thing we’re going to need you to do is come here and have your blood taken. We’re going to take a blood sample every forty eight hours over the next week or so to make sure your levels are rising normally.”

“Sorry, levels?”

“Yes, your hGC levels are what indicate if you’re pregnant or not and how the pregnancy is coming along. A healthy pregnancy is indicated by hGC levels that double every 48 hours.” Katie explained.

“Oh, right. And if they’re low?”

“Well what was the first day of your last menstrual period?”

“October 21st.”

Katie was silent a moment as Poppy listened to her clack the buttons on her keyboard. “You’re very early. Let’s just make sure you don’t have a false positive on that test first and then we’ll discuss your levels okay?”

“Uh, okay.” Poppy replied, feeling utterly deflated. She hadn’t even thought at all about a false positive.

~ ~ ~

Poppy held her breath and turned her head away as the nurse at the clinic drew her blood over her lunch hour. “There, all done. Not a fan of needles are you?” the woman asked, amusement evident in her eyes as she taped a cotton ball over the puncture wound.

Poppy shrugged, “used to be terrified of them. Had so many in the last little while though I’m over it. I just don’t like looking at the blood.” She explained as she rolled down her sleeve.

The nurse nodded sympathetically, “well, your results will be ready in about two hours and then Katie will give you a call.”

Poppy nodded and smiled, “thanks.”

~ ~ ~

Poppy clenched the phone in her hand so tightly her fingers were growing white as she picked up her second call of the day from Basim’s office. “This is Poppylan.”

“Hey Poppy, it’s Katie. Your hGC is sitting at 54 so you _are_ pregnant. Congrats! We’re going to have you come back in on Monday for your second draw okay. Can you try to come around the same time of day?”

Poppy nodded into the phone for a moment before remembering Katie couldn’t see her, “yes, yes, of course. Uh, can you uh, give me an idea of due date? I want to surprise my husband.”

Katie was silent a long moment, “I can give you an estimation but please remember that due dates are not set in stone, they are subject to change and normally we don’t give them out before your first ultrasound which we’re going to book you in for at six weeks okay? Normally we don’t do that until eight weeks but due to your medical history we’re going to do it a little early okay?”

“Yes, yes, of course, what’s the due date?” Poppy breathed, wanting to know when she’d get to meet her baby.

“Well, right now, based on your October 21st menstruation, your due date is July 27th.”

Poppy’s jaw grew slack, her phone slipping from her fingers, tumbling to the floor. She recovered a second later, reaching for the phone; she pulled it back to her ear. “I’m sorry can you please repeat that, I think I misheard you.” She mumbled.

“Your projected due date is July 27th,” Katie repeated.

Poppy nodded numbly, “okay, thanks I’ll be there Monday. Have a great day.” She said before hanging up the phone. She set it down on her desk and stared off into space for a long moment before pressing her hand to her abdomen. What the hell were the chances? She grinned. She wasn’t religious. Hell she wasn’t even sure she believed in a higher power at all but she did believe in fate, destiny; that the dots were connected. She didn’t believe in sheer coincidence; especially not one like this.

~ ~ ~

She left work early that day and drove to Oshkosh, she took her time perusing the store, fingering baby clothing lovingly, imagining her someday child in all the adorable outfits, waiting for something to jump out at her. She knew it when she saw them; a pair of unisex slip on running shoes. They were adorable and had yellow dinosaur print on them. Tora would love them. _She_ loved them. She began sorting through the sizes but couldn’t find any in a size smaller than 24 months. She frowned. She’d hoped to pick up a 3-6 month pair. The 24 month ones were quite a bit larger than she’d planned. Oh well. She’d just have to buy a bigger tin than originally intended. The shoes were too perfect not to buy.

Poppy grinned to herself as she packed her trunk. She had everything she needed. Now it was time to go home and put it all together. She couldn’t wait to tell Tora.

~ ~ ~

Tora closed the door behind him and toed off his shoes, “I’m home Bobby, what’s this surprise?” he called to her, hanging his keys on the wall beside him as he pulled off his sweater and hung it in their front closet.

“Come in here and find out,” her giddy voice called to him from the kitchen.

He meandered in, eyeing the spread she’d laid out on the table for him. Steak dinner and a large Christmas cookie tin next to his plate. “Damn Bobby, ya made me your chocolate chip Christmas cookie early this year?” He asked with a grin, planting a kiss on her cheek.

Poppy smiled, “Oh I’m making you something alright,” she teased, setting her phone up discreetly to capture his reaction.

Tora was already moving towards the tin, so focused on cookies he missed her verb tense. He lifted the tin lid and pushed aside the green tissue paper inside. He was met with a large piece of white cardstock; a small gold heart decorated the front of it. He picked it up and stared down at the baby shoes and the positive pregnancy test glaring back up at him. His heart stopped for a moment as he urged his brain to function. She was pregnant? _Poppy_ was pregnant? Poppylan was fucking **_PREGNANT_**? He spun on her, his eyes wide, his mouth hanging open. “Confirmed?” was all that came out of his mouth.

She nodded and pointed at the cardstock in his hand, “read it,” she urged.

He flipped the card over in his hand, and blinked down at her scrolled handwriting:

_Dear Daddy,_

_You had to say goodbye last July 27 th, but this July 27th you get to meet ME!_

_Because…our family is growing by one heartbeat and two perfect little feet <3_

_I love you Tora, and I can’t wait to do this adventure with you._

_Love,_

_Your wife and her second heartbeat_

Tora just gapped at her. “The 27th,” he breathed.

Poppy nodded, “yeah, I didn’t believe it either when they told me but that’s our due date.”

He just stared at her too stunned to speak. “Poppy, I-I-”

She hugged him, wrapping her arms around his torso, “I know. I’m conflicted too but mostly happy. Everything’s going to be fine this time.” She told him, hoping if she said it enough she’d stop worrying so much. She’d only known about the life growing in her belly for twelve hours and she knew her anxiety wasn’t a good thing for her baby. She needed to be calm, healthy and happy.

He set down the note and wrapped his arms around her, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “I want to be optimistic like you but I’m a realist Poppy and I’m scared shitless right now. How long before we know if it’s ectopic again?” He asked.

She squeezed him, “think happy thoughts Tora. The end of July we’re going to have a beautiful healthy baby in our arms. Don’t curse us.” She mumbled against his chest.

Tora smirked as he held her, she was so damn cute, “alright Bobby, how long before we find out it’s in your womb this time?” he rephrased his question, hoping it would please her.

“Tuesday December third is our first ultrasound. I’m having my blood taken again on Monday to make sure my hGC levels are rising okay and then again on Wednesday. Low levels can indicate ectopics but I’m hoping everything will be fine this time.” She explained what she’d researched online after talking to Katie earlier that day on the phone.

Tora smiled and squeezed her again, please she had medical support this time and nothing would be a surprise. “So, is it a Halloween baby?” he teased.

She smirked and snorted, “No such luck, date of conception was estimated at November fourth.”

Tora laughed and released her, maneuvering her into her chair before pushing it into the table. “How long have ya known?” he asked her as he took his seat.

She beamed at him, “I took the test this morning, it took everything in me not to tell you.”

He cocked a brow at her, “Is that why ya ran off this morning? Why didn’t ya just tell me?”

Her face fell for just a moment, “I wanted it to be happy news, I wanted to come up with a special way to tell you, to uh, make up for how awful the uh…last time was.” She explained dejectedly.

Tora nodded and picked up his utensils, not wanting to think about the last time he’d been told she was pregnant. “We’re in Narin this time. With doctors we trust that speak our language. You’re going to be fine love.” He said, not sure if he was saying it more for her sake, or his own.

** November 20th **

“Well Poppylan, Dr. Abu Rafea has gone over your numbers and he says we’re good to go ahead with the December third ultra sound date. Friday you came in at 54, Monday you were at 147 and today you came in at 322. He says he has no reason to suspect you’re having anything other than a healthy pregnancy at the moment but we’ll know better on the third when we see a heartbeat.” Katie explained to a breathless Poppy as she sat in her car, a hand pressed to her abdomen.

“Thank you,” Poppy bit out, relieved tears leaking from the corners of her eyes. The last few days had been anxiety ridden as she flip flopped between euphoria and nerve wracking apprehension.

“Of course, see you then,” Katie reassured her, a smile in her voice.

** November 30th **

Poppy’s brows pinched together in surprised discomfort as she tried to tune herself into what was happening in her abdomen. It was the strangest sensation. It was a little uncomfortable but not the least bit unwelcome. She’d been feeling it on and off the last week or so. She’d downloaded an app on her phone to track her baby’s growth and was enjoying her updates, detailing its progress and developmental mile stones. She knew from an article she’d read off the app that what she was feeling was her uterus expanding, stretching with the growing fetus. She grinned, “you go ahead and make as much room as you need it there. I don’t mind. I’m tough, I can take it,” she whispered in her empty car.

She’d taken to talking to her baby anytime she found herself alone; hoping that like her plants, loving words might help her baby grow healthy and strong. It also helped to keep her positive about her second pregnancy. _So far, so good_. Tora had been over the top protective of her since she’d informed him of their good news but she didn’t mind. She knew it was his own special way of demonstrating his anxiety. She frowned. She wished she had a way to show him how different it felt this time. What she was feeling was nothing like the last time. She turned up the radio as Jessie McCartney’s ‘Better With You’ came over her speakers. She hummed along with it. It made her think of Tora and the baby in her belly. “We’re both gonna be better with you little one,” she cooed, placing her hand gently over her belly, the other on the steering wheel. “Daddy’s just having trouble seeing it right now because he can’t _feel_ you the way I can.” She whispered, a smile playing across her lips. She was looking forward to when Tora would be able to feel their child moving in her belly with his hand. “He just needs a few more months. For now you’re all mama’s.” She joked.

** December 3rd **

Poppy and Tora stared at the ladybug baby photo as they sat in the waiting room. This time instead of sadness, Poppy felt only nervousness. This was it. She’d done a fair amount of research and called Basim’s office so many times she was certain Katie must be sick of hearing her voice by now. She had thanked the woman for being so patient with her when they’d arrived this morning. Yup. Today was the big day. She only had a 4% chance of miscarriage if they saw a heartbeat today. She had been doing her best mentally the last two days to prepare herself for the worst possible news. She was nervous. So was Tora, she could tell from the way his knee was bouncing and his fingers were digging into her thigh.

Tora blinked at the photo he’d wanted to burn the last time they had been here. Now, when he looked at it, his heart just felt heavy. It’s was god damn adorable and he still hated it. He was optimistically hopeful for today but he was still nervous. Good things didn’t happen to him very often. Usually when life was going his way, it didn’t last very long. Things were going to go to shit. He just knew it. He wasn’t lucky enough to think otherwise. It was just the way things went. He had no control of any of this and it was driving him nuts. He felt extremely protective over the life growing in his wife’s belly and at the same time felt furious at it for causing her so much anxiety. Poppy was religious about her routine now. She got up at the same time every day, ate the ‘healthy’ breakfasts he made for her based on the very strict diet she’d set for herself and worked out every day before coming home. She drank her water, took her prenatals and had even cut out the majority of her sugar and _all_ of her caffeine intake. Hell, she turned down invitations to hang out with her friends and family in the evenings to make sure she got the recommended hours of sleep for healthy fetal development. Every decision and action she took throughout the day was made with their child at the forefront of her mind. He in turn, made every single one of his day to day decisions was made with her feelings and mental health in mind. She was taking things a little too far in his personal opinion.

She was losing touch with what it meant to be Poppy and was fully embracing her new title of ‘mom’. He understood why, but he didn’t like it and he was worried about how she was going to react today if things weren’t…positive. Hell, he was afraid how _he_ was going to react. He felt sick to his stomach. Poppy was right. He did want this. Fuck. He glanced over at her as her hand came down to rest on his thigh; attempting to still its nervous bouncing. “Sorry,” he whispered, freezing at her touch.

She smiled at him, “It’s fine. I’m nervous too, if this goes well though, we’re pretty much in the clear. Well, mostly. Twelve weeks. If we make it through the first trimester we should be okay. Things can go wrong at any stage but the chances drop off significantly after the first trimester. I’ve only got a 4% chance of miscarriage if we see heartbeat today.” She informed him.

He nodded at her, not wanting to point out how many times she’d already relayed that information. It was at least the fifth, maybe the seventh she’d spouted off those statistics to him.

“Poppylan?” A nurse called and they both rose to their feet, the nurse led them into a changing room. “Okay, everything below the waist off, wrap a sheet around you.” She pointed at the stack of medical sheets to Poppy’s right and then at the light above the door. “That will light up green when they’re ready for you. Just go through the other door when it goes off.” She explained; pointing at the door opposite the door they’d entered through. Poppy nodded and the woman closed the door behind her, leaving Poppy and Tora alone. He leaned against the wall as Poppy undid her pants, pushing them and her underwear off her hips. He reached out to steady her as she wobbled on one foot, pulling her skinny jeans off her ankle. “Careful sweetheart,” he teased.

She giggled, “can’t help it, my balance has gone to shit the last few weeks. Side effect of pregnancy nobody tells you about.” She replied with amusement.

Tora cocked a brow, that one was new to him, “since when?”

She shrugged, “just noticed lately I’m having trouble holding my yoga poses. Looked it up to make sure it was normal. Turns out your body releases a chemical that relaxes your muscles when you’re pregnant in an effort to make all the physical changes easier on the body. Side effect is poor balance. I’m working on it though.” She told him.

He smirked at her, “I don’t mind holding ya up and are ya sure that’s a pregnancy thing and not just a Poppy thing? You’ve always been a bit of a klutz.” He teased. She grinned at his joke as she folded her pants and panties before handing them to him, grabbing a sheet off the shelf. “Can I keep these or do I have to give them back later?” He asked; her lavender panties hanging off his index finger, a brow arched in amusement.

She laughed, and rolled her eyes, as the light over her head turned green, “perv.” She reprimanded in amusement before opening the door and stepping through into the large examination room. A chair with stirrups sat at the far end, a large screen and ultrasound machine set up beside it. A female doctor she’d never met was standing in front of it.

“Up on the chair please,” the strange woman directed. Poppy nodded and did as she was told as Tora stood to the side of the chair. He watched as Poppy spread her legs and assumed the position the doctor directed her into before inserting the transvaginal wand into her. All three people studied the screen as Poppy squeezed Tora’s free hand.

A long moment of silence passed in the room before the doctor smiled and pointed at a dark spot on the screen. “See that? That’s your baby,” the woman informed the pregnant couple, “and that,” she pointed at an even darker spot on the screen that appeared to be pulsing, “that’s your baby’s heartbeat.”

Poppy broke under the weight of her relief, tears flowing freely as she sobbed, a wide grin spreading over Tora’s face as she squeezed his hand tightly. “Ya hear that Bobby, our baby’s right where it belongs.” He murmured, bending down to kiss her forehead, his words making her bawl harder. It was the first time he’d called their child a _baby_. Prior to this he’d always just called their child an ‘it’.

The rest of the appointment was a daze to Poppy. Their next ultra sound was December seventeenth. She had the ultrasound image in her fingers as she couldn’t stop staring at it. Her _baby_. She was looking at her baby! She wanted to call her Granny and finally share the good news. Not telling anyone was killing her. Only Tora and Quincey knew and although Quincey was wonderful she desperately wanted to gush about her pregnancy with her Granny. Not yet though. She had a plan. Christmas. She’d be ten weeks by then and have a better picture. Right now her baby looked like a blob. A cute blob, but still a blob, she wasn’t even sure if she was looking at it right. She knew where the heart was but she couldn’t tell if the baby was upside down or the right way up. It didn’t matter. She loved it. “Look Tora,” she said, shoving the image in his face as he pulled out of the clinic parking lot.

Tora smirked at her and grabbed her wrist, gently lowering her hand out of his field of vision, his other hand still on the steering wheel. “I see it sweetheart. I’m happy. Honest.” He told her, studying the brilliance of her smile. His Poppy was back. Her face wasn’t tempered with apprehension. No, she was truly happy for the first time in almost six months. He was more than happy. He was ecstatic. His child was safe and growing healthy and strong and his wife was _happy_ , her smile unguarded. Life was good and he couldn’t help but share in her joy. Seeing that little heartbeat throbbing inside her was the first time he allowed himself to acknowledge that this was happening. His wife was pregnant with his child. He was going to be a _father_.

~ ~ ~

That night, Tora held his wife close, his hand splayed wide over her belly as he pressed kisses to her neck and shoulder, muttering words of love and appreciation in her ear. He thanked her for giving him a home, for giving him her love and now for blessing him with a child. Poppy grinned the entire time, feeling lighter than she had in months. Her baby was strong. Like _her_ , like it’s _father_. She was going to bring life into the world and cradle it in her arms one day, like she was meant to. _Finally, things are looking up,_ she thought to herself before thanking Tora back for his love, his commitment, his understanding and his willingness to take this step forward with her even though it scared him shitless.

** December 13th **

Poppy strolled the aisles of the boutique she’d wandered into off the street. It was eclectic and very cute; she liked the art on the walls and the knickknacks that littered the shelves. She had an hour to kill before her check up with Victoria and the nightlight in the window had caught her attention as she walked by. Making her way over to the display, she picked up the nightlight and gazed at it lovingly, her eyes filling with tears. She’d promised herself she wouldn’t buy anything for the baby until she made it past the first trimester. She’d _promised Tora_ she wouldn’t as well. She pressed her palm to her abdomen and closed her eyes, focusing on the sensations of her body, hoping to feel the pinching pulling sensation she’d come to love so much in the last few weeks. Feeling nothing, Poppy opened her eyes and glanced down at the nightlight again, biting her lip in indecision. It was beautiful, a light baby blue rectangle with stars and the moon cut out of it, the words: ‘Twinkle, twinkle little star, do you know how loved you are?’ etched into it. Reluctantly, she set it down, promising herself she’d come back in a few weeks for it.

She made it out of the shop and forty feet down the street before she promptly about turned and rushed back into the shop, purchasing the nightlight along with a picture frame designed for an ultrasound photo that said: ‘we made a wish & you came true’. Tora wouldn’t be impressed with her but she didn’t care. The items spoke to her, pulling on her heartstrings, she was meant to have them. Her child was meant to have them. She knew they were.

~ ~ ~

Victoria arched an amused brow at Poppy as she finished taking her weight, blood pressure and handed her a urine sample bottle. “Poppy, for the hundredth time, everything looks good, stop panicking.” She teased.

Poppy nodded, “sorry, can’t help it. I’m just nervous. After what happened…I can’t tell you how much this means to me. I’m desperate to share the news with my family. Tora thinks we should wait though.” She explained.

Victoria shrugged, “your eight week ultrasound is later this week isn’t it?” when Poppy nodded, she continued, “well as long as that indicates healthy growth I’d say it would be safe to tell your family over Christmas if you want to.” She offered.

Poppy frowned, “I thought I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone until after twelve weeks?”

Victoria shrugged again, “honestly it’s up to you. Lots of women don’t share until they can’t hide that they’re pregnant anymore. Twelve weeks is the standard, but lots of women also announce the minute they get a positive test. It depends on what your comfort level is. In my medical opinion though, your hcg levels are strong, you’re healthy, eating well, exercising…nothing is ever guaranteed but I don’t foresee any issues. It’s up to you.” She reasoned.

Poppy beamed at her, “I bought some baby stuff today.”

Victoria smirked at her, “I’m happy for you Poppylan. Now go fill that up for me,” she instructed, gesturing at the urine container in Poppy’s hand.

** December 17th **

Poppy closed her eyes and held her breath, her fingers tightening on Tora’s as the ultrasound technician inserted the vaginal wand. Tora watched her face and not the screen; it was twisted up in anxiety. He was deeply worried about what the stress of the pregnancy was doing to his wife. If anything, her obsession over the last two weeks had gotten worse. He would swear she must look at the fetal development app on her phone just shy of a hundred times a day, sharing what it was telling her with him at every opportunity. He listened attentively, finding the information fascinating but the repetitiveness worrying. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen her write or paint. Hell, he couldn’t even remember the last time she read a book that wasn’t directly related to work or pregnancy.

“Everything looks good, heartbeat is strong. I’m just going to take a few pictures.” The tech informed them, her eyes glued to the screen as she manoeuvered the wand inside her patient.

Poppy exhaled the breath she’d been holding, her lips curling into a bright smile. “Did you hear her Tora! We’re in the clear!” She gasped excitedly.

He nodded at her, “yeah Poppy, I heard her.” He told her, a wide grin on his face. The happy couple were so enthralled with each other they missed the small frown that crossed Tasha’s face as she withdrew the wand. Tasha kept her mouth closed. Most likely, things would turn out just fine for the couple. She’d been working at the clinic too long to support the woman’s short sighted sentiment though; she’d seen women lose children at every point of development. In fact, she’d had the unfortunate task of confirming a fetal death two weeks prior to expected delivery only earlier that morning. Nothing was ever guaranteed. She hoped for the sake of the couple sitting with her that their baby would remain healthy. Giving bad news was the worst part of her job.

** December 25th **

Poppy grinned widely at her grandmother as Tora waved for the two women to stand closer together. She was so excited she was giddy! Keeping her secret was killing her; she couldn’t wait to see her Granny’s reaction; to share her happiness with her. “Alright ladies,” Tora said with a smile, tapping the record button on his phone, “say: Poppy’s pregnant!” he instructed happily.

Granny grinned at the camera of his phone for a moment until what he had uttered fully processed. “What?” she breathed, turning to look at her granddaughter, “Really? Are you serious?” Poppy nodded, beaming at her, “WAH!! Oh friggin fantastic!!” Granny cried, throwing her arms around her granddaughter. “Oh my goodness Poppy! Congratulations! That’s wonderful, I’m so happy for you!” She babbled, her eyes crinkling as tears sprung at their corners.

~ ~ ~

Tora held Poppy’s hand in his lap as she cuddle next to him on her grandmother’s sofa and regaled her Granny with every tidbit of information she’d been withholding since the morning she’d taken the test. He was happy. Content. He loved Christmas with her family. It made him feel a sense of warmth and belonging he’d never had before meeting her. Sure, he’d grown up watching Quincey receive gifts, and later in life Quincey had showered him with gifts but sitting down to a family dinner and then just spending time together in front of the fire afterwards was his favourite part. He could give a shit about gifts. It was the closeness, the togetherness, the acceptance that he craved.

He smiled to himself as Poppy prattled on excitedly, already discussing the following Christmas with her Granny. Where they would put the highchair, how excited she was to play Santa Claus for the first time. How she couldn’t wait to buy a monogrammed stocking for their child like she had for him their first Christmas together.

Granny encouraged her, asking if they’d picked out names, suggesting matching outfits for their and Danny’s babies, asking if she’d thought about a theme for their nursery yet. Poppy was firmly set on dinosaurs, no matter what sex the child turned out to be. She entertained a thousand questions, telling her Granny about the dinosaur shoes and that once they were nearing the end of the second trimester, she would start designing the nursery around the shoes. Tora smirked in amusement, the night sky and dinosaurs, that’s what she’d decided on. Dinosaurs for his obsession with them as a boy, and the stars for the night they’d spent at Regina’s Peak, gazing at the sky, the night he’d gifted her his bracelet and ring. He gazed down at the ring hanging securely around her neck lovingly as he squeezed her hand tighter. He was going to be a father. He secretly admitted to himself he was as elated as she was. Her excitement and happiness was infectious.

**January 4th**

Poppy gazed down at the tissue she’d just wiped with in shock, a cold sick feeling travelling up the length of her spine. There was a small amount of blood on the tissue. Reaching for her phone, she immediately typed: blood & first trimester. She clicked on the first result and began scrolling, her heart in her throat.

Tora navigated through Netflix lazily, one arm folded behind his head as he reclined back on his bed. Poppy was in the bathroom, preparing for bed. She’d asked him to pick a movie while he waited. He heard the toilet flush down the hall and then frowned when she entered the room a moment later, a pensive look on her face. “Everything okay love?” he asked, immediately on alert for any sign of distress from his sensitive wife.

Tears welled in Poppy’s eyes as her gaze met his, “there was…blood…just now.” She murmured quietly, moving to her side of the bed, breaking eye contact with him.

Tora’s lips pressed into a flat line as he burned a hole into the wall directly in front of him. He was silent for a long moment as Poppy settled onto the bed next to him. “Is that normal?” he inquired hopefully, his eyes fixated on the wall, knowing he was never that lucky.

Her quaking voice reached his ears a moment later, her eyes squeezed closed in the face of the truth that spilled from her mouth. As though, if she shut her eyes hard enough, her ears would somehow block out her words the same way the back of her eyelids were obscuring her vision. “No,” she whispered, “occasional spotting of bright red blood happens. Mine is b-” her voice broke and Tora finally turned to look at her.

“Black?” Tora guessed, knowing full well what old blood looked like. He watched somberly as Poppy bit her lip and nodded, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes. “What does that mean Poppy?” He demanded, not sure he was ready for the answer.

“Something’s wrong Tora,” she gasped, her hands folded tightly over her abdomen as she began to rock herself in the face of her words, “something’s wrong with our ba-” she sucked in a shaky breath. “Baby,” she whispered as her heart shattered in her chest.

~ ~ ~

They drove to the hospital in silence; he dropped her at the emergency room doors before circling around to park the car. When he rejoined her, she was sitting in a waiting chair, her face ashen and devoid of emotion. “Ya check –in sweetheart?” He asked, glancing around the busy waiting room, forcing the panic rising in his chest back down into the pit of his stomach.

She nodded, her eyes fixed on the floor as her fingers worried in the hem of her t-shirt. “Did they give you a wait estimation?” he asked, sinking into the chair next to her, pulling one of her hands into his lap as he laced their fingers together. She shook her head in negation. He frowned, forcing a hopeful note to his voice he didn’t really feel, “Hey now sweetheart, we don’t know anything yet. Everything could be fine.” He suggested weakly.

The eyes she turned on him terrified him. His Poppy had deserted their warm brown depts. In her place was a ghost of a woman, someone hollowed out from the inside out. A heartbeat passed between them before Poppy glanced back down at the floor. “Lying to ourselves will make it worse,” she whispered so quietly he wasn’t sure if he’d imagined it.

~ ~ ~

Poppy stared unseeingly at the tiles under her feet. She’d failed again. Something was wrong, deeply wrong. She replayed every moment over in her head since she’d found out she was pregnant, trying desperately to pinpoint where she’d gone wrong, what she’d done to hurt her child. She could think of nothing though. She’d done everything right. She’d done everything Victoria and Basim had told her too. She’d tracked and double checked every morsel that’d passed her lips. She’d triple checked every exercise she did to make sure it was safe for the baby. Hell, she’d stopped carrying her cellphone on her body for fears of harming the baby with electrical waves. That one had seemed a little farfetched in her opinion but she’d still done it, preferring to be safe rather than sorry. Every single piece of advice she’d consumed she’d followed after checking with her doctors or completing extensive research on the internet. The tile’s diamond pattern blurred as water rushed down her cheeks. This couldn’t be happening. It had to be a nightmare. The cramping hit her a moment later. She was _desolated_. 

** January 5th **

Tora stretched his legs out in front of him, it’d been seven hours. Seven hours in this hell of a waiting room. Poppy had been to the washroom three times, each time she returned she informed him tearfully that the bleeding had gotten heavier. She wasn’t spotting anymore and no one seemed to care. His eye twitched. He’d asked the nurse at the registration desk how much longer it was going to be six times. The fact their child might be dying was apparently of little importance to the hospital and his patience for the injured and sick around them that kept disappearing through the double doors in their stead were pissing him off. The only reason he wasn’t losing his shit was because he knew his wife needed him to be the strong one right now. Every time she came back from the washroom it was like a little piece of her soul had died. She was slipping away from him, retreating in on herself and he was terrified.

Poppy had been through some **_shit_**. Real, awful, traumatic, heart wrenching shit. None of it had affected her quiet like this though. Not even the loss of the ectopic or the near death experience had evoked such a soulless reaction from her. He was beginning to worry that if the doctors informed them of the worst, she might not recover. He gazed down at her in agony, wracking his brain desperately for something to say that might comfort them both. “Poppylan,” he whispered, the syllables of her name on his lips breaking her. There was no hopefulness laced in them, only sad acceptance.

He closed his eyes as the sound of her wailing sobs filled the waiting room. She was ugly crying, hard, the sobs wrenched from the bowels of her soul. The wails unapologetically loud, the thing beating of its own accord in her chest utterly shattered. She wasn’t in denial anymore. She had spent months becoming more attuned to her body. She knew her baby was dying if it wasn’t already dead. She knew she had failed it and Tora. Again. The desolation and devastation she felt was immeasurable. She needed to know, she couldn’t take the waiting any longer. It was going to kill her.

“Excuse me, are you guys ok? Can I help?” The emergency room security guard inquired, feeling forced to investigate under the pressure of the worried patient eyes trained on him from every corner of the room.

Tora opened his mouth to reply that they were fine and his wife just needed a minute with her feelings when Poppy lashed out at the guard viciously. “Can you tell me if my baby has a FUCKING HEARTBEAT?” She screeched. Tora turned to look at her, his mouth hanging open aghast.

The security guard held up his hands, backing away from the couple slowly, “I’m gonna, uh, go talk to the nurse and find someone who can okay?” he offered, fleeing the presence of the woman who’d just bitten his head off as she turned and buried her face in her partner’s shoulder, her wails filling the room once again.

~ ~ ~

` Tora sighed and stared up at the ceiling, Poppy was in the washroom. It was seven am and eight hours since they’d arrived. They still had yet to see a doctor. They had been moved to a private waiting room after Poppy’s outburst. He wasn’t sure if that had made things better or worse for her. She still wasn’t talking to him, that far away detached look fixed firmly on her face. She’d muttered to him a half hour ago when she’d returned from the washroom that she’d bled through her underwear. When he’d suggested he’d go find her a pad so she didn’t bleed through her pyjama pants she’d just shrugged one shoulder in response and stared down at her toes.

Poppy was pretty sure she was in hell. That she’d died in Italy and this was her own special circle of the fiery depths reserved just for her. She could give a shit if she bled through her pants. She could give a shit if she bled all over the floor.

“Poppylan?” A nurse called, “Poppylan?” she repeated when the young woman continued to sit in her seat in a daze. “Miss are you-”

“Yeah, that’s us,” Tora replied, dragging Poppy to her feet so they could follow after the nurse.

“The doctor will see you now,” she said, taking them into an examination room, separated off from the rest of the large open space by hanging curtains. She handed Poppy a hospital robe. “Please put this on. Everything below the waist needs to come off.” She instructed.

Poppy waited until the nurse ducked out behind a curtain before shucking her clothes, sliding the gown up and over her arms. She was just climbing up onto the bed when the doctor yanked back the curtain and stepping into the couple’s space. “Alrighty, chart says you’re pregnant and spotting?” she questioned, already reaching for the ultrasound machine a nurse had wheeled into the space earlier.

“Bleeding. Not spotting.” Poppy corrected monotonely.

The doctor nodded, “well let’s just take a peek alright? Now I’m going to warn you this machine isn’t the best. The good ones are upstairs; don’t be alarmed if I can’t find a heartbeat. It doesn’t mean anything.” She promised.

Poppy eyed her dubiously as the other woman lifted her robe and began pressing against her all too flat abdomen with the gel covered probe. “See that?” the doctor asked, pointing to a blob on the screen, “that’s your baby.”

Poppy remained silent her lips pressed into a flat unyielding line. “Does it have a heartbeat?” Tora demanded for her, annoyed by the doctor’s laisser-faire attitude. He and his wife were falling to pieces over here, convinced their child was dying and to this doctor it appeared like nothing but another Sunday morning to her.

The doctor smiled wistfully at them, “the blood is bright, heavier than I’d like but bright. Spotting is normal. Worry can exacerbate the problem. I’m going to order you an ultrasound in the maternity wing upstairs. Shouldn’t be too much longer, we’ll probably have you in by ten am.” She assured, “Then I’ll be able to tell you definitively what’s going on.” She tossed over her shoulder, already moving on to her next patient. 

~ ~ ~

Tora watched the doctor approach them soberly four hours and one frustrating ultrasound later. The nurses had separated them. A porter had come and wheeled Poppy away from him, promising to return her to him as soon as possible. When she’d come back her gaze had been hollow. She hadn’t said a word to him, just stared at the ceiling as she lay on her back, silent tears streaming down her face. Eventually he’d been able to coax out of her that the ultrasound tech had refused to tell her anything and that they had to wait for the doctor. Her tone of voice had been telling. She believed their child dead. He wasn’t sure he was ready to give up hope just yet, not after how optimistic the doctor had appeared.

He met the doctor’s gaze as she stepped up to Poppy’s bedside. She frowned and rubbed the bridge of her nose for a moment before forcing herself to meet the young woman’s eyes. “I’m so sorry,” she bit out, “for your loss.”

Tora crumbled, his eyes tearing up as Poppy wept. Her worst fear realized. “Thank you for letting us know,” he mumbled, his grief escaping the corners of his eyes.

The doctor nodded sadly, “I’m so sorry, here,” she said, placing a pamphlet and a rock in a small baggie on the bed next to Poppy, “please look at these when you’re ready.”

Tora nodded and leaned down to embrace Poppy, pulling her into him as they both wept. He was brushing the hair out of her eyes when he noticed the doctor was still standing there awkwardly. “There’s more?” he sighed, brushing at his face with the heel of his palm.

The doctor’s lips were a tight line as she nodded curtly. “Your wife suffered a missed miscarriage. The fetus ceased developing just shy of nine weeks… It needs to come out.” She informed them.

Poppy whipped around to face the doctor, her eyes wide with horror and disbelief, strands of her hair stuck to her cheeks. “My baby died before Christmas?” she mumbled. The doctor grimaced and nodded in obvious discomfort. The sound that exited Poppy was hysterical, a mirthless laugh that quickly devolved into helpless broken sobs. The idea that her child had been dead long before she’d celebrated with her family was devastating and warping what was left of her rationality in that moment.

The doctor gazed at Tora, turning her attention away from the broken woman between them, “we’d like her to pass the products of conception naturally if possible. She’d already bleeding so it’s started. When she does miscarry, it will be sudden, painful, and there will be a lot of blood. If at all possible, she should remain home while you wait. It may take a few days. Heavy bleeding is normal but if she goes through more than two pads an hour you need to come back as it means she could be hemorrhaging and in danger. Once it happens, please come back so we can do an ultrasound and make sure all the products of conception have exited her body. If the process can’t be completed naturally we’ll schedule a D&C for her.” She explained solemnly.

Tora frowned. It wasn’t over then? Products of conception? What the fuck? Was that what this woman was calling his child? Products of fucking conception? He rubbed the underside of his nose with the back of his knuckle and sniffled, reigning in his anger before nodding at the woman. “Can I take her home?” he grumbled.

The doctor nodded and handed him her card. “I’ve already processed her discharge papers. Again, I’m so sorry. I didn’t expect-”

“Save it. I’ll call ya when she miscarries.” He muttered, his attention on his wife as he pulled her from the hospital bed, steadying her on her feet. “Shhh sweetheart, let me help ya,” he murmured lovingly as he helped change her back into her pyjamas from the hospital gown. She was silent now; the faraway look in her eyes was back. He pulled her in for a tight hug, his hand on the back of her head as he cradled her to his chest. He kissed the top of her head. “I need ya Poppylan. Don’t go disappearing on me. Please.” He begged, tears leaking from his eyes.

Poppy nodded against his chest and pushed away from him, drying his tears with her thumbs as she cradled his face. “Take me home Tora. I’m tired.” She whispered, “I’m so -” she stopped speaking and pressed her lips together, tilting her head up to the ceiling as she fought off a new wave of tears.

Tora nodded and laced his fingers with hers as he led her out of the hospital and back to the car.

~ ~ ~

Tora handed Poppy two pain killers and a glass of water before he tucked her into bed. “Get some rest.” He counselled, “I’ll be right here when ya wake up. I love you Poppylan.” She nodded and handed him back the water before rolling away from him to stare unseeingly at the wall.

He waited a long moment, hoping to hear her whisper back that she loved him more. When he finally accepted no words would be forthcoming from her, he left the room and sat on the couch in their livingroom. He sat there for a long time before the tears finally started. Losing the baby was devastating, envisioning what Poppy was going to be like after this was terrifying. It wasn’t even over yet. Hemorrhaging? She was in danger of bleeding to death again? He cradled his face in his hands. Why did everything good in his life always have to go to shit?


	8. A New Idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done. I'm editing Chapter 9. It'll be up later this week. Happy Ending Imminent. :)
> 
> Songs:  
> Low by Greyson Chance (this one...on repeat...for like ever.)  
> Be Happy by Dixie D’Amelio (Poppy's emotions)  
> Small Bump by Ed Sheeran (The final kitchen scene)  
> Before You Go by Lewis Capaldi (Tora)  
> Happy Boys and Happy Girls by Aqua (Song Poppy's singing)

** CHAPTER 8  **

** January 6th **

Poppy sat unmoving on the couch, staring at the tv as Tora watched her with concern from the other side of the room. She’d been like this for hours. She refused to eat and she’d refused to take calls from her Granny. He’d made the mistake of informing the old woman of what had transpired. She was understandably worried about her granddaughter and wanted to talk to her. Poppy had flat out refused, saying she didn’t want to talk to anyone. Including him.

She just couldn’t. She couldn’t talk. Not when the world was so backwards. Not when it was so wrong. She kept waiting to wake up. To roll over and crack an eye only for the sun to blind her and for her to feel that wonderful pinching sensation again in her abdomen. Instead, she sat in the dark, with all the blinds drawn. Watching the news. Watching some awful thing happen to someone else, somewhere else. Someone important enough to warrant talking about.

“Poppy, I’m going out for a few hours. I will be back as soon as I can okay? Call me if ya need me alright?” Tora told her as he stood indecisively at the door. He didn’t want to leave her but she was on her last pad and still bleeding. Not to mention they needed groceries. She’d promised him she’d eat something tonight. She hadn’t eaten all day. He was going to make her Oden, and chicken fingers and dynamite rolls, and steak and anything else that might actually tempt her. Fuck it. He’d make her an entire tray of brownies if only she’d take a bite of something. She turned her head to stare at him for a moment in acknowledgement before turning back to the tv.

Tora marched over to her and took the remote, exiting out of the news; he put on one of her favourite movies. “Stop listening to awful shit sweetheart. It’ll just make ya feel worse. I’ll be right back okay?” He told her bending down to press a kiss to her forehead.

~ ~ ~

Tora pulled Poppy into him as he curled himself around her in bed that night. She’d told him sadly over dinner that night that waiting was killing her and she was ready for it all to be over. He’d dropped his fork in response. “I don’t want to kill myself Tora. I just want to stop hurting.” She’d murmured, pushing herself away from the table and the untouched meal he’d made her before she’d disappeared into their bedroom. Tucking herself in at six in the evening. He’d just sighed and cleaned up.

** January 7th **

It was the strangest sensation that woke her, like someone had dropped a pool ball inside her. Like someone dropping something heavy into a pool. The plunk the object made as it hit the bottom of her pelvic floor rattled her awake. Sitting up, Poppy closed her eyes for a moment, willing herself the courage to look. She tossed back the covers a moment later and gazed down at the blood staining her sheets. Silently, she pulled herself from bed and made her way to the washroom. Flicking on the light she pulled down her pyjama pants and her underwear. They stuck to her skin as she peeled them away from her bottom and between her legs. She bit her lip as she took a seat on the toilet. The pain had registered on her commute to the washroom. The flames of her agony lapped at her lower body, stretching from the bottom of her belly button to the tops of her knees.

Tora stared at the ceiling in the dark, having been awoken by Poppy’s movement. When he’d reached for her his hand had landed in a sticky gory mess. He wasn’t sure he was ready for this. He wanted desperately to shout at her to come back to bed. That he wasn’t strong enough to do this yet. That he still wasn’t sure he could face what was happening. The scream that pierced the air had him flying out of bed and to her side.

He was on his knees beside her, holding her hand as she bit her bottom lip to prevent herself from screaming again, her other hand squeezing the edge of the towel rack so hard her hand was turning white. “Tell what to do,” Tora pleaded with her, beside himself with worry. It was four in the god damn morning and he had no idea how to help her.

Poppy winced and groaned the muscles in her lower back spasming painfully as her abdominals contracted. “It hurts to sit – help me – bathtub-” she ground out between grit teeth.

He nodded, helping her to a standing position as she took two tentative steps before collapsing into the bathtub, her back against the curved wall. Tora eyed her apprehensively, she was hot and clammy and panting hard. The toilet was full of blood and it was running down her leg. The floor was bloody from where she’s stepped. “Water – turn on the water,” Poppy mumbled with her eyes shut, her face pale.

Tora didn’t even bother to nod, just did as he was instructed, turning on the showerhead for her, grateful for any direction she was willing to give. He was quickly reaching his limit. There was too much blood. Too much of her blood. He wasn’t good at being helpless. Being helpless all too often as a child had failed him. Now he was failing Poppy and he couldn’t take it. He watched wide eyed as the water soaked through her shirt and washed the steady stream of blood from between her legs down towards the drain.

He glanced back at the toilet and then back at the blood. This wasn’t right. It was too much right? The doctor had said two pads an hour right? No more. How the fuck was he supposed to know how much a pad could hold? He glanced at her face as she breathed and grunted and twisted in pain. No. Fuck this. He wasn’t waiting again. He wasn’t just going to stand here and watch her bleed. Fuck that. Marching back into the bedroom he snatching his phone off the nightstand and dialed 911. “You’re going to the hospital,” he told Poppy as he returned to the bathroom.

She nodded, her eyes fixed on the stream of blood swirling around the drain just beyond her feet. She cried out as another contraction wracked her body. It was official. This hurt just as much as the last time. Maybe even more considering her pain tolerance had increased dramatically. “Am I dying again Tora?” she murmured once he’d hung up the phone, her eyes glazing over at the possibility as she began to disassociate from the reality of the situation.

“Fuck no!” Tora bellowed, dropping to his knees beside the tub, reaching for her hand. “No! Ya hear me! You’re gonna be just fine. You’re not going anywhere. Ever. You’re mine ya hear me? And I’m yours. Forever. We’re gonna get through this _together_. That’s what we promised each other. That’s the vow ya made. For better or worse remember?” He spat, absentmindedly registering the tears on his face. “Now come on, I’m gonna help ya so you’re ready when the paramedics get here.” He told her, turning off the water as he pulled her to her feet before lifting her up out of the tub. He yanked his towel off the rack, wrapping it around her lower body before carrying her in his arms back into their room.

Poppy watched detachedly as Tora fished out a pair of her granny panties from her underwear drawer and attached a pad to the crotch before pulling them up her legs. He then rummaged around in another drawer before helping her into a heavy pair of Roots track pants. Next he pulled off her wet top and used the comforter to dry her before yanking one of his own hoodies down over her head. They stared at each other for a long minute until the banging at the door broke their gaze.

Poppy kept her eyes closed as Tora carried her out to the waiting stretcher. He kissed her forehead before letting the paramedics load her into the ambulance. “I’ll meet ya at the hospital. You’re gonna be fine Poppylan.” She nodded.

~ ~ ~

There was no ceiling this time and Poppy was grateful. After answering their questions as best she could, they’d sat her up at a forty-five degree angle and she could see out the back windows of the ambulance. They’d been driving for a solid ten minutes when someone spoke to her again. “I’m going to put in an IV,” the male paramedic told her, reaching for her arm.

Poppy shook her head, “please don’t. Can we just wait till we get to the hospital? I’m in pain and I feel weak and I really don’t want to be jabbed right now.” She informed him sadly.

The female paramedic exchanged glances with the male and then glanced meaningfully down at something Poppy couldn’t see under the gurney before returning her gaze to his. Poppy watched as the man stared down at the spot under the stretcher before shaking his head at her. “I’m sorry but no. It’s necessary.” He told her, already yanking up the sleeve of Tora’s hoodie.

“We’re almost there, two minutes won’t kill her,” the female paramedic told him resting her hand on his arm.

He cocked a brow at her and gestured silently at her to look under the gurney again. She nodded at him. “It’s a lot but she hasn’t passed it yet. The IV won’t help and we can’t stop it till it’s out.”

~ ~ ~

The stretcher jostled Poppy, eliciting a groan from her as the paramedics pulled her from the ambulance a few minutes later and wheeled her into the hospital. “Bathroom.” Poppy mumbled, feeling weak.

The female paramedic nodded, “this way, I’ll help you.” She told her, pulling Poppy to her feet, hooking an arm around her waist as she stumbled towards the door of the single washroom. The paramedic pulled down her pants and underwear, helping her as she stepped out of them. Poppy frowned down at the mess she’d made. There was blood all over the floor. Every step she took was leaving a bloody footprint. Grabbing the papertowel off the shelf in front of her, Poppy bent over and tried to wipe it up, much to the patient paramedic’s surprise. “Poppylan? Poppylan leave it. Someone else will clean it up, don’t you have to go to the washroom?” She said, coaxing the towel from her hand as she helped her onto the toilet.

Poppy cried. It hurt so much. It hurt _so_ much. She wrapped her arms around her stomach. Feeling like she’d been transported back to that Italian basement washroom. She was going to be sick again. She could feel it. Her stomach was rolling violently. That’s when she felt it. Another ‘plunk’. She felt the splash of the water as it hit her thighs. It made her cry harder. She kept her eyes closed as she forced herself off the toilet and stumbled away from the bowl towards the far wall. Wanting to get as far away from what she’d just done as possible. She kept her eyes on the ceiling as the female paramedic stared at her. “I’m going to flush okay?” The woman asked. Poppy bawled harder, unable to answer. “There’s nothing you can do for it now.” The woman tried to comfort her.

Poppy sunk down to her bottom against the wall, the cold tiles reminding her this wasn’t just a bad dream. She gasped for air, sucking in what she could as she braced herself. The sound of the toilet flushing a moment later broke her and she leaned to the side as she heaved.

~ ~ ~

Tora followed the nurse to Poppy’s hospital bed, taking her hand in his as he kissed her forehead. “I’m here sweetheart, I’m here. I’m so sorry.” He apologized for leaving her. Promising he was going to stay by her side.

The next half a day was a blur for Poppy. Another transfusion, IVs, more vomiting, another vaginal ultrasound, pain killers. A doctor explaining it still wasn’t over. Apparently, not all the ‘products of conception’, if someone called her baby that one more time she was going to throttle them, had come out. Tora was horrified to learn their child had been rotting inside her since its death and had not come out in one piece. She’d known though. Had read what a missed miscarriage was the first night she’d seen blood. They gave her pills to induce more contractions. To cause her more pain in the hopes of avoiding surgery. A D&C. A fucking _abortion_. That was it for Poppy. She’d reached her breaking point. She couldn’t take it anymore. If Tora was willing to put a bullet between her eyes she’d take it with a smile. She couldn’t do this anymore.

When she told Tora later that night, after they got home, he had her therapist on the phone with her a few minutes later. She listened, a dead pan expression on her face as Cheryl reminded her of all the good things she had to live for and how much she’d expressed to her that she loved Tora. That her life would be full even if she never had children. Poppy hung up on her, threw the phone at the wall and went to bed. She was convinced the universe had predetermined she was supposed to bleed out trying to have children. She wasn’t sure why no one around her would just let her meet her fate already. Tora just watched on in horror, unsure who the woman he’d brought home was anymore.

** January 11th **

Poppy stared at the ceiling tiles as the technician inserted the wand. She never wanted to have another vaginal ultra sound as long as she lived. If this man told her she had to have an abortion after the hell she’d been through the last few days she was going to refuse. Let the septic shock and blood poisoning take her to the afterlife. She didn’t give a shit anymore; no one was scraping her womb. She glanced up at the man holding her hand. His face pinched with worry.

Tora would force her to though. Just like he’d forced everything else; forced her to eat, to bathe, to clothe herself. Forced her to get out of bed and take her Granny’s calls and pretend she was handling this okay. He’d told her to stop worrying her family and to quit being so nasty to them. She’d told him to go fly a kite and he must be happy about the way things had turned out considering he’d never wanted to get her pregnant again in the first place. He’d just glared at her and said, “I forgive you for saying that. I know you’re just angry,” completely reasonable, throwing back the words she said to him all too often, “but that’s a really fucked up thing to say to me Poppylan and I know ya know that’s not true. I wanted our baby. Maybe not as badly as you did, but I fucking wanted it.” Then he’d sat down and cried, making her feel like the shit person she was being. Knowing she was the cause of his heartbreak made her want to die even more. Tora had been through so much, he didn’t need her stabbing him with her words.

“Looks like you’re in the clear, you passed it all, that last dose of misoprostol did the trick,” the technician informed them. Poppy looked over at Tora who was grinning at her in relief. She just turned away and stared up at the ceiling.

** February 17th **

Tora frowned as he climbed the stairs of his apartment building, unsure just which side of Poppy he was going to get today. She’d been a disaster since they’d lost the baby. Flip flopping between hysterics and seeming normalcy. Some days it was like nothing had happened, she’d tell him about her day and they’d watch a movie and go to bed. Other days she’d just sit on the couch, stare out the window and cry all night no matter how much he tried to comfort her. She slept fitfully, plagued by nightmares. She saw Cheryl once a week but the therapy didn’t seem to be helping very much.

He cocked a brow as he reached their floor, a thudding coming from beyond their apartment door. He put his key in the lock and twisted, pushing the door open as he was hit by a wall of sound. He closed it behind him as he toed off his shoes and walked into the apartment only to find his wife, a nightlight in her hands as she sang along to the music, tears rolling down her face. “Be happy! I don’t wanna waste my time on…” she sobbed, “I’d rather stay here,” another sob, “we are the happy boys and happy girls,” more sobbing as she cradled the nightlight to her chest.

Tora shut off the music, “Jesus Christ Poppy. What the fuck are ya doing?” He muttered to the silence echoing in the room, deeply disturbed by her behaviour.

She cried unapologetically, caressing the nightlight in her hands with her thumb. “I’m trying to be happy, like you told me to be. The song made me happy when I was little.” She spewed at him.

Tora collapsed onto the couch beside her, eyeing the nightlight, knowing better than to reach for it. “Sweetheart ya should really leave that thing in the closet.” He chided, “It just hurts ya every time ya look at it.”

Poppy shook her head, “I can’t, what if something happens to it?” she sobbed.

Tora sighed, “can I see it please sweetheart?” he asked, holding out his hand for it. When she pulled it tighter to herself he added, “I’ll give it right back.” She nodded and handed it over, keeping the rock he’d suspected she was clutching in the other hand. It was the one they’d given her at the hospital, the one engraved with a butterfly and a heart. A small token to remember their baby by. He traced the cut out letters of the nightlight with the pad of his finger before handing it back to her. “What does Cheryl say about this attachment behaviour?” he asked genuinely worried his wife was beginning to lose it.

Poppy took in two shaky breaths attempting to calm herself before responding. “She thinks it’s unhealthy, but I- what if the apartment burns down or someone breaks in and steals the box I keep them in or-” She cut herself off at the stare Tora was leveling her with. She sighed, “Look I didn’t say it made sense, I’m just telling you what I’m feeling.” She explained dejectedly, “Just having these things outside of myself makes me crazy. Like I couldn’t even keep our babies safe and they were inside me. How am I supposed to protect these when I-” She explained, her voice going more and more hysteric.

“Poppylan stop it,” Tora cut her off harshly, she really was losing it. “First of all, none of this stuff would mean anything to anyone other than us, no one’s gonna steal them,” he explained, gesturing at the picture frame containing their ultrasound photos and the objects in her lap. “It’s not stupid; we lost something important, a piece of us-”

Poppy frowned as she cut him off, “piece _s_.” She corrected, “We lost _two_.”

Tora just sighed and nodded, unwilling to revisit their difference of opinion on the ectopic. “Pieces then.” He conceded, “You’re allowed to grieve and be upset but sweetheart, please don’t let this consume ya. Some people just aren’t meant to-”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence!” Poppy shrieked. “We will be parents! One day we _will_ be parents! I refuse to believe anything else.” She told him fiercely, tears welling in her eyes.

Tora sighed and held his tongue. Now was not the time. They could fight months from now, after she’d had another three normal periods. He didn’t give a shit how much she cried and screamed and cursed him though. He was never getting her pregnant again. He’d done it twice and twice she’d almost died trying to bring his children into the world. He’d watched her bleed out twice. He wasn’t strong enough to do it a third time. If she wanted to be pregnant she’d have to leave him and find some other man. He refused to kill her. He already had enough blood on his hands, he refused to add anymore, especially hers.

Poppy stared down at the nightlight and then over at the dinosaur shoes on the couch cushion next to her. “When Cheryl asked me what I thought might help me I said a tattoo. So that I can have something on me, with me always to memorialize them. So that I’d always have something just in case something happened to this stuff.” She whispered.

Tora closed his eyes and breathed deeply, calming himself. “Of what? Where?”

She turned to stare at him, “Baby feet. On the inside of my heel, just below my ankle, cut out of a puzzle piece.”

Tora kept his eyes closed, biting down on his tongue so hard he could taste blood. He didn’t want her to get a fucking tattoo of this shit. Why the fuck did she want to memorialize the worst two days of their life? Why the fuck would she want to force them to look at that shit every day? Wouldn’t the reminder just make this worse for her? It certainly would for him. He didn’t want to be reminded there were chunks missing out of his wife’s soul every fucking day. He didn’t want to remember what she looked like with a pool of blood between her legs he’d willingly caused her. “Ya don’t wanna look at that every day Poppylan. I don’t support that.” He muttered, finally opening his eyes to stare at her. “I think it’ll just add to your pain.” He attempted to explain his objection.

Poppy glared at him angrily, “It’s not your body, it’s _mine_ and I think it’ll help me. I think about them almost every waking minute of the day and then I dream about them. I dream about losing them.” She countered, trying to contain her fury. How dare he?

“Fine, _I_ don’t wanna have to look at that,” he spat truthfully.

Poppy stood up, the nightlight in one hand and the rock in the other. “Well too fudging bad! You think I like looking at your Balthuman crest every day? You think I appreciate _that_ reminder? It’s four times the size of what I’m thinking about getting and on your god damn _neck_! I’m putting mine on my foot! I wear socks three quarters of the year! You’ll only see it in the summer or in the shower or in bed and it’ll be so far away from your line of vision! Just don’t look down!” She argued, her volume rising with every sentence.

Tora stood, asserting his dominance as he stared down at her, “You know I didn’t have a choice. Don’t throw that back at me Poppy. I hate looking at the fucking thing even more than you do. I don’t want ya to the feel the way I do. Don’t do something you’ll regret willingly. Doing that to yourself voluntarily…It’s a _stupid_ move.” He argued.

Poppy turned away from him then and collected her items in her arms, cuddling them tight to her chest. Tora didn’t get it. He didn’t understand her guilt. It was like he wanted to forget about them. Like he just wanted to move forward like they never happened. He never felt them. Not like she had. Her babies existed and they deserved to be recognized. She moved away from him, towards the hall that would take her to their bedroom. She paused ten feet from him and turned to face him, tears in her eyes, “I will never forget. Tattoo or not. I will remember them every day of my life.”

Tora sighed dejectedly and sat back down on the couch, watching her back as she moved away from him before disappearing into the bedroom. He was never going to forget either; he just wasn’t into the idea of actively triggering the memory. He scrubbed his face with the palms of his hands as he threw his head back against the couch. Fuck his life. Fuck his shitty way with words. Fuck the universe for all the bullshit he and Poppy had been through. She wanted to parents. He wouldn’t get her pregnant.

He pulled his hands from his face and let them fall into his lap as he stared at the ceiling. He could hear her crying in the bedroom again. He needed to come up with something. He needed to give her a child. Somehow, he needed to make her happy, fill the overwhelming void in her soul. The way she had his, her small cries and sniffles coming from the down the hall were tearing him apart. He sighed. Could he do it again? Maybe the third time was the charm? Her friend had had three or four miscarriages right? Then a healthy baby? He closed his eyes, zoning in on the sound of her cries. They stopped a moment later and the silence ate at him worse. If she’d died their apartment would always be this quiet. He glanced around the room. He’d be alone again. He thought of her smile, her giggle, the warmth of her skin pressed against his as he held her in his arms. Then he thought of her, in the tub, a river of blood leaving her body to swirl down the drain. Her eyes glazed over with pain and sorrow as she looked up at him half naked, dying. Leaving him.

Fuck that. He’d come up with another way.

** March 6th **

“Guilt?” Cheryl prompted as she sat across from Poppy in her red high backed armchair, her notebook on her lap.

Poppy nodded and leaned further back on the loveseat opposite her therapist. She liked the small office, it was safe, comfortable. Cheryl made her angry sometimes when she told her things she didn’t want to hear but overall, Cheryl had helped. “Yeah,” Poppy nodded, fiddling with a corner of one of the throw pillows beside her. “I feel guilty a lot. That I’m alive and they’re not. That one was put in a medical waste bin and the other was…” she couldn’t say it.

“Flushed down the toilet?” Cheryl finished for her. Poppy nodded as she fought off tears. “You bring that up a lot. Even before your second pregnancy, you’ve always been fixated on the notion you never received any closure. Have you thought anymore about the tattoo you brought up a few sessions ago?” She asked.

Poppy nodded, “I talked to Tora about it. He thinks it’s a bad idea. That I’ll regret it. That it would hurt him. That he doesn’t want to look at it every day and be reminded.”

“What do you want?” The therapist asked, crossing one leg over the other as she leaned closer.

Poppy shrugged, “I want the guilt to stop. It eats at me. Every time I have an hour or two of happiness, or just normalcy, maybe I’m working or just hanging out with a friend and everything is nice…and then I remember and the guilt I feel for forgetting? Even for an instant? It’s crushing. It was different with my Dad. When he died I had, so many _memories_. So many items, people. He touched so many lives. There weren’t many places I went in Moonbright where someone didn’t have a story about him to share with me. When I’m upset about losing him I can call my Granny and we talk about him, the _good things_. I can look at pictures. I can visit his grave. I can weave happiness into my grief. Focus on all the good.” She sighed, “With my children, it’s painful. I don’t have anything positive from the first, just pain and fear and a sense of incompletion. With my second, I have all these items that are just reminders of what will never be. So many memories of anxieties and only these brief moments of happiness; and even those are coloured with pain now. Like announcing my pregnancy. Christmas was so beautiful. Yet now, when I think back on it. All I can think about is how my baby was already dead and rotting inside me. That’s how that memory feels now. Rotten. I can’t even look at the video or the pictures from that day. I’m worried Christmas is always going to be hard for me now.” Poppy explained, pausing to choke back the emotion rising in her throat.

“But the thing that kills me the most is the guilt. No one else knows them, or felt them. Tora doesn’t seem to want to remember. It feels like if I don’t no one will and then it will be as if they never were. And I can’t. I just can’t accept that. Every time I forget, or have a ‘good’ day the guilt is overwhelming. Like I’m letting them down and losing them all over again. I feel like a terrible mother. Like they were taken because I didn’t deserve them. What kind of a mother forgets about her own children? Even for an hour?” She explained.

Cheryl nodded, not in agreement but in understanding. Poppy was deeply traumatized and desperately looking for closure. Personally, she thought the tattoo was a good idea. It was something she wouldn’t have to worry about and it would help her not to feel the immeasurable guilt. “So what are you going to do about it?”

Poppy stared at her therapist for the span of three heartbeats before she spoke again. “Nothing probably. Tora’s been through enough. I don’t want to hurt him like that.”

Cheryl frowned. In the months since she’d started working with Poppy she’d learned quite a bit about the young woman. She hoped that in the future they might tackle her unhealthy behaviour of always seeming to put her husband’s emotions before her own. She had yet to meet the man she was so head over heels for but she hoped to have a joint session someday. “What about _your_ pain though?” She prompted.

Poppy sighed, “I hurt all the time. I still have nightmares about what happened. I dream about babies crying as I’m strapped to a bed debilitated by pain. I dream about bathtubs and blood. I dream about transvaginal ultrasounds and doctor’s scowls. I hear Tora crying in my dreams. I dream about blood on the floor and every time I wipe it up there’s more. There’s always so much blood Cheryl. So much blood.” She whispered, growing silent for a moment before she frowned and continued, “but I also dream about what they’d look like, who they would have grown up to be. If they were male or female. What we would have named them. I think about everything I should be doing right now. All the pregnancy milestones. I dream about _holding_ them. They’re the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep at night, no matter how good of a day I’ve had.” She explained.

“And this worries Tora?” Cheryl asked.

Poppy shrugged, “I don’t tell Tora. I don’t think he’d want to hear it. He’s worried about me enough as it is. He told me I reminded him of a zombie a few weeks ago. He meant it as a joke, and I laughed with him but it actually really hurt. I think he realized he’d said the wrong thing. His behaviour was apologetic and he was overly sensitive to my emotions for the rest of the day but it still hurt. I thought I’d been getting better at faking you know? _Fake it till you make it_. That’s what my Dad used to say; but I’m starting to feel like I can’t fake it through this one? Like it doesn’t matter how wide I smile, I’m just gritting my teeth ‘cause it doesn’t reach my eyes?”

She sighed and continued, “I think my coworkers are catching on. Most of them have no idea what happened to me but I must be putting off bad vibes ‘cause people don’t linger to talk to me the way they used to. As if they can tell chatting with them is exhausting for me? I feel awful about it. I don’t want to be off putting. Erdene still loves me though, she’s been really supportive and so kind and thoughtful and she’s always asking questions about what she can do and how to approach other women in her friend circle who have suffered like I have. It’s really encouraging. She told me the other day about how she was at a party a few weeks ago and there was a pregnant woman and she asked if she was pregnant. The woman just looked and her and said ‘of course why?’. Erdene said she explained she had a friend that had looked pregnant but had recently lost her child and the assumption she was pregnant had triggered her. Remember how I told you about the lady on the ship in Europe?” Poppy smiled. “Erdene really listens. She really cares. I told her toxic positivity doesn’t help, that I don’t want to hear about silver linings. That I just want her to tell me she’s sorry that it’s okay to be sad and she’s just there to listen. She sent me a meme of two dinosaurs in response. The little one said: I’m sad. The bigger one said: I’m sorry and I’m here for you. The little one replied: aren’t you going to tell me to cheer up? People always tell me to cheer up. And the bigger one says: No. I still like you when you’re sa-” she broke then, the tears coming hard. “When you’re sad.” She managed to choke out between sobs.

Cheryl handed her a tissue and sat back in her chair as she watched the young woman cry. This was not uncommon. It was rare Poppy left a session without crying. Not all women felt the loss of a miscarriage as deeply as Poppy had. Some were rather good at accepting that bad things happened, there was something wrong with the child and that it simply wasn’t meant to be. Poppy was not one of them. Cheryl felt sad for her, that Poppy felt the need to hide how she felt. She’d mentioned once that her husband had always admired how open she was about her feelings. Cheryl couldn’t help but feel disappointed that Poppy had fallen into the trap so many other women had. Of feeling guilty and ashamed. Of being silent. Of hiding their pain. Women were too good at making tragedy look like a regular Tuesday afternoon. They were like books whose pages had been torn and mangled. Yet you’d never know by looking at the bindings for the spine was so strong. More women needed to talk about their stories. If nothing else so that other women wouldn’t feel so alone working through their struggles.

“I think you need to feel all of this Poppy, really sit with your emotions and work through them unapologetically. No matter how it makes other people feel. No matter how uncomfortable it makes them. You’ve mentioned on more than one occasion what a strong man your husband is emotionally and intellectually. You have a lot of admiration for him, for this, I think you should acknowledge it. You should get the tattoo. It’s up to him to manage how that makes him feel. That’s not on you. You need to do what’s right and what’s going to help you, for you. Until you do something to bring you some kind of closure and comfort I don’t see you moving on from this.” She explained, going out on a limb. She wasn’t normally this forceful with clients. It wasn’t her place to tell Poppy what to do. It was her place to guide and make thought provoking suggestions to bring clarity but god damn if this woman hadn’t been through enough and needed to start thinking of herself. Tora was a grown man, and covered in tattoos from what Poppy had told her. Personally, she thought the man was being hypocritical. Then again, she didn’t know Tora and needed to check herself. She was insatiably curious as to the man’s back story and Poppy had been rather vague about him aside from saying he had had a harsh upbringing.

Poppy stared at Cheryl for a long moment, “I’ll think about it.”

** March 11th **

The sun in her eyes and the incessant nudging at her shoulder woke her. Poppy blinked up at Tora in annoyance. “Tora, it’s my birthday. I should be allowed to sleep in on my birthday.” She murmured. She’d booked the day off; terrified her coworkers would do something cute for her that she simply didn’t have the energy for. Erdene had made it her life’s mission to never forget her birthday again like she had the first year they’d worked together. Every year her shenanigans had become more and more over the top. Usually, despite her lack of desire to be the centre of attention, she looked forward to her birthday. Wondering what crazy idea Erdene would spring on her next. This year not so much.

Poppy was well aware that she was depressed. Hell, most of her family and close friends were aware she was depressed. Which just made her feel worse. She’d been actively trying to appear and act happier. It seemed to work on people who didn’t know her very well but damn it all if Quincey, Tora, Granny and the rest of her close friends didn’t see right through her. She was so sick of the concerned looks and sad pitiful expressions. All the, ‘don’t worry Poppy, you and Tora will be parents one day’ comments that ripped her fucking heart out. She felt like she was back to square one, crying her heart out in the shower after she’d lost the first one. People’s comments shouldn’t get to her as much as they did but damn it all if they didn’t just slice her skin open and burrow themselves down deep. No matter how much she picked at them, carving herself apart, trying to fling the words away from her, they would circle in her brain at night. Taunting her. _Lots of people struggle and then have happy endings._ **Lots of people also had to face the reality of never being able to have children.** _This too shall pass, time heals all wounds. You’ll forget about this someday._ **She didn’t want to forget about her babies. If everyone else forgot who would remember them but her?** _How long are you going to wallow? You have a great life._ **You lose two children, almost bleed to death twice and then come tell me the exact quantity of time I’m allowed to be upset about this. How ‘bout that?** _You don’t want a tattoo, that’s a bad idea._ **How the ACTUAL FUCK do you have any idea what I NEED or WANT right now?**

“Come on Poppy, I got something for ya,” Tora insisted, finally ceasing his nudging now that she was awake. Poppy flipped over onto her back and stared up at her handsome husband as he leaned over her, filling her vision. There was a twinkle in his eye. She was momentarily jealous of his joy. She raised her brows at him questioningly. “Get dressed and come to the kitchen table, I got somethin’ I wanna talk to ya about.” He told her secretively.

She sighed and threw off the covers, reaching for the robe she’d tossed onto the floor the night before. Securing the belt she followed him out of the bedroom and into the kitchen, taking a seat at their dining table. Tora pulled a white manila envelope off the top of the fridge and meandered over to her before taking a seat. He held the envelope gently but firmly, appearing indecisive now about giving it to her, his momentary happiness abandoning him. Wondering now if this was terrible idea and he was just going to upset her.

Poppy watched his face patiently as various emotions flitted across it. Finally, he appeared to have come to a decision. “Okay. Listen… I just realized, like right this minute ya might actually hate me for this but I- I want ya to know that I came up with this idea with your happiness as the motivator. I’d really appreciate it if ya’d listen and hear me out before responding.” He explained hesitantly.

She nodded and reached her hand out to him, palm up, waving her fingers in a ‘give me’ motion. “Mine’s in the bedroom.” She explained as Tora smirked and handed over his phone. This was their system. A cute communication model she’d insisted upon after their first anniversary. They were both passionate people and sometimes he would admit he’d get worked up and forget to actually listen to what she was saying when they were arguing. The timer worked. She’d set it for two minutes and he wasn’t allowed to say a word until the timer was up. Then it would be her turn and she’d sit and really hear him out. It wasn’t perfect but it worked for them.

Poppy set the timer for three minutes and pressed her lips together. Tora sighed and began, “I… can’t get you pregnant again. Not any time in the next few years, maybe never.” He paused, studying her face. She was furious with him; but she was silent. “I’m not strong enough for that. I told ya before I don’t think…I don’t know what I’d do without ya…well I do. I’d do the same shit I’m doing now, I’d just be _miserable_. I want kids, same as you but I don’t need them the same way you do. I’d rather have ya and know you’re safe than risk your life again. And I know ya said you’d be willing to die to have a baby but honestly Poppy I’m not with ya on that one. I’d die for you in a heartbeat but…I just…I can’t. I’m not trading ya for a kid. Or more likely, letting ya die for nothing.”

“Its not-” Poppy cut herself off as Tora glanced down meaningfully at his phone, reminding her his time wasn’t up yet; even if she didn’t approve of his line of thought.

He stared at her for a long moment, once convinced she wasn’t going to interrupt him, he sighed and continued, “I wanna make ya happy. I wanna help make all your dreams and your wishes come true and I don’t want to be the thing in the way off your happiness. Ya mean the whole world to me Bobby and I’d do literally anything for ya. I wanna grow old with ya. I want another fifty years with ya at least and if kids is what’s gonna make your heart whole, I wanna give that to ya the only way I know I can handle.” He paused for a long moment and stared down at the envelope in his hand. “I know we never talked about it before but…” He stopped, feeling self-conscious and a little uncomfortable. This was important to him and he was surprised at just how hurt he realized he was going to be if she rejected his idea. “Listen, it’s just something I want ya to think about. Ya don’t have to make a decision right now, I just wanted to put it out there.” He explained, holding her gaze.

“I was adopted. Arguably it might not have been the best thing for me but having Quincey for a brother was pretty much the best thing about my life from sixteen onwards. And uh, you…your mom left and then when your Dad passed, I know ya had your Gran and the rest of your family but you were kinda like an orphan too. So ah, I don’t really care if our kids are ours by blood. If we were to uh...” he paused, gauging her face for a reaction, “adopt? I’d still love them like they came out of ya and I know you would too and I…” he paused again as tears streamed down Poppy’s cheeks. “Fuck, I still suck at this.”

Poppy wanted to assure him that he most certainly didn’t but it wasn’t her turn to speak yet, his time wasn’t up. Tora sighed and continued, “This is an application,” he explained, finally setting the envelope in front of her on the table. “I’ve already filled it out. All ya gotta do is sign it and I’ll submit it myself. The woman warned me it can take a long time but there’s lots of kids out there that need good homes and we’d get them faster if we’re willing to foster but then they might end up elsewhere. I could be setting us up for a lot more heartache and I have no idea if this is even a good idea anymore, I thought it was when it first hit me but now I’m… uh.” He stared at her for a long moment, willing her to say something when he remembered the timer. He closed his eyes and sighed. “I just wanna give ya what ya want without you having to risk your life to get it. I always wanna do right by you. If this just upsets ya more I’m sorry. If this is a stupid idea-”

Poppy cut him off, bursting with emotion, “It’s not a stupid idea at all!” she cried as the timer beeped, signalling his time was up. She threw herself at him as he caught her and pulled her onto his lap. “It’s a wonderful idea,” she cried, burying her face in his chest as she cried.

Tora sighed and hugged her tight, “sorry sweetheart, didn’t mean to make ya cry on your birthday.”

Poppy whipped her head back and forth her face still buried in his chest, “I love you – so,” her voice broke on a sob, “so – so much.”

Tora smirked and kissed the top of her head, “I love you more.” He murmured passed a small relieved smile.

“I LOVE YOU MOST,” she wailed into his shoulder as Tora openly laughed at the heartfelt cry.

He grinned, “good, I was really worried there for a moment ya didn’t like me much anymore.” He teased. “Happy Birthday sweetheart.”

** March 30st **

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!” Tora and Poppy’s family members cried out to them as Poppy leaned down to blow out her half of the candles. Tora blew over her shoulder. They’d had a joint birthday every year they’d been together, it was easier on their family and friends. He watched as Granny whisked the cake and his wife away, only to feel Quincey hook his arm around his shoulders a moment later.

The blonde man smiled widely at him, “Poppy looks happy. Genuinely. You say something right for a change booboo?” he teased.

Tora smirked and crossed his arms, turning to look at his brother, “you’re a real pain in my ass sometimes ya know that?” He teased before tossing a glance in his wife’s direction, pleased to see she was still smiling, “And yeah, she’s having a good day. They’re pretty rare right now but I’m hoping they’ll start becoming more frequent.”

Quinceton smiled sadly and dragged him into the corner of the room away from their party guests. “Did you tell her about the application yet?” he asked hopefully.

Tora nodded, “on her birthday actually. She hasn’t signed it though. I don’t think she’s ready to give up on biological children just yet. She opened it and seemed really positive about the whole thing until she got to the age section I left blank. Personally, I don’t really care about age. I’ll take anyone at any age she wants. It stopped her though, as if the idea of not getting a baby right from the minute they’re born upset her. She just folded it up and said she needed to think about it for a while longer.” He frowned, pausing for a moment before continuing, “When I asked her about it a few days ago she said she just needed more time to work through the idea of never giving birth herself. She makes comments about feeling like a failure as a woman a lot and it really fucks with me. Like I get that she’s entitled to feel the way she’s gonna feel but I don’t like hearing her talk down about herself like that. There’s so much more to being a woman than being able to reproduce.” He explained. “I asked her Gran to talk to her about it but Gran thought it’d be a bit hypocritical coming from her.” He added almost as an afterthought.

Quincey arched a brow questioningly, “why would her Gran be able to help with that?” he asked curiously.

Tora blinked at him, a little surprised he didn’t know, “Granny had cervical cancer in her late twenties, had a full hysterectomy. She was just lucky enough to have Poppy’s Dad before the cancer. If she’d waited to be Poppy’s age she would have never been able to have any kids. I’m pretty sure one of the other editors at Goldfish had one too; Poppy mentioned it one night when she was trying to cheer herself up. Said ‘at least I can get pregnant, lots of women can’t even do that.’ Thought it was a fucked up thing to say at the time but,” he shrugged, “she ain’t wrong though.”

Quincey nodded, “Maybe I’ll ask Sugarplum to talk to her.” He suggested.

Tora cocked a brow, “What would Cordy have to say that would help Poppy?” he asked, genuinely interested.

Quincey shrugged, “Cordy has really bad POS and endometriosis. Doctors told her when she was a teen that she’d probably never be able to have children. Sugarplum says she never wanted kids anyways but it still sucks to know you don’t get the choice. Then again, miracles happen.”

Tora looked at him quizzically, “the fuck is that?”

Quincey deadpanned, “I would have thought Poppy would have educated you thoroughly on this kind of thing. Be a little more sensitive Tora. POS is Polycystic ovary syndrome. I can cause infertility and a host of other problems. Usually it’s treatable but in Sugarplum’s case, with how bad it is, mixed with her endometriosis; it’s unlikely she’ll ever be able to carry successfully.”

Tora felt like a dick. “Sorry.”

Quincey shrugged, “Don't be, neither Sugarplum nor I have any interest in raising our own children. Yours however, we can’t wait to be Aunt and Uncle to. Be they biological or not. I hope you know you’re my brother and I don’t give a shit that we don’t look alike or share blood.”

Tora smirked, “Love you too Quince, and I don’t need the speech. I know where I belong. I’m just sorry it took me so long to figure it out. You’re more of a brother to me than Goliath ever was.” He reassured before walking off to join his wife as Quincey teared up in his spot in the corner.

Cordy approached Quincey silently, “You okay Blondie? The Tiger hurt your feelings again?” she teased.

Quincey smiled at her, wiping at his eyes, “quite the opposite actually. He gave me a really nice compliment.” He explained.

She beamed at him, “glad to hear it.” She nudged him with her shoulder as they both watched the man in question put frosting on his wife’s nose. “You know he’s really changed. He’s not anything like the asshole I remember when we first met.” She commented dryly.

Quincey smirked, “he was never really an asshole; just a lost, hurt kid pretending to be tough.” He laughed, “You just needed to hang around long enough for him to let his guard down around you.”

** April 14th **

The scowl Poppy caught in the mirror above the display made her jump. Jesus. Is that what she looked like right now? She forced a smile before thinking better of it. She didn’t want to look like she was grimacing either. She let her face fall into a placid expression. That was better. Now she just looked tired instead of hideously angry. She set the kids Easter sunglasses back down. They were adorable and had cute little chicks breaking out of brightly painted eggs in each corner of the frames. They made her angry. She was here trying to shop for a gift for Danny and her soon to be nephew. He was due to arrive next week and she’d put this errand off as long as she could.

Granny had offered to just put her name on the card of whatever she ended up purchasing for Danny and Poppy was thoroughly tempted right now to take her up on her offer. Being in this Babies ‘R’ Us, attached to a Toys ‘R’ Us was beginning to chip away at the carefully crafted emotional shield she’d fashioned for herself before entering the store. She wanted to prove to herself she could do this. Damn it all if she wasn’t falling apart though, seeing all the families wandering around with small children was eating her alive.

She turned and exited the store, walking along the strip mall she opted to duck into a Marshalls. That was safe right? Not everything was going to be children related. She could take her time. Look at clothes? Shoes? Home décor? Work her way over to their limited baby section? Yeah. That was a good idea. She took a deep breath and smiled sadly. She just needed to be patient with herself. She pulled out her phone and sent Tora a quick text, letting him know she was thinking about him and looking forward to seeing him tonight. That she was going to be a little late since she was shopping.

Her phone dinged a moment later with a response; _don’t be too long beautiful, dinner will get cold._

Poppy paused, rooted to the spot next to a rack of spring sweaters. She couldn’t explain why the text upset her so much. Maybe it reminded her too much of the night she’d eaten cold noodles with Tora at the table. When he’d told her it was too soon and said they should wait. Maybe it was the notion her baby had grown cold inside her when she’d thought she’d been watching it carefully enough. Maybe she was just too damn sensitive. She did her best to shake the feeling as she tucked her phone back into her purse and looked up. Standing in front of her, at the other end of the rack was a heavily pregnant woman, searching through the rack; a dinosaur baby blanket tossed over one arm.

Poppy’s eyes rounded as they welled with tears. She turned towards the rack and grabbed a handful of sweaters before all but running towards the change room. Once inside, she slammed the change room door behind her, letting the sweaters tumble from her hand and onto the floor as she sat on the bench in the small room, breathing deeply. Trying desperately to get control over herself to no avail. She folded her hands over her mouth and drew her legs up on the bench with her as tears leaked from the corner of her eyes. She pressed harder, desperate to hid and muffle her sobs as the pain broke over her in waves.

~ ~ ~

Tora glanced over at Poppy as she texted her Gran in bed. _Hey Gran, I hope you had a good day. I’m really sorry. I feel like a bad cousin but can you please put my name on the card for Danny? I tried to go shopping today but I._ She stopped typing and erased everything after ‘Danny’ before hitting send. He frowned. “What happened when ya were shopping? You were upset when ya came home and looked like ya’d been crying.” He asked, pretending he hadn’t been reading over her shoulder.

Poppy shrugged and set her phone on her nightstand before cuddling into his side, “saw a pregnant woman with a blanket I would have bought for our baby in her arms. It triggered me really bad. Spent almost a half hour crying in a change room before I was calm enough to leave.” She explained.

Tora nodded, it wasn’t the first time she’d been triggered and he suspected it wouldn’t be the last. “Anything I can do to help?”

Poppy sighed, “I still want my tattoo. I’d appreciate it if you’d support that.” She offered hopefully.

Tora was silent a long moment, wanting to say what she wanted to hear yet unable to. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”

She nodded, snuggling in closer, “I figured. It’s important to me though.”

He nodded, “I know, but I don’t understand. I don’t see your logic. I’m just worried you’re gonna get it and then it’ll trigger ya every day and it’ll be on ya permanently. I don’t want ya to be upset everyday outta some fucked up sense of guilt. Ya don’t need to punish yourself anymore Poppy. It wasn’t your fault. It was no one’s fault. Ya gotta let it go eventually sweetheart.” He counselled. “Have ya thought any more about the adoption papers?” He asked, changing the subject.

Poppy clamped up, debating about what to say. She opened her mouth a moment later, finally coming to a decision, “I think I’m too messed up right now Tora. I want to work on myself a little longer before I agree to look after someone else. Last time I rushed into our second pregnancy thinking a new baby would…just magically make everything better. I’m worried I’ll still feel this way even after we have a child of our own. Cheryl says I need to process my emotions so that I can move forward in a healthy way.” She explained.

Tora squeezed her to him, the arm slung around her tightening. “You take all the time ya need sweetheart. I’m here anytime ya wanna talk.”

Poppy pushed away from him and stared up at him, “what about you? Who do you have to talk to? You’ve been so strong through this whole thing and I know our latest loss hurt you. Don’t deny it. You called the last one a baby. Our child wasn’t just and ‘a clump of cells’ this time. How are you feeling? Do you want to talk? I want to support you the way you’ve been there for me this whole time.” She offered.

He smiled at her, “it really fucked me up. Every time one of the guys talk about their kids, it goes through me like a nine mil’.” Poppy smiled sadly, of course he’d compare it to being shot, “I wanted to be a Dad Poppy. I was looking forward to it. I was looking forward to doing that room with ya,” he told her gesturing with his chin towards the door of the spare room they kept closed most of the time. “I was looking forward to watchin’ ya waddle and being able to feel the kid moving around in ya.” He closed his eyes and tilted his head back against the headboard. “Not enough to risk your life though. Every time I think about something nice, I just picture ya coming out of that cabin bathroom, I see the blood in the sink as I wrung out your pants in Italy. I see ya in _our_ goddamn bathtub bleeding out in our _home_.” He paused, his voice cracking on the last word as he breathed deeply, centering himself against the wave of emotion threatening to drag him under.

“Losing ya is not worth it to me. You being in _pain_ isn’t worth it to me. I know lots of pregnancies turn out just fine, I mean Danny hasn’t had any problems. I know that your next one could be just fine. I _know_ that. I’m terrified though and I don’t think I’m strong enough to go through complications again. Watching you deal with this sucks. Dealing with my own feelings on it…sucks. I just want ya to be happy. I just want _us_ to be happy. I don’t want any more death or blood or pain in my life.” He shrugged and glanced down at her. “So I can’t choose pregnancy again, no matter how bad ya want that. I know ya said before our trip ya might leave me over not giving ya biological children and if that’s the case-”

Poppy shook her head vehemently, “no Tora. God no Tora. I want a family. I want children. Adoption is a good idea. Our family won’t be any less of a family whether our kids share our genes or not. Love is what makes people family. I don’t want to die and I don’t want to hurt you anymore either.” She swallowed and stared up at him tearfully, being honest about her deepest fears. “To be truthful, the idea of getting pregnant again terrifies me. I’m scared of dying Tora. I’m scared of failing again. I’m scared of doing everything right and losing it anyways again. I’m scared of the pain. I can’t even describe how much it hurt Tora. Physically I mean. But even more so emotionally. I feel like every day is death by a thousand small cuts. Every time someone says something they think is encouraging it hurts. Every time I see a pregnant woman or a baby it hurts. Every time I hear anyone mention anything about pregnancy it hurts. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do it again either. The guilt I feel eats me up. That I wasn’t able to give you a child. That I wasn’t able to perform as a woman, that I wasn’t able to save my own children. That I was weak. That I was helpless to what was happening. That I had no real control. That I’m still so helpless, living in the shadow of my own mountain of emotional turmoil.” She paused, a disgusted look crossing her features, “That I can’t even buy my own cousin a baby gift without losing my shit.”

Tora frowned, “why won’t you sign the papers then Poppy?” he asked softly.

She gazed up at him sadly, “what if this is the universe’s way of telling me I’m not supposed to be a mom? What if I’d be crap at it and I’m not supposed to have kids? What if I’m not even supposed to be alive anymore? What If I was supposed to be dead?” she murmured.

Tora scowled at her, “that’s the stupidest shit you’ve ever said Bobby. You are absolutely supposed to live. You’re a positive in this world and one of the last that belongs six feet under. You’re the most maternal, loving woman I’ve ever met. I mean fuck, ya try to mother me, Gyu and Quince all the damn time. Ya care so much ya cry over everything. Ya should absolutely be a mom. Ya got more heart than most people on this planet. If anything, not having our own is just the kami’s way of telling ya you’re meant to love the ones others ain’t got time for. I mean shit. Every sob story I tell ya about my own childhood ya just break down crying telling me ya wished there had been someone to love and care for me and take me in and away from Vince like your Gran was there for you. If you’re as against more pregnancy as much as I am ya should just sign the damn papers. Stop punishing yourself. Stop depriving yourself of happiness. If this is what ya want then go get it.” He reasoned. 

Poppy was bawling as she left the bed and wandered down the hall. She hoisted herself up on the counter and grabbed the envelope off the top of the fridge as Tora watched. She was still crying as she rooted for a pen in their junk drawer and then filled out the sections of the form Tora had left blank. She paused at the preferred age section, checking off every box before writing, ‘ _anyone who needs a family, no matter their age’,_ before adding her signature on the last page next to Tora’s.

Tora smiled as he took the pen from her shaking hand and pulled her into a hug. “You will be a wonderful mother. You didn’t fail at anything. Life is just pushing us in a non-traditional direction. Anyone we get will be just as important to us as the ones we lost.” He reassured, emotion cracking his voice.

Poppy bawled, “we lost our babies.” She wailed.

Tora nodded, his own tears falling right along with hers, his breath catching in his throat, “we lost our _babies.”_ He finally whispered in agreement.

Neither of them were sure how long they stood there crying in each other’s arms, barefoot in the middle of their kitchen that night.

** June 20th **

“So you saw your nephew, how was that?” Cheryl inquired.

Poppy smiled, “wonderful and awful. His name is Noah. He’s beautiful and perfect and I’m in love with him. Danny is very lucky and I’m so happy for her.” She gushed, tears welling but not falling.

Cheryl smiled sadly at her, “and why was it awful?”

Poppy smiled wider, “I wanted to cry the whole time I was with him. I was so jealous of Danny and angry about my own circumstances. Watching her with him was the purest form of torture for me.” She explained, her voice quivering.

Cheryl frowned, “why are you smiling then?” she asked in confusion.

Poppy grinned, “because… I did it anyways. Because it was hard and I hated myself for the feelings I had and I forced myself to be happy for them anyways. Because I want to be me again and it was so hard but I did it. And I’m _proud_ of myself. I cried that night as soon as I got home. Tora held me for hours I was so upset. But I did it and I confronted my emotions and that’s all that matters to me. I proved I could do it.” She explained.

Cheryl nodded and smiled back at the young woman who was recovering much more rapidly than she’d expected given the trauma she’d experienced. “That’s really good Poppy. What about the adoption front? Any news there?”

Poppy shook her head no, “not yet. It’s a long process. We did our orientation session and submitted our application. We’ve got the first of a string of interviews coming up in the next few weeks. I’m a little worried about people judging Tora based on his appearance but they warned us in the orientation that the interviews and homestudy could take up to a year. I’m hoping if it’s the same person each time they’ll get to know him for the good man he is. We also have to take a course. I feel good about being able to do things to actively work towards having a family.” She explained.

Cheryl nodded, pleased to hear Poppy being so positive, “and your guilt? Have you thought anymore about your tattoo?” she asked.

Poppy shrugged, “Tora’s still against it. He doesn’t get it. Neither does Quincey. They both think it’d be a poor reminder. They’ve both got me doubting myself. I still want it; I’m just trying to be thoughtful of Tora’s feelings. He’s said, my body my choice but I know he doesn’t actually support it. I’m conflicted.” She explained. “I still think it’s what I need and I still have really awful days when I think having it would help my anxiety. Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night and pull my keepsakes out of the closet in the spare room just to make sure they’re still there and okay. It makes me feel like a crazy person. Coming up on July isn’t helping either. I just keep thinking about how I should be eight months pregnant.” She confessed.

** June 30th **

Tora held Poppy’s hand as they strolled through the park. It was beautiful night and neither of them had felt like being cooped up in the apartment. “How ya doing Bobby?” Tora asked, a lop sided smile on his face, one dimple on display.

Poppy smiled up at him, “I’m doing okay today. We’re a week away from finalizing the last draft of Quiney’s latest masterpiece so that’s going well. I talked to Granny on the phone over lunch. She’s good, she invited us over for dinner next Saturday. I’m also really proud of myself. Danny posted a picture of Noah on facebook and I didn’t cry. Left a comment too. I got my period today too. This is the first time since the miscarriage I didn’t have a panic attack. It upset me but I talked myself through it.” She explained cheerily. “How was your day?”

Tora’s smile widened, both dimples visible now. “I’m proud of ya sweetheart, that’s all really good news. I’m a little disappointed about the period though, I was kinda hoping to have some fun tonight.” He teased, releasing her hand to grab a handful of her behind for a moment before wrapping his arm around her waist, pulling her closer. He chuckled when she rolled her eyes. “You’ll let me know when Lucifer’s waterfall is over won’t ya?” She nodded and giggled, “It’s good to hear ya laugh. My day was alright. Mostly errands with Quince. Vince texted me but it was just a delivery. Lane was ridin’ my ass, said she’s close to nailing Vince. Just a few more weeks and she’ll bring charges. Maybe if we’re lucky I’ll be out by the time they find a kid for us.” He frowned, “I’d like to not have to lie about what I do.”

Poppy nodded and leaned against him, wrapping her own arm around him. “Well Quincey said he’d get us all the paperwork we need. I don’t feel good about it either but it’s a half truth. You are his bodyguard. We just need to look on the Brightside.”

Tora smiled, “I’ll do my best to focus on the Brightside.” He promised.

She beamed up at him, “so will I.”

** July 16th **

Poppy stood in front of Tora, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth as he stared up at her. She was standing directly in front of the tv, blocking his game. He smirked at her as he paused it and set down his controller. “Got something ya wanna tell me Bobby?” He asked, amused by the indecisive look on her face.

She nodded sharply, “Yeah actually. I’m not setting a timer, because I don’t want a long response. This isn’t a discussion. I’m just telling you something and I need you to say you accept it and support me on it.” She told him firmly.

Tora cocked a brow at her, leaning forward as he rested his elbows on his knees, his hands dangling between them. “Alright.” He agreed, curious as to what she was going to say.

Poppy took a deep breath and began, “The 27th is eleven days away. I am acutely aware of this fact. I am also deeply aware that I am saying goodbye to another baby on the 27th instead of giving birth. I should be pregnant and I’m terrified of how empty I’m going to feel when the day passes and I have nothing to show for it. I think it will be an unbelievably hard day for me as my anxiety over it is getting worse with every day we draw nearer to it. I can’t let the day pass without doing something to acknowledge the year of hell we’ve been through and the children we’ve lost.” She rushed before taking another deep breath. “I scheduled a tattoo appointment for the twenty fourth. I’m doing this whether you like it or not. I know it’s what _I_ need. So just say yes, that I have your blessing and you’re strong enough to handle your own emotions on how that makes you feel. ‘Cause…because I need to do this for _me_.” She gushed, her eyes round and pleading.

Tora smiled sadly at her, “Okay.” He replied, picking back up his controller, still convinced this was a terrible idea but unwilling to fight her on it. If it was what she truly thought she needed, it was her decision. He’d been telling her it was her body, her choice for months. If this was her final decision, he’d find a way to live with it. Besides, it wasn’t like she was actually tattooing a baby on herself. He’d seen her sketches. They were nice. He’d suggested framing it instead of tattooing it but who was he to talk? He had more ink on him than most people. If that’s what she wanted who was he to stand in her way?

Poppy blinked at him in surprise. “Okay?” she murmured a little dumbfounded he’d done exactly as she’d asked.

He nodded at her, a brow cocked, wondering why she looked so anxious, “okay.”

She beamed at him, “okay then.” She confirmed cheerily, a genuine smile on her face.

He smirked, “whatever makes ya happy sweetheart, that’s all I’ve ever wanted.” He reassured.


	9. The Right Fit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. That was hard. :) It's done. Enjoy and please let me know what you think! Thanks for sticking with me through this whole thing. Your commentary and support helped me to keep going even when it was hard. I'm sorry for putting our beloved characters through so much heartache but hey, I live for the realism and life is messy. ♥ 
> 
> Songs:  
> She will be loved – Maroon Five   
> I choose you – Sara Bareilles   
> Everything is Alright – Motion City Soundtrack  
> Danny's Song - Loggins & Messina

** CHAPTER 9  **

** July 24th **

Poppy held Tora’s hand as the needle passed over the outline on her skin. The tattoo artist so deeply focused on his art he missed the tears leaking from his canvas’s eyes. Tristan felt awkward. He’d made the mistake of asking to see a picture of their baby when the couple had walked in and the woman had critiqued the design he’d come up with from her concept art. The dark look the man had shot him had had him wanting to piss himself. When they’d informed him this tattoo was not to memorialize something happy and that the woman wanted him to sharpen and harshen up his lines he’d understood the world of shit he’d just stepped in. He was never going to make assumptions about baby tattoos ever again. Tristan had been curious as to why she wanted such a dark tattoo. He’d thought it’d make a really beautiful water colour. She wanted it stippled in with black though. He was going to do _everything_ she’d asked. This was the most meaningful tattoo he’d done in months and he’d told the couple as much.

“Almost there, just a little longer, I now it hurts. Ya picked a painful spot to be tatted for your first time.” Tristan explained as he glanced up at her tears.

Poppy smiled at him, “I’m not crying because it hurts, I’ve had worse. I’m crying because of what it means to me.” She explained. Tristan nodded and spared a quick glance at the scowl on the tall man’s face beside her before returning to his work.

Poppy had put a great deal of thought into this. She was thrilled to watch it finally come to fruition. He’d outlined a puzzle piece with harsh heavy lines. The top and the left side jutted out with male connections. The right side curved inwards with a female connector. The bottom though was her favourite part. Instead of another inward curve, it was two baby feet that took up the negative space, outlined by the puzzle piece around it. The way he’d drawn the feet made them look like two halves of a broken heart. He’d stippled in the majority of it leaving the center of it hollow and devoid of colour. It represented two things to her. The emptiness of her womb, and a light; a speck of hope in a world of disappointment; the hope that she would one day be a mother anyways. The feet were more adult like than she wanted but Tristan had explained that if he made the toes as small as she wanted they’d bleed and just look like a black blob in the future and he wanted it to last for her. She appreciated his expertise and had agreed to the modification. She’d chosen to put it on her foot to represent stepping forward and away from the pain. To always walk with the knowledge of what she’d lost, but not the agony, that she was ready to move on from.

When he finished and wiped away the excess ink Poppy couldn’t stop smiling. It was beautiful. She felt like a small piece of herself had just been gifted back to her. Tora thanked Tristan for her. She was crying too hard to do it herself. Tristan stood next to her awkwardly for a moment after he wrapped it for her. “Can I give you a hug Poppy?” He asked.

She nodded profusely and slung her arms around his neck, pulling the young artist close. “Thank you.” She breathed, “thank you so much.”

He nodded and hugged her back tightly, “my pleasure, I’m glad I could do something to help. Honest; and I’m sorry again for being stupid and insensitive earlier. Ya taught me a really good lesson. I wish the best for ya.” He swore.

Tora smiled as his wife embraced the kid covered head to toe in ink, secretly glad he hadn’t made the same mistake. He still had a whole leg to tattoo. He was saving the real estate for something really special.

** July 27th **

Poppy had the day off. She cried. On and off. All day.

She forced herself to shower though. And get dressed. And tidy the house. And eat. And go for a walk. She did all of this with Tora. He held her hand. Through it all, offering his strength and comfort as much as he could. Staring at her tattoo helped. She had something beautiful to show for all her pain. In the few days she’d had it, she’d gained a deeper understanding and appreciation for Tora’s tattoos and what they meant to him. It brought her comfort and made her smile. Tora had eaten his words, conceding he had been wrong about it after the hundredth time it made her smile through the tears.

** July 27th -Two Years Later **

The little boy with steal grey eyes looked around his new room apprehensively. He liked it. A lot. Poppy had changed it since the last time he’d been there. Last time it had just been yellow. Now it was green and there was a really cool T-Rex painted on one wall and dino foot prints painted across the opposite wall. The bedspread was covered in different dinosaurs. He looked back at the couple staring at him from the doorway. It was definitely nicer than the last place he’d been. He was still in shock he was getting the whole room to himself. “I really don’t have to share?” he asked dumbfounded by the generosity, “it’s all mine? All this stuff is mine?”

Poppy nodded and Tora smirked. “Yes. It’s all yours Ren.” She reassured the seven year old as he took in his dinosaur themed room around him.

His name was above the bed in big chucky block letters. He pulled open the drawers of the dresser and stared down at the clothes. “These too?” he asked in wonder, turning his head to stare at Tora. The large man nodded at him as Ren moved over to the bed, climbing up onto it for a moment before the bookshelf with the baskets under it caught his attention. He hopped off and walked over to it, eyeing the couple in the doorway cautiously as he ran his fingers over the spines. He liked books. The people at the children’s center read to him sometimes. He was a pretty good reader. He still struggled with big words but he could sound them out. Miss Harper had taught him how to read last year. Well, mostly. He still needed help sometimes. He liked learning though. He was looking forward to school this coming year. Poppy had promised him he could stay at his school. That he wouldn’t have to make new friends. Not that he had that many.

He pulled a book off the shelf and clutched it in his hand as he tugged on the baskets. Each one contained different toys. One was full of plastic cars, another had lego, the third was full of dolls, well, action figures but still dolls. The last one was full of plastic dinosaurs which made him grin. He was surprised Poppy had listened to him when he’d told her the toys and stuff he liked at their last visit. His last set of parents had had so many kids they didn’t listen to him at all. He turned and grinned at the nice woman. “Will you help me read this?” he asked, holding up the book.

Poppy nodded, tears welling in her eyes, “I’d love to.” She murmured moving over to the bed; she climbed up, patting the spot next to her.

Ren eyed her indecisively for a moment before joining her. She was nice. She reminded him of Miss Harper. He still wasn’t sure about the man though. He was nice too but his head almost touched the ceiling and it intimidated him. He supposed if Poppy liked him he was okay though. He’d brought him a dinosaur shirt the last time they’d visited and he’d played cars with him. “Ya wanna listen to the story too?” Ren asked the large dark man.

Tora smirked, “Not enough room for me on that bed.” He replied with a smile.

Poppy smiled knowingly, “why don’t you read it to us on the couch? That way Tora can sit with us too?” she offered.

Ren shrugged and hopped off the bed, marching over to Tora. He paused for a moment as he stared up at the man. Tora raised his brows in amusement, daring the kid to do whatever it was he was thinking about. Ren nodded, having made up his mind and grabbed hold of Tora’s hand, leading him down the hall and to the couch. He let go of the man’s hand and jumped up onto the middle cushion before starring at his new parents expectantly. 

Poppy giggled as she squeezed Tora’s arm before joining her new son on the couch. Tora watched her settle in next to Ren before taking his seat on the other side of his new son. He threw his arm over the back of the couch, stroking Poppy’s shoulder with his thumb as he listened to Ren read the title. “Danny and the Dinosaur,” Ren turned the page. There was a pregnant pause and then he looked up at Poppy expectantly. “I read then you read. That’s how it works.” He informed her.

Poppy grinned at him then turned her attention to the page on display for her, “One day, Danny went to the museum. He wanted to see what was inside.”

Tora smirked as Ren turned the page and read to them. Getting him had been a long road and it wasn’t over yet. They’d finished the pre-placement visits and now this was probation. Poppy had wanted to hold off on decorating his room until the probation paper work had been finalized. Lest they be disappointed again. Then, it’d been a mad dash to personalize it all for him. She’d stayed up all night painting the murals for him, hoping he’d like it after repainting the room his favourite colour. He wanted this, for her, for Ren, for himself. If it went well, and the adoption officer liked what she saw, in a half a year or so they’d be able to finalize the adoption.

~ ~ ~

Ren ate too quickly, just like the last time he’d been there. Tora watched silently as the boy stuffed his face. He sighed and set down his fork. “Slow down kid. You’re gonna choke. There’s plenty more where that came from, I promise.” He reassured, remembering what it was like to feel hungry. The background paperwork the agency had supplied for Ren had been disappointing at best. He’d spent most of his life in shit homes and seen way more than he should have. Based on the way he was eating Tora could guess he’d gone hungry more than a few nights as well. It still pissed him off that shit people had kids all the time, with no problems, that didn’t deserve them when Poppy had almost died trying to have theirs.

Ren didn’t stop shovelling in his mash potatoes but he did slow down a tad. He had noticed as Poppy made dinner that there had been lots of food in both the fridge and the cupboards. He’d been pretty annoyed with her when she’d told him he could only have one cookie before dinner but she’d promised he could have another after dinner if he was still hungry so he guessed that was okay. He glanced over at her. She was smiling at him. She hadn’t stopped smiling at him all day. “Will I get to stay here?” he ventured cautiously.

Poppy paused and gazed over at Tora, her smile faltering for the first time, “that’s a complicated question Ren. We uh, we’d like you to stay forever but it’s not up to us. It’s up to you and the adoption agency. If you like us and want to stay, it would make Tora and I very happy. We’ve been waiting a long time for you to join our family.” She explained.

Ren looked back and forth between his new parents. “Oh.” He said before returning to his potatoes.

Poppy stared at Tora nervously, panic in her eyes. Tora just smirked at her, endlessly amused by her. Poppy had it in her head they were just magically going to be a family immediately. She didn’t quite understand Ren’s circumstances, try as she might. She wanted him to love her so bad it hurt his heart a little. Ren needed time though. Like them, he’d been through some shit before getting matched with them. This relationship wasn’t gonna happen overnight. It’d taken him years to trust Alice and Joe. Even longer with Quincey. He may have fallen in love with _her_ at first sight but she was an exception. “He didn’t reject ya just now, he’s just thinkin’” Tora reassured her with a smirk.

Ren looked up and back and forth between the two adults. “I do something wrong?” He asked.

“No! Heaven’s no,” Poppy gushed, “I’m just, sensitive and overly emotional, that’s all.” She gushed.

Ren frowned and stuffed the last of his potatoes in his mouth, “What’s that mean?” he asked around the mouthful.

Poppy smiled at him lovingly as Tora smirked, “I just…” she wanted to profess her undying love for the boy already. He’d captured her heart at their first pre-placement visit months ago and this day was so hard for her and she was still beside herself that they got to take him home on the anniversary of both her babies. The dots were connected, this was fate as far as she was concerned and he was meant to be her baby, her son. She just hoped desperately that he also wanted her to be his mom. “You being here is really special for me, for _us_.” She replied, looking over at Tora meaningfully, “I’ve wanted you to join our family for a really long time and it’s just very exciting for me that you’re finally here to stay for as long as you want. Especially today.” She murmured, wishing desperately that fate would allow him to stay with her.

Ren cocked a brow as he used his thumb to push peas onto his spoon, “What’s important about today?” he inquired curiously, purposely trying his best to hid how happy her words made him. Miss Harper had said he belonged in her class and she’d wanted him too. He really liked the parallels he kept discovering between the two women.

Tora gazed apprehensively at Poppy but she only smiled at him before turning her attention back to Ren. “Do you like puzzles Ren?” He nodded, “You know how only certain pieces fit together? How you have to get them just right to make a picture?” He nodded again, “Well sometimes puzzle pieces don’t fit and sometimes they just go missing all together. Have you ever had that happen? When you work on a puzzle and then you can’t find the last piece?”

Ren nodded again, “Miss Harper had puzzles in our classroom, there was one with fishies on it but the eye of the shark was missing. Miss Harper said she didn’t know it was lost,” he paused thinking back on the big word his teacher had used. “Inconplit.” He guessed.

“It was incomplete?” Poppy supplied for him.

Ren nodded and continued, “yeah, that. And then she said she’d look for it. I waited a whole week but she didn’t find it and it made me really angry.” He explained.

“Losing pieces made me really angry too.” Poppy agreed.

Ren eyed her curiously for a moment trying to determine whether or not to make his next comment before deciding he trusted her not to get mad. “Is that why you have a puzzle piece on your foot? You couldn’t find it so you drew it?”

Poppy smiled sadly at him, “Yes. That’s exactly what I did. Now when I get angry or sad when I think about my incomplete puzzle I look down at the piece I drew for myself and it helps me feel better.” She explained. “Families are like puzzles Ren, sometimes, people are bad fits for each other, and sometimes our family members go missing.” She explained.

Ren frowned, “like my Mommy?” He asked.

Tora clenched his jaw as Poppy’s eyes filled with tears. Ren’s mother had overdosed when he’d been just shy of three. His Dad was in jail for a murder he’d committed while he’d been out of his mind on meth. From what they understood, he’d been locked up before Ren had even been born. The boy still had no idea what had happened to his parents. Or why he had been put in foster care. His aunt had had him before she’d turn him over the system, stating she already had her hands full with her own kids. Ren was theirs now though; and that was all that mattered. In hindsight, they were lucky really. It had expedited the adoption process for them. No biological parents asking for their kids back. He supposed Ren’s bio Dad could potentially be up for release one day and ask for him back, but Tora would make sure that wouldn’t happen. He wouldn’t be taking Ren back. He’d make sure of it.

Poppy nodded, “yes, like your first Mommy. Tora and I had our family members go missing too, and it left a hole in our family. We want you to be our missing piece and we want to be yours. We want to be three pieces that fit together and make a family.” She explained hopefully, “Would you like that Ren? For us to be a family?”

Ren glanced over at Tora and then back at Poppy. “Can I think about it?” he whispered.

Poppy nodded, “of course Ren.” She told him before picking her fork back up. Tora was proud of Poppy. She’d have to learn not to take Ren’s reticence so personally, but she was holding it together okay considering how desperately she wanted to the kid to want to love her.

~ ~ ~

Tora and Poppy were watching a movie quietly later that night when they heard Ren cry out in his bedroom. Poppy jumped up and raced to his room, flipping the light as she panted from her excursion, her eyes scanning the room quickly before landing on the frightened boy in his bed. She walked over to him and lowered herself onto the side of his bed facing him as Tora stood in the doorway. She brushed strands of his black hair out of his scared eyes gently. “What’s wrong Ren?” She asked softly, “what scared you honey?” she cooed.

Ren’s gaze darted between them wildly, “I…I don’t like the dark.” He told her nervously.

Tora’s gaze narrowed before his eyes widened in realization. “Oh I’m sorry kid. I turned off the light in the hall when I went to the bathroom earlier. I didn’t mean to-” he stopped himself, noticing the tint on Ren’s cheeks. He sighed and walked into the room, sitting on the other side of Ren’s bed. “You don’t have to be embarrassed. I was scared of the dark when I was a kid too.” He confessed.

Ren’s eyes rounded, “really?” He asked softly.

Tora smirked and nodded, “really, really. My brother used to tease me about it a lot when we were little. He was just a jerk though. He didn’t know scary things happen when it’s dark.”

Ren nodded, slightly, the movement breaking Poppy’s heart. She didn’t want her son to have anything in common with Tora’s childhood. She didn’t want this boy to commiserate with Tora! It wasn’t fair! What either of them had been through! “Well, it’s never going to be dark again.” She declared, standing up and moving to Ren’s closet. Standing on her tippy toes she reached for the box she hadn’t touched in over a year. “I have something that will make it better in here, so you don’t have to worry about your Da-” She stopped, forgetting herself for a moment before correcting her statement, “about Tora turning the light off in the hallway.”

Ren watched as Poppy pulled out a blue nightlight from the box and plugged it into the wall next to his bed. It cast bright stars all over the room. “What’s it say?” He asked, looking down at the words cut out of the rectangle over the light.

Poppy closed her eyes, willing the tears back. “Twinkle, twinkle little star, do you know how loved you are?” Tora replied for her, staring at his wife sadly.

Ren looked back and forth between the two adults before staring for a long time at Poppy. “You got that for me?” he asked softly. Poppy nodded still too emotional to speak. “How’d you know I was afraid of the dark?” He demanded, worried Miss Harper had betrayed his secret.

Poppy smiled at him sadly, “I didn’t know you were afraid Ren. I bought it for you three years ago. Long before I ever met you sweetie.” She told him, tears rolling down her cheek. “I saw it in a store one day and knew I was supposed to buy it.” 

Ren eyed her suspiciously, “you cry a lot.” He commented, causing Poppy and Tora to laugh.

“She does but it’s only because she cares about you so much.” Tora whispered secretively to Ren. “She doesn’t like it when anyone she cares about is sad or angry or scared. She bought me a nightlight too when I first met her. Mine’s yellow.” He teased, “It says you are my sunshine.”

Ren looked at Tora dubiously while Poppy continued to cry. “Really?” he asked, doubtful that the man was telling the truth.

Tora smirked, “really, really, I don’t use it anymore. It’s in a box in the closet in me and Poppy’s room. She made it so I wasn’t scared of the dark anymore. Poppy can make all the bad things go away. Know how?” He prompted.

Ren’s gazed narrowed; still not sure the man was telling him the truth. “How?”

Tora smirked and glanced at Poppy before turning his attention back to his son. “You have to hug her. Every day, for a long time, and if you do it enough, all the bad things go away.” He promised. “She’s kinda like magic. That’s how she knew you needed the nightlight before you met her. She knew what I needed too.”

Ren glanced between the two adults again before pushing off the covers and walking over to Poppy. He looked up at her for a long moment and then wrapped his arms around her tightly. Poppy hugged him back in return, pressing his ear against her tummy as she held him fiercely. The tears came harder as she mouthed a thank you to Tora over Ren’s head. He just smiled at her in return.

After a long moment Poppy sighed and pet Ren’s head lovingly, “you must be tired. Do you want to try to go back to bed now?” She whispered softly, secretly hoping he’d say no and just continue hugging her.

Ren nodded and released her, moving back to his bed. Tora tucked him in as Poppy shoved her box back up on the shelf in Ren’s closet. “Feel a bit better?” Tora whispered soft enough Poppy wouldn’t hear. Ren nodded, Tora smirked at him. “Told ya she was magic.” Ren smirked up at him and giggled.

“Goodnight kid, see ya in the morning,” Tora said, extending his hand to Poppy before turning off the light and ushering her out of the room.

** December 14th **

Ren threw his backpack against the wall and ran into the kitchen to hug Poppy. He caught her from behind as she stood at the counter molding rice balls. “Hey kiddo!” She greeted, turning in his embrace so she could hug him back. “How was school today?”

“Good! Miss Papineau taught us a new song and at recess Malik threw a snow ball at me so I threw one back and we both got in trouble and I was worried about what you were gonna say, if ya were gonna be mad like when I broke the lamp in the living room at Halloween when I jumped off the couch in my batman costume after you told me not to? But when Da -” he paused and looked over his shoulder at the large man holding his backpack. He wanted to call him Dad. All the other kids called the men that picked them up from after school care Dad. He frowned for a moment before turning his attention back to Poppy. “When Tora picked me up he said you wouldn’t be mad, just disappointed. So are you mad at me?” He asked, his eyes staring up at her pleadingly.

Poppy smiled and leaned over to the side, a difficult feat with her son wrapped around her waist the way he was. He was growing like a weed. She wiped her hands on it before cupping his face in her hands. “Did you get hurt?” she asked calmly.

Ren shook his head, “no, Malik hit me with it in the back; it made a thump and then bounced right off.” He reassured her.

She nodded, “and did your snowball hurt Malik?” she asked softly as Tora crossed his arms and leaned against the fridge, utterly amused by the interaction.

Ren shook his head, “no, I hit him in the shoulder, right here,” he told her, releasing her with one arm so he could tap his own shoulder.

Poppy smiled at him, “then no, I’m not mad, but I am disappointed. You shouldn’t throw things at people. It’s not nice.” She warned.

Ren nodded, “that’s what Mr. Olivastri said,” he told her, a devilish grin on his face.

Poppy chuckled, “did you throw another one when he turned his back?” she asked knowing her son all too well. “Is that why you got in trouble?”

Ren released her and turned around to take his backpack from Tora. He rooted around in it for a moment before pulling out his agenda bag. “I have a new story you’re ‘spossed to read with me for homework.” He told her, changing the subject.

Poppy frowned at him, “Ren answer my question.”

Tora chuckled, “He threw one at the teacher Bobby. To prove it didn’t hurt.” He explained as he laughed, completely enraptured by his son. Apparently the boy had learned in the six months they’d lived together that Poppy was in fact, the scary one, not him. In fact, his son had whined the whole way home about how Mr. Olivastri was a stick in the mud and needed to chill. He’d only realized he might be in trouble for his actions when Tora had pointed out that he, and more importantly, Poppy, didn’t approve of that kind of behaviour.

Poppy snapped her eyes back to her son sternly, unimpressed with Tora’s encouragement of Ren’s behaviour. “No Ipad tonight.” She told him firmly, “honestly, you know better than that.” She scolded, “throwing snowballs at the teacher, I never would have done that,” she mumbled as she went back to molding the tiger rice balls she was making for dinner.

Tora winked at Ren who was glaring at Poppy’s back. “You might not have but I certainly did. Actually, I threw _rocks_ at a teacher once.” He teased, “Way worse than snowballs, and I was older than him.” He told her seriously, kissing her on the cheek in greeting.

Poppy glanced over her shoulder and down at Ren who was glaring harshly at her, “Tora was a delinquent and you will _not_ be like he was. You’re a _good boy_ and you will follow rules and listen to your teachers. I meant what I said, no Ipad tonight.” She told him.

Tora shrugged when Ren looked at him pleadingly. “You heard your mother and I agree with her. Just cause I did worse doesn’t make what you did okay.” He told him _but it does put it in perspective,_ he thought to himself as he left the kitchen. Poppy froze; waiting for an objection to leave Ren at Tora’s terminology. She braced herself for it, determined not to take it personally.

When a long moment passed and it didn’t come though she just turned and smiled at her son. “You can write your letter to Santa tonight if you’ll be bored without your Ipad. I can help you after dinner.” She offered.

Ren nodded and looked down at the book in his hand, “what about my homework?” he asked, already seemingly over his punishment.

Poppy turned back to the rice, debating with herself for a moment before opening her mouth, “why don’t you ask your Dad to help you with it right now while I finish dinner?” she suggested.

Ren’s face scrunched up as he gazed at Poppy’s back. Mother? Dad? Not Poppy and Tora? Was that okay now? Was his name supposed to change too? He supposed Tora called him ‘son’ sometimes already. He wandered out of the kitchen and into the livingroom, studying Tora as he lounged on the couch, texting someone on his phone. _Dad_. He turned around and wandered back into the kitchen, staring at Poppy’s back. _Mom_. He sighed and moved back into the livingroom, dragging his backpack along the hardwood. “I’d pick that up. If your Mom sees ya scratching up her floor she’ll take away the Ipad for longer than a night.” Tora warned without looking up from his phone.

Ren smirked and picked up his bag before joining Tora on the couch. _His_ Mom. He liked that. “Mom says you gotta help me with my homework.” He told the large man sternly.

Tora chuckled, pleased to hear Ren call Poppy ‘mom’. It had been weird the last few months listening to him call them Poppy and Tora. He was glad he’d pushed the issue today. Ren had slipped up a few times the last few months. He’d almost called him Dad more than a few times. He’d been reluctant to do the same for Poppy though. He suspected it might be because Ren remembered his bio mother but not his father. It had taken Tora awhile to realize his son was seeking permission to call him Dad. As though he wasn’t sure he was allowed to call him ‘Dad’ despite the fact Tora had never corrected him. He’d spoken to Poppy about it a few times but she’d assured him Ren would decide to call them Mom and Dad when he was ready. “I gotta huh?”

Ren nodded, “she said it was your punishment for being bad and throwing things too.” He fibbed.

Tora smirked at his son, well aware he was full of shit. “That so huh? Well jokes on your Mom. I like helping you with homework. It’s not a punishment at all.” He reassured his son, slipping his phone into his pocket.

They’d been reading for a few minutes when Ren poked him in the neck. Tora glanced down at him, “what was that for?” He asked.

Ren frowned, “You really like flowers huh?”

Tora laughed, “Yeah I do. I collect them.”

Ren cocked his head to the side in confusion, “what do ya mean?”

Tora smiled, “well, I have peonies on my arm; they’re a special type of flower that represents my family history.” He explained, “And the ones on my neck are Poppies, for your Mom. Remember when she told you about puzzles and puzzle pieces the first night you slept in your dinosaur room?” Ren nodded slowly, “well before I met your mom I was a lost puzzle piece. I got stuffed into a puzzle I didn’t belong with. I clicked with your Uncle Quincey but I didn’t fit with any of the other ones. I found the puzzle I belonged with when I met your mom. I used to have a different tattoo on my neck. A symbol that represented your Uncle Quincey’s Dad’s puzzle. It didn’t like having it though so I covered it up with a symbol to represent your Mom. So she’d know how much I like fitting into her puzzle.” He explained.

Ren frowned, “so are you and Uncle Quincey not part of the same puzzle anymore?” he asked.

Tora shrugged, “puzzles are complicated, sometimes puzzle pieces from different puzzles fit together regardless of the picture they’re supposed to make up. I’m part of a flower. You Uncle Quincey is part of a funny looking circle. We still fit together though and that’s all that matters.” He explained.

Ren nodded, “you gonna collect more flowers?” he asked.

Tora smirked at his son, “I already have. You’re a flower.” He teased.

Ren scrunched up his face in confusion, “I’m a boy.”

Tora chuckled, “you’re named after a type of lotus flower. You’re just like your Mom, you’re both flowers.” He teased.

Ren smiled, “are you a flower?”

Tora shook his head, “no, I’m a Tiger.”

Ren grinned, “Like the one on your leg?”

Tora nodded, “just like the one on my leg.”

Ren grin widened, “where are you gonna put me?” he asked sincerely.

Tora smirked at him, “On my other leg, right next to the Tiger. Don’t tell your Mom though. It’s a secret. Just between us boys okay?” Ren nodded at him enthusiastically. 

Poppy’s heart melted in her chest ten minutes later when she left the kitchen to set the table. Ren was snuggled up beside Tora on the couch, his arm around his son as they read together. “Sound it out,” her husband encouraged as Ren stumbled over a word.

Poppy smiled, “dinner’s ready,” she informed them cheerily.

~ ~ ~

Ren rubbed the underside of his nose with his knuckles as he frowned down at his letter. “What’s wrong hun?” Poppy asked from her place beside him as Tora washed dishes in the kitchen.

Ren looked up at her indecisively. “I can’t remember if stay has an ‘h’ in the middle or not.” He informed her rather seriously.

She grinned at him, “it doesn’t.”

“Okay,” he replied, pressing his pencil to his page again, the tip of his tongue sticking out from the side of his face as he concentrated.

Poppy watched on in amusement and then astonishment as she realized what her son was writing. Emotion bowled her over like a wave as she pushed herself away from the table and up out of her chair, excusing herself for the washroom, assuring Ren she’d be right back. Tora glanced at his wife curiously as she rushed by him, a hand over her mouth as tears gathered in the corners of her eyes. He finished drying Ren’s glass sandwich container and placed it inside the larger one Poppy put her salads in for lunch before placing them both in the cupboard. He dried his hands on his dish cloth before tossing it over his shoulder, intent on investigating what had upset his wife.

“What’d ya ask for Ren?” he asked, hovering over his son as he read the letter, his own heart jumping to his throat as he choked. 

Ren shrugged, “a skateboard, to stay with you and Mom forever and a little brother.” He explained without looking up.

** December 25th **

Quincey smirked in amusement as Poppy admonished his nephew for trying out the new skateboard Santa had brought him on his Uncle’s penthouse apartment’s rug. “It’s fine Poppy, let the boy have some fun!” He placated her before tossing a wink at his nephew.

Tora frowned, “your Uncle Quincey might be cool with this but don’t ya dare do this at your Great-Granny’s tonight. If ya do, ya can kiss it goodbye.”

Ren laughed and picked up the skateboard, coming over to press a kiss to his Mom’s cheek. “I won’t Dad. Promise. Sorry Mom.” He told her, plopping down on the floor at his Aunt Cordelia’s feet as she handed him an after eight mint.

Poppy let out an exasperated sigh as Cordy winked at her, she’d hoped to limit Ren’s sugar intake this morning. She knew her Granny was going to spoil him like crazy with sweets tonight and she didn’t want him to feel sick by the time bedtime rolled around. _So much for that_. They’d been at Quincey’s for three hours and Ren had already demolished a shortbread cookie, a candy cane, three slices of French toast and a good chunk of the after eight mints on the coffee table.

~ ~ ~

Tora carried Ren into the apartment later that night as Poppy held open the door for him. He’d crashed hard shortly after eight. Noah had worn her son right out. She understood now why he wanted a little brother so bad though. Ren would make a great big brother. He’d been enthralled with Noah all night, helping fix a plate for him, taking him for short rides across the living room on his skateboard as he held him up, playing with Noah’s new blocks with him. It warmed her heart. She wanted to give him what he’d asked for. So far though, she’d only fulfilled the first thing on his list.

Poppy smiled as Tora tugged off Ren’s shoes gently before tucking him into bed. He’d already changed into his pjs at Granny’s earlier that night. Her grin widened as Tora kissed him gently on the head before flicking on his nightlight. Tora collected his son’s shoes and then joined her at the door, shooing her back into the hall as he closed the door behind him.

She smirked at his back as he disappeared down the hall to put away Ren’s shoes. When he returned, he kissed her hard, backing her up into their own bedroom before closing the door behind him firmly. “Merry Christmas,” he murmured against her lips as his hands moved to the button on her pants, “think maybe I can get a little sugar now that Ren’s down for the count?” he asked, his mouth on her neck.

Poppy giggled and pushed him away from her. “Not yet. We need to talk, and you’re not putting it off or avoiding this conversation anymore.” She warned.

Tora sighed and released her in favour of popping the button on his own jeans. “Poppy, it’s Christmas. Do we really need to do this now?” he begged.

She nodded, stripping out of her clothes before pulling on one of his old t-shirts. “Yes. He wants a brother.”

Tora sighed, “and I’d like to do my wife but it looks like neither of us are gonna get our Christmas wish this year.” He muttered, tugging back the comforter.

She sighed, crawling onto her side of the bed, “ _talk_ , then sex.” She compromised.

He smirked and cocked a brow at her, “okay, he’s not getting a brother. Can ya lose the shirt now?” he teased.

Poppy frowned at him, “it’s been almost two years since we lost the last one. We could maybe try again… for _him_?” She reasoned.

Tora sighed, laid back in bed and pulled his pillow over his face. “Ya wanna make me a single Dad? Traumatize him? Put him through the shit we went through? See ya behave like a god damn zombie if it goes south again? Nah, not down Bobby. That sounds like a whole buncha’ bullshit we don’t need to put ourselves through to me.” He replied honestly.

She scowled at him, annoyed by his negativity, no matter how much she knew his description could very well be a possibility. She yanked the pillow away from his face. “So we submit another application for adoption?” She suggested.

Tora stared up at the ceiling in contemplation. “If that’s what ya want. Maybe we should wait for this one to be finalized first before ya start thinking about another one?” he suggested weakly.

Poppy waved her hand dismissively, “Judy said it’ll be done by the end of January.” She informed him, referring to their adoption agent.

Tora smiled to himself, “Good.”

Poppy bit her lip, “I brought up Ren’s request with her.” She ventured cautiously.

Tora tucked the pillow under his head and rolled onto his side, reaching for her. “Com’ ere beautiful,” he muttered, pulling her down from her seated position and up against his chest. “What did she say?” He asked curiously.

She sighed and reached down to tangle her fingers with his where they pressed lightly against her abdominal scars. “She suggested we foster another one. They’d be placed with us faster and Ren would have a sibling.” She relayed the information.

Tora kissed her shoulder, silent for a long moment, “you’ll want to keep them though.” He warned. “So will Ren.”

Poppy nodded sadly, “I know.”

Tora frowned, “that’d be a legal headache and heartbreak for all of us if this hypothetical kid’s bio parents want them back. We got lucky with Ren Bobby.” He muttered, thinking their luck was just horrific tragedy for his son.

“Another adoption then?” Poppy offered hopefully.

Tora sighed, “If that’s what you want I’m in, but we’re gonna need a bigger apartment, and you know what we’re in for.” He warned.

Poppy nodded, “I want to do this for him. Don’t you want him to have a Quincey?”

Tora chuckled in her ear, “sweetheart, I wouldn’t wish the Quincess on anyone else, do ya have any idea what growing up with that man was like?” He teased.

Poppy frowned, “you don’t mean that.”

Tora smiled, “No I don’t.” He sighed, “Yes I want Ren to have a sibling. We better check and make sure he’d be cool with a little sister too though. If we hold out for another boy it might take twice as long to make his wish come true.” He cautioned.

Poppy nodded, pulling his t-shirt over her head, “Glad we’re in agreement.” She teased, turning out the light as he reached for her.

** January 17th **

Poppy smiled as she set up the picture frame on the pillow in Ren’s room along with the note. She couldn’t wait for him to come home. She’d booked the back half off the day off so she could run around preparing for tonight. She’d bought a cake to celebrate and had bought all the ingredients to make personal pizzas for him. She was just hanging the banner when her phone rang, it was Tora.

“Hey handsome-”

“Mom?” Ren’s voice came over the phone questioningly.

Poppy smiled, “Hey little man, I was expecting your Dad.” She greeted him warmly.

“He’s right here next to me. I wanna know, is it okay if Malik comes over for a sleepover tonight, since it’s Friday? Dad said I have to ask you. Malik’s Mom is here and said it’s okay with her. Dad says he wants to know what you think before he says yes.” He gushed.

Poppy sighed, “Can you put your Dad on the phone please? Just for a minute?”

There was a short silence before Tora’s baritone came through the speaker, “I know what you had planned for tonight but I think it’d be fun for him to have his friend with him for it.” He reasoned.

Poppy sighed, “what if they’re not friends in ten years and he’s in all the photos.”

Tora cocked a brow at that; it was unlike Poppy to want to exclude anyone for any reason, least of all a kid. “What if they _are_ and it makes everything better for him? They’re best friends Bobby.”

She sighed dejectedly, feeling like the bad guy, “I’m just being selfish and want this happy moment to ourselves.” She explained.

“Ya want me to tell them no then?” He questioned, glancing down at the boys who were looking up at him pleadingly.

She was silent a long moment, “No, it’s fine. Malik can come. You’re right. I’m being ridiculous; besides, Ren has no idea about tonight. It’ll just make it more fun for the boys.” She reasoned.

“You wanna tell him or should I?” He asked, winking at his son reassuringly.

“I want to.” She told him firmly, “Let me be the good guy for once,” she teased.

Tora chuckled as he handed his son the phone. “Mom?” Ren’s voice reached Poppy’s ear. The sound of the one syllable word causing her to grin. As of today she was _officially_ his Mom.

She smiled into the phone, “Malik can sleepover on one condition,” she teased.

“What’s the condition?” Ren asked curiously.

She grinned, “that you have lots of fun.”

Ren giggled into the phone and handed it back to Tora. “He’s excited, Neveah is gonna take Malik home and grab an overnight bag for him and then bring him by our place in an hour or so. I told her what’s going on tonight. She wants to give us a little time to tell him first before bringing Malik over.” He explained.

“Tell her I appreciate it, and I’ll bring Malik home tomorrow afternoon to save her another trip.” Poppy offered.

“Okay, love ya.” He told her.

“Love you more,” she murmured, gazing down at the picture in the frame.

Tora smirked, “love ya most. See ya in a bit.”

~ ~ ~

Poppy smiled to herself, eavesdropping on the boys as they whispered back and forth. “So like forever, forever? Like my Mom and Dad?” Malik whispered.

Ren nodded, “yeah. I got their last name now. Just like you with your Mom and Dad. I get to stay forever, forever. No more new parents.” He explained.

Malik grinned at his best friend, “and that paper your Mom showed you said so?”

Ren smirked, “My Mom said I’m her missing piece. See this,” he said grabbing the picture frame off his nightstand so he could hand it to Malik. “My Mom wrote me a note before your Mom dropped you off. She said the gov’ment said our puzzle pieces fit together just right. That we belong together. That it’s forever.” He explained as Malik stared at the picture of Ren with his parents.

Malik liked the picture. It made him happy. Ren’s _smile_ made him happy. “We made a wish & you came true.” He read the raised words decorating the picture frame.

Ren nodded, “Mom said she and Dad wished really hard for me to be their son and then it came true.” He explained, “She said she never wants me to forget how much she wanted me. That they picked me.” He explained excitedly.

Malik nodded and handed him back the picture, “you tell her how much you wanted her to be your Mom?” He asked.

Poppy sucked in a shaky breath, a hand fluttering over her heart as she waited for Ren’s response. “Nah, she knew. Dad said Mom’s magic. I don’t need to tell her. She knew I needed that,” he said pointing at the nightlight, “way before she met me. She knew I was her missing puzzle piece before I knew she and Dad were mine too.”

Malik frowned, “your missing pieces?” he asked, utterly confused.

Ren nodded, “you know how last year I was mad about the shark puzzle and Miss Harper tried real hard to find the missing piece with the eye on it but she couldn’t?” He explained.

Malik nodded, “yeah.”

“Families are like that. Sometimes people go missing for a little while. Sometimes they never get found but if they’re lucky they find the puzzle they belong to. Dad told me he was a missing piece until he met my Mom. He said I’m a lost puzzle piece too and so was Mom, but they’re my missing pieces. That when we’re all together we make a whole family and they’ve been waiting a long time for me to finish their puzzle.” He explained.

Malik nodded, “Do our puzzle pieces fit together?” he asked. Unaware the boy was causing Poppy’s heart to jump to her throat.

Ren nodded, “course, we fit even before I fit with Mom and Dad. I just like it here. That’s why I don’t spend so much time at your house anymore.”

Malik frowned, “but we don’t have the same last name.” He pointed out.

Ren shrugged, “doesn’t matter. We still fit together.”

Malik nodded, satisfied with his answer. “So, the puzzle’s all done then?” he asked hopefully.

Ren shrugged again, “I don’t know. I still want a brother, like you have.”

Malik scrunched up his face in annoyance, “Carter is a pain. You don’t want one. I have to share everything with him.” He advised.

Ren smiled, “I got lots to share now. Besides, there’s baby shoes in the closet. They got yellow dinosaurs on them. They’re too little for me. So they gotta be for my little brother.”

Poppy’s breathing stilled. He’d gone into the box? When? “But you don’t have one yet…” Malik pointed out.

Ren giggled, “I told ya, my mom is magic. She got the nightlight for me before she met me. She bought the shoes for my brother. He’s just still lost somewhere. My parents will find him for us though, I know it.”

Tora frowned and turned his wife away from their son’s door, tucking her against his side as he moved down the hallway, “it’s not a good idea to eavesdrop. I would have thought you’d learned your lesson after overhearing a few of my phone calls with Vince ya wish ya hadn’t.” He chided, leading her into their bedroom, closing the door behind them.

Poppy turned and smiled at him, “Ren’s happy.”

Tora cocked a brow at her, “of course he is. Did ya miss how excited he was at dinner when we made the pizzas? Or how hard he cried when we told him this was permanent?”

She nodded, “it was nice to hear him call us his missing pieces though.”

Tora froze and stared hard at her, “he said that?” She nodded. Tora gathered her in his arms and kissed her, hard, passionately, cupping the back of her head as her hands came up to bunch the material of his t-shirt at his shoulders. He pulled away a moment later. “It’s cause you’re a good Mom.”

She smiled at him sadly, “I’m trying, you’re a good Dad. You’re amazing with him. You know exactly what he needs even when I’m at a loss.” She explained.

Tora shrugged, “I just understand him, that’s all.”

Poppy nodded, “he went in my keepsake box. He found the baby shoes. He thinks they’re for his little brother.” She relayed.

Tora cocked a brow at her and tugged his shirt off over his head, “oh yeah? And where would he get an idea like that from?” he asked.

Poppy crossed her arms and plopped herself down on the bed, “from you of course. Somebody told him I was _magic_. He thinks I bought the shoes for his little brother in advance the same way I bought him the nightlight.” She explained her voice devoid of amusement.

Tora chuckled, “guess we better get moving on that new adoption application. I’ll let Quincey know protecting him just got a little more expensive.” He teased.

Poppy smirked, “he’s going to be excited.”

Tora smirked back at her, a dimple on display, “Ren or Quince?”

She laughed, “honestly? Both.”

** July 27th – 25 Years later **

Poppy pressed her sunhat to her head as she followed Tora up the trail stretching in front of them. “Easier than the last time ya did it?” He asked, glancing back at her.

She laughed, “Infinitely.”

Tora smiled at her, “sure ya don’t want me to carry ya?” he teased.

She rolled her eyes, “I didn’t need you to the last time and I certainly don’t this time.” She reassured him, finally catching up to him. She turned and gazed out over the vista. “It’s really a shame the boys couldn’t join us. They would have loved this. Especially Corey.” She murmured to him.

Tora nodded and turned back to the trail, sure if they stood there for too much longer his knee would start protesting. This climb might be easier on her compared to the last time they’d done it but it was certainly physically harder on him. Years of pushing himself too hard in the gym and too many wrestling matches with his boys had taken its toll. “Come on Bobby, only a little left. We’re almost there.” He promised.

She eyed him, taking in the crows feet, the forehead wrinkles and the salt colour that now peppered his black hair. He was still handsome. Even for an old fart. “Yeah, yeah, I’m coming.” She teased.

~ ~ ~

“So how was climbing the Acropolis again at fifty five Mom?” Ren asked over facetime as Poppy lounged on the balcony off her ship’s cabin. They’d boarded that afternoon after their hike. They were taking her dream trip again. This time in reverse, Athens to Rome, with almost all the same stops.

“A hell of a lot easier than climbing it at sixty,” Tora chimed in from beside her, leaning over so he could see his sons on his wife’s Ipad, both of whom chuckled at his joke.

“We’re glad you’re having a good time,” Corey told them, beaming as he stared at his parents and his older brother through his screen. “How’s your knee holding up Dad?”

Tora yawned, “I’m still kickin’ it’s a little sore but I’m fine in comparison to how your Mom was feeling after that climb the last time. I don’t think she’ll let me whine anymore about my knee.” He teased.

“Mom’s always been a stubborn hardass, even when she’s crying.” Ren joked.

Poppy laughed, “Well I had to be raising you too.” She teased.

Ren laughed, “I’d like to officially apologize for 14 through 21 Mom. I’m a little worried about what I’m in for with Leo.”

“Where is our ferocious little lion? Put him on, I wanna see him,” Tora interrupted. He grinned widely when his two year old grandson’s face filled the screen. “Hey kiddo! How’s my hungry little man doing?” He laughed as the boy waved at him by opening and closing his fist.

“He’s good, how ‘bout you Core?” Ren asked, “How’s grad school?”

Corey shrugged and smiled, “Good. I’m TA’ing a pretty cool class right now on the history of Narin. My research for my thesis has me digging up all kinds of cool stuff on Dad and Uncle Quincey’s ancestors.” He explained, “I’m looking forward to sharing it with you guys when you get home.” He gushed, turning his attention solely on his parents.

Poppy smiled, “do you mean digging physically or metaphorically? And Ren, look behind you, Leo is going to knock over your binder.” She asked her budding archeologist before warning her aerospace engineer. She couldn’t be more proud of her sons. She paused for a moment her eyes widening in recognition. “Ren! Is Leo wearing Corey’s baby shoes?” She asked in disbelief.

Corey chuckled as Ren lunged for his son, tugging him away from his case files. “Yeah mom, not like I can wear them anymore. I gave them to Ren a couple months ago. Figured they’d fit him.” He explained.

Tora smirked in amusement as Poppy’s eyes welled with tears. The boys were right, she did cry a lot. He supposed he couldn’t blame her though. Corey had just been shy of two when he’d been placed with them. The yellow dinosaur shoes she’d bought to announce their second pregnancy had fit Corey perfectly. He’d loved them so much he’d practically lived in them till he outgrew them. It’d been eerie watching him run around in them. It had weirded Tora out a little bit to think about how important the items Poppy had bought during pregnancy had become to his children. They’d been worried about the nine year age gap between Corey and Ren when Corey had been placed with them, but Ren had been great about it. He’d been happy to include and care for his little brother no matter the age difference, ecstatic he’d been gifted a sibling at all. Well, most of the time anyways.

They could all hear Ren calling for his wife, and then Leo was gone and Ren’s face was back on the screen. “Okay I gotta go. Love you, enjoy the rest of your trip guys. We miss ya.” Ren told them sincerely, “Oh and Corey, Malik is coming for dinner tomorrow to watch the game if ya wanna join us. I’m pretty sure he’s bringing Carter. I’m gonna invite Noah too.”

Corey nodded, “yeah, I’ll be there. Wouldn’t miss the chance to see my nephew.” He replied before Ren hung up. “Before I let you guys go I just wanna ask, are you really alright mom?”

Poppy smiled at her most sensitive son. “I’m alright, _everything_ is alright. This was my idea. It’s good for me. I’m finally getting to do this the way I wanted to the first time.” She reassured him. She was glad she’d finally opened up to her boys about what she and Tora had been through on their journey to parenthood. When Ren had told her his wife Marissa was pregnant almost three years ago, it had caused she and Tora endless anxiety. However, Marissa had been lucky enough to be part of the 5%. Leo had been born with no complications whatever so ever and Poppy couldn’t have been happier for them. She had finally broken down and shared her story with her boys shortly after Leo’s birth. 

Corey grinned at her, “okay, look after her Dad!” He called out.

Tora leaned over so he was on camera again, “always.” He barked, “Now go do some damn work. We both know you’re just procrastinating by talking to us.”

Corey laughed, “yeah, yeah, ya grumpy old tiger. I’m going. Bye guys, love you.”

“Love you!” They both called as he hung up.

Poppy set the Ipad down next to her on the table and picked up her wine glass, taking a sip as she glanced over at her husband. He was staring out at the city below them, a small smile on his face. “What are you thinking about?” she asked softly.

Tora shrugged one power shoulder and glanced over at her before looking down at his right leg and the cornucopia of flowers that covered it, Poppies for his wife, Lotuses for Ren and Coreopsis, the yellow flower, for Corey. “Just thinking about how life comes full circle. Last time we were here I almost lost my family. The puzzle piece that made me whole. Just got me thinking ya know?” he murmured.

Poppy smiled sadly and glanced down at the puzzle piece on her own foot. “I still think about them sometimes you know.”

Tora reached over and grabbed her hand, squeezing it comfortingly. “I know.”

“This trip is bringing back a lot of memories.” She commented.

He sighed, “I’m still not sure this was a good idea. You sure you’re alright?”

Poppy waved her free hand at him, “don’t be silly. Everything is fine. This is good. It’s nice to be able to acknowledge this day where it all started; even if what we’re doing is a little morbid. It doesn’t make me sad anymore.” Poppy was quiet for a long moment, “I’m looking forward to finally seeing Pompeii and Sorrento,” she commented, changing the subject. Tora nodded and looked back out at the mountain in the distance they’d just climbed for the second time together.

~ ~ ~

That night Tora cuddled his wife in bed, his fingertips passing gently over her abdominal scars. She had grown a little plumper over the years and her skin wasn’t as firm as it used to be but she was still as beautiful to him as the day he’d first laid eyes on her. “I love you Poppylan. I’m so glad I get to walk through life with ya.” He whispered softly in her ear.

Poppy smiled, “I love you more.” She told him, her mind on the four children he’d given her and the wonderful life they’d had together so far. Things may not have gone according to plan as often as she would have liked and her life may have been messy but it had been full of love and she wouldn’t change that for the world. Reaching down with one hand, she laced her fingers with his as she reached up with the other and wrapped it around her the wedding ring at her neck. She wasn’t sure what life had left in store for them, but she knew no matter what, they’d get through it. _Together_. After all, they were in this forever, be it for better or for worse.

“I love ya most,” he replied, finishing the silly saying they’d started repeating to each other a lifetime ago.

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you know, this story is close to my heart due to my own experience with PAIL (pregnancy & infant loss). I am extremely happy to have met my goal of finishing this story today as October 15th is the International Wave of Light for PAIL. At 7pm, people light candles in memory of the babies we have lost through miscarriage, stillbirth, medical termination and infant death. 
> 
> Families participate in every time zone across the world at 7pm local time, creating a 24hour Wave Of Light around the globe. I will be lighting a few candles tonight for my missing pieces. I hope if you have experienced loss you'll join me in remembering yours as well. 
> 
> All my love,  
> Curvy


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